Sorry for taking so long to write. I did write a blog last weekend but I did not post it. If you can believe it I thought it was too personal, too raw. I wrote it, reread it and realized I did not want to see it in print. So as helpful as it was to spew it out of my system I did not want certain people (no I am not talking about the people who love me) as this is a public blog to read it. It was just too much. I have decided to just keep a private journal for those moments from now on because this has happened before, not often because I usually reveal everything and I am a pretty open person, so it may not end up here but it will be written down somewhere. I hope you understand.
It's been a good month so far. Jason is still improving, which calms my nerves when things are bad for me. The other day he emailed me at work and we bantered back and forth about what to do this long weekend. When I said "well let's see if Jacob has planned anything for us too" he replied to my email quickly and referred to Jacob by his nickname (the nickname only Jas called him, a personal one). Jason has not referred to Jacob by his nickname since his heart attack. It was as though that had been wiped out memory wise. I had even forgot it about it myself and I did not have a heart attack. When I read that email and read that line I instantly remembered that it had not been used in almost 2 years and my eyes watered. So I am sitting at work, staring at my computer screen, and tears are slowly running down my face. Jason used that nickname with such affection for Jacob in the past and here it was again.
I replied, once I got a grip, and told him that he just made my cry and how he hadn't used that term for Jacob in so long. He replied " I know, and I did not realize it until I typed it". He typed it first and then read it and realized he hadn't used it in a long time. The human brain, or at least Jason's, continues to freak me out.

Mothers

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers. To my Mom who survived me as a child in her house. She is a special individual. She managed to get me through those years without hurting myself or someone else. She raised me to believe that I can be what I want, do what I want, I just need to want to be that or do that. I was raised to be honest (not as brutually as I am sometimes, but honest) and do the right thing. Mom also let me know that she would always be there for me. I am passing her lessons on to Jacob, a legacy to be proud of.

To my mother-in-law, I have the best mother-in-law on earth. Audrey is an amazing loving caring individual who loves her family to the core of her being. She has managed to love a loud, brash, brutually honest daughter-in-law easily. There is nothing that I cannot say in front of her to make her love me less. I lucked out when I met Jason, I also lucked out when I met Audrey. Audrey and I have shared the good times and bad and there is no other mom-in-law that I would want me to go through those times.

To all of my friends that are Moms, they are an amazing bunch. Some I have known my whole life and we are still close - 36 years of friendship is a good friendship. Some of them are 10-15 year old friends. Some friends are less than a year. Friends to the end. Unconditional love and understanding is a cherished commodity. A call, a card, a gift in the mail, a hug goes a long way from an old friend. If I get down knowing they are there lifts me up. They are there because they want to be - that can keep a girl going. They know when to reach out and they know what to say, even when sometimes it is nothing. Thank you.

Some are military wives and are cut from a good cloth. The kind that allows them to move their families around the country and the world without a complaint. They have cried in the shower or the bedroom to hide their fear and unhappiness of the downside of the military lifestyle so that their children remain optimistic and hopeful and no pressure is put on their hubbies. They are military members themselves with the double whammy of being called to serve and have to kiss their children goodbye and tell them they will see them in 6 months - tearing out their own hearts to help Moms across the ocean. They arrange the childcare, the schooling, their own employment, the house, the cleaning, unpacking, grocery shopping, bill paying, cable, phone, tv, electrical/water hookups,lock changing, car maintenance, volunteer work and after school activities every 2-3 years they move. Sometimes this is done alone because their spouse is on a deployment ( a week, a month, 6 months, a year). These Moms have all the same issues a civilain Mom can have, just multiplied by being in a new community, having no family or friends, no connections, no job, they need the GPS or a map to drive around (if they have a car available to them), sometimes they are in a community with their first language is not the language of their neighbourhood. Trying to buy groceries becomes a hardship when you cannot ask for what you need. Medical issues that involve yoursel or your child are hurdles you must navigate through - imagine doing that every 2-3 years in a new province. These Moms arrange for tutoring for their child (which is covered by DEM in the first year of your move) so when they enter their 6th new school in 12 years they keep in good standing with their french immersion or math because their new class is ahead of his old one.
I have obviously gone on a rant but I will leave it. Hear me roar.
To all those Moms who love unconditionally, to those Moms who sacrifice with joy - have a wonderful day, month, year. You have earned it.

