So it turns out after all the thinking, therapy, and self observation, I am back to worrying too much again. Now I never turned it completely off, I am human, but I was wondering why my shoulders and neck are hurting. Again. It usually means I am worrying too much. So to get back on track I have to purposely remind myself not to do it and if I start doing it I have to catch myself and stop. Sounds easy for some as they are not worriers. More difficult for me.

If I listed all of the things that I have worried about in the past 3 weeks, or even the past week, you would be bored scrolling down through it. So, like an alcoholic's first step, I figure outing myself publicly is my first step towards being a non-worrier. At the very least, when you see me next time in deep thought, or frowning, then you can nudge me and remind me to stop it. Or send me a text. I say that now but you know you don't have to send me a text. Talking is still a socially acceptable way to interact, I think (this is another rant in the making).

With all of the time that will be freed up by not worrying I think I may actually sit down and write more. For some reason I moved away from it and it actually helps me worry less. It makes me happy in fact. Now I wonder why it does that? Hmmmmmmm.....

My schooling has led me to this....

The last first day of high school is happening tomorrow. Everyone asks "where did the time go?" for a reason. We simply do not get enough time. Not with our loved ones, our family, our friends. No one has ever complained about having too much time with their loved ones, not in my case anyway. I wish I could have another chat with my grandparents (or have my first one with a Pop that I never got the pleasure to meet). I would give a lot to hear my Uncle Abe's laugh or my Nan's giggle. Or see Nan Rowe smile. To have tea with my Pop. To be able to see Roland's face one more time as he sees Jacob. To have Dad ask "how is my favorite daughter?" and then laugh at his own dry jokes. I would give just about anything. My list of friends is getting longer too.

To hear my son's little boy voice ( I am guilty of watching digital footage of him over and over as a little baby and boy). And now Grade 12 is upon us. What the hell? I looked away too quickly. I took my eye off the ball. How did this happen?

I am so proud of him, The man he is becoming makes me burst. My heart walks around the house casually talking about cell phones, star constellations and coffee like he's not important, not the centre of the universe. But he would say he'd like to be with a grin. Not enough time. Before I know it graduation and then the big life event will occur and he'll walk out that door with a smile and full of excitement. His life will begin. I hope this year drags by slowly like cold molasses running up a hill. Maybe it will give me enough time to get used to it.

Adjusting to life off the rock gets harder and harder every year we come from vacation. The air was cleaner, more people were kinder, the fish was amazing, people are genuine, spending time laughing, crying, hugging, chatting with family and friends is a slice of joy and peace. Seeing Jacob laugh more, smile more, enjoy the beaches, the hugs, the home cooked meals in wonderful company is also a joy. Makes the heart swell like the ocean.

I was missing Dad and Roland yet I saw them everywhere. In memories jogged by those around around me, by family members, by everyday items, by hearing myself repeat certain phrases or jokes. That helped.

Thank goodness for vacations, thank goodness we were born in Newfoundland.