I started thinking about the changes that are recent and I noticed that I has not noticed that Jaosn stopped doing the freaky eye thing. Now either you have noticed it in the past or you never saw it but for a long time Jason's eyes would look different. Especially when he got tired. But somewhere along the way his eyes stopped doing it. The healing process is a weird thing. It's slow and fast at the same time. I watched Jason so close for so long - how could I miss this?
My brother and his wife came to visit and Jaosn insisted on hugging my brother good bye. Now usually I have to wink, touch, remind but not that time. He is remembering all sorts of stuff I cannot remember and that was how it usually was. Before the heart attack.
Before and after. I am glad there is an after but I thought it was always going to be before and after. As time goes by I am feeling that slip, slowly but surely. Heaven. My version anyway. Jason is back to work for 3 days a week and he will be reassessed in June, maybe 5 days a week then.
There are still some things that bug me but there are many things that make me smile, laugh and love him even more. And let's face it he always did things that bugged me ( I am trying to be nice). Thank god for modern medicine and stubborness.
Congratulations are in order for the whole Osmond clan - Jared has joined the family - another boy right Connor?!!! 7 lbs 2 oz of pure joy. Aren't babies wonderful?
I am still trying to get us flights home for this summer - wish me luck!! It has been harder than I thought!

I spend time now enjoying the small stuff. It's not just a cliche or a whole line of books. Where is everyone going? What does it mean to get ahead? Some people spend so much time trying to get where they going that they are not even sure where they are going or what they are working towards. I do not want to live my life like that. I won't live my life like that. Appreciating what I have and where I am has been a gift. I don't want to blow it off and ignore it. I worry about our future but not like I used to in the past. I constantly worried about everything and where did it get me? It led to a situation where no matter how much I worried, it did not change a thing. What encouraged change was my actions, my positive actions. Worrying did nothing for me so I stopped doing it (not completely but you know what I mean). Once I gave up, once I let life happen, I felt helpless in a way but also relieved. I did not feel responsible for what happened but I did feel responsible for what could happen and I kicked it into high gear. The results are obvious.
This past week was another milestone. Jason got the go ahead starting this week to work 3 full days (from 3 half days) so progress has happened again. He also got more bloodwork done, got new glasses (they look like his old ones - what can a wife do?) and got tasked with a job at work. He is a happy working man.
This weekend we had to social invites - the first being a going away party for his former boss and friend. It was great to see her and her husband and family. What a great circle of support. They have been so good to us and I only hope we can return the favour. Last night we were invited over to friends for wing night. Tom is an amazing wing maker - his salt and pepper wings are the best I have ever tasted. Going to their house is like going to family, they are a part of our family. It is so good having friends for such a long time - nothing beats it. The Penguins beat out the Senators - another bonus to the night and the karoke was heated up and what a great time.
Now I am looking for quotes for a deck out back. Is it worth our while to do it ourselves or have someone else do it? That is the question. I need to find out. Should be an interesting adventure. Maybe Jason and I can do it together? I think not. The deck might get finished but so may we. Not a good thing.
Driving out Friday night to the going away party Jason was concerned about his ability to socialize and I told him he would be fine. He told me easy for me to say, I would talk to just about anyone (the devil himself I would say). I then brought up the fact that at one time he could not even talk to me. He grinned and chuckled a bit and so I had to ask "what?" He said maybe he shouldn't have started doing that! I knew that was what he was thinking. ha I think I have him drove sometimes but that goes both ways. Things are so easy now for the most part and I can feel our rythm coming back. Mentally this is the best I have felt in a long time. I still worry but not to my own detriment, I cannot do that to myself any more. Living without that is better.

Death and taxes are the only 2 things most of us will have or have in common. Jason missed out on the experience of taxes last year. With the help of Ken, my next door neighbour, and my sister-in-law in Newfoundland, Brenda, (yes I called her long distance many times) I got our taxes done. With a mistake. Which took me ntil June last year to correct with CRA. I did not want to go through that again. Now Jason said this year "I will do the taxes" and I was happy. I do not like the process at all. So yesterday we sat down together and did our own taxes on paper. Of course I was done before him because I wasn't claiming him, Jacob or a pile of other stuff. Short and sweet, like me (shut up, you know who you are). That took a fairly long time but worth the effort because now it should be easy to enter all of this stuff online. Jason had it all done and my return was different from what I had on paper (just a bit). Why? Why was it different? I enlisted Brenda again, after calling the CRA help line and not being able to reach anybody!, and Brenda informed us that one product was better than another for filing and we we weren't using the better one. But we had already paid for the less user friendly option so my blood pressure had to boil in order to figure out why the 2 numbers did not match on both of my returns. Arghhhh.
Now with Jason standing over me offering to help, which should be seen as a gesture of good will and kindness put forth by my smart husband, I see it as an irritating affront on my ability to figure this out. He leaves the room (I said he was smart) before I explode and has the supper that I cooked while he was doing the taxes. I on the other hand do not opt for eating but instead opt for having it cold later and enjoy the high blood pressure and rage stroke I am having over this issue.
After Jason comes back in the room after a full tummy and patience renewed, we both figure it out together and Jason files our taxes. Praise Jesus.
Yesterday, on a high note, my Mom shaved her head for "Shave For The Brave" - I am so proud of my Mama!! She raised almost $300 in 4 days!!
Mom's visit was a whirlwind of shopping over the Easter holidays. There was no store left unturned, including a trip to the US with Theresa and Meg - what a time! We found lots of good deals. Between the shopping and the Skip-Bo it was a good visit. I miss her.
Jacob is now gathering sponsors for Jump Rope For Heart again this year and I told him we would match what he raises. He's doing well so far with the donations from family and friends. An important charity for this family and many other families across Canada.

Turning a new page

Jason has 2 weeks of work under his belt. He actually got to do some work today. Still no security clearance yet but it will come. Jacob turned 12 last week and Jason turned 39. I am the shortest oldest member of this family - what an honour. Damn those Rowe genes. Oh well, I am still the smartest (shut up, it is my blog after all).
Mom is due to arrive any minute and the stores are throwing open their doors in anticipation of her visit. The weather is hot (twenty and up degrees and more to come!) so it should help in our shopping expeditions.
Had a visit with Jacob's teachers (report card week last week). Of course he did well but the only time I get to see them is through a meeting usually. Even when I volunteer at the school I usually do not to get to see them. He is doing great, adjusted fully and the only "bad" thing they had to say was that he socializes too much. Damn those Rowe genes.
Jason healthwise is doing good. His patience level is still a bit low, but it wasn't high before the heart attack. He has become more of himself but he is still not 100% but improving still, each week there is a difference. Amazing what the body can survive and do. He's still too quiet for me but I like things loud. Damn those Rowe genes.
Before I go I just want to let all the Rowe's know that I like being loud, sociable and outgoing. I could do without the shortness but we can't have everything we want, can we? The Rowe genes have partly made me what I am today and I am proud of that.

Yesterday was a quiet event.

Jacob turned 12 yesterday!!! I cannot believe how quickly a boy can turn into a young man. Scary really. He thanks everyone for their cards, gifts and phone calls. I miss the little boy but this young man is a joy and good company. What a day.

Yesterday Jason went back to work. 668 days since he has officially wore the uniform and gone to work. Amazing. Amazing this day has come and gone. From the moment I walked into Stanton Territorial Hospital on June 23rd, 2008 I knew this day would come. I made a choice on my drive to the hospital that day. I chose to believe that Jason would be OK, no matter what. No matter what. Now when I entered the ER and was told "I could not see him yet because they hadn't brough him back yet" I almost panicked. I almost passed out. But I knew that would not do anyone any good. Not Jason, not jacob, not all of the military family in ER, not our family and friends and not me. I had to be the ONE. The one that stands tall, listens, thinks and absorbs all of the medical and military speak that was going to try and absorb me. But I had to control that. Slowly. How I did this I will never understand. I wanted to fall to the floor and be that hot mess. The love of my life was fighting for his life, his military colleagues and friends, the ER personnel had also fought for him. I had to do the same. I owed him that.
Jason has taught me so many things over the years and he deserved my undivided attention. It would get us back to yesterday. To happiness. Jason has always treated me like a queen (the fact that I am one should not make me presume my spouse would automatically treat me like one). Now that did not mean we did not argue. The opposite is true. We argued hard, against each other, for each other. It was that verbal sparring that amde us close. It was all out there, and we loved each other despite it. Some people watching us argue (we love to do it openly, sorry folks) thought we were on our way to divorce court. That is never in our agenda. I had to drag Jason through all of that medical hell - who else would argue with me and love me at the same time? Who would treat me like a queen? Who would be Jacob's father figure? No. He had to pull through. He had to make it. No choice in that.
To all of JTFN, to Stanton and the Royal Alex hospitals, to all of our family and friends, to all of the military community and our civilian communities in which we have lived - thank you for supporting us, thank you for thinking of Jason and including him in your lives, thank you for being a wall of support in a house that could have crumbled. There is strength in numbers. I have no doubt.
Something was lost but something was gained in our experience so far. I am not the same person. I am a better person. My memory is not as good these days (there is always a lot going on in my head) so that was a loss, but I love harder. My inner strength is bolder (who thought that was possible?), I am louder (who thought that was possible?) and I am more opinionated (do I need to ask that question again?).
Military families need support from their communities, from each other. Stand tall. reach out to each other. Do not unplug someone in a coma until you are sure. Be sure. Never believe what the first doctor tells you. Listen to your gut. When your significant other squeezes your hand, it may actually be a squeeze and not a reflex. Help your neighbour. Actions mean more than words. Love your family and friends, do not take them for granted. Give back and you will benefit in ways you cannot even imagine.