How is one supposed to deal with the death of their child? We are expected to deal with life's occurences as they come at us, having our friend and family to support us through any mishap - tragic or not. But you can show me all the books, show me all the therapists but how does one accept the death of their baby? I consider myself a strong person. I thought I could handle anything. But maybe not. Maybe not. But life goes on regardless. The cruel day to day BS still exists despite losing one of the most important people in your life. People argue, there are idiots on the road and none of them value human life like you do. And your child is not there by your side. No more late night kisses as they sleep cosily int heir bed. No more silly laughs over a family running joke. No more I love you's whispered back and forth. Missing the arguements, the frantic hormones, the sauciness of a teen's vernacular.
My heart has felt like it has been bleeding since I got the news yesterday. It bleeds for her Mom and Dad, her brothers, the families and friends. Knowing that such a kind sweet loving person whom I have known now has to try and choke in the news that her daughter is gone makes me feel an ache, a pain for her and for everyone who has had the newd delivered. I know there are no answers to the why. We cannot hang onto life with fervor, it is a slippery slope that should be treated with grace and kindness, not treated with a middle finger in rush hour traffic. But even when you treat it with love and a gentle touch bad things still happen. They happen every day to someone. When it hits someone you know it affects you deeply, knowingly. All we can do is support the families, the parents, the brothers. Stand for them, hold them up when they fall to the ground in grief, they will feel your love and support, they will. When someone is not feeling strong inside other's strength acts as a makeshift spine, gives a backbone for them to lean on. Or at least hang on to for dear life.
Honour the memory, share memories, rejoce in the life they had. It was wonderous, too short but wonderous. But knowing her made you a better person. Knowing her was an honour, a priviledge. With your heart open, drive through that wall of grief one day at a time, slowly but surely.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Does everything have to come in 3's?
Late November - minor and I mean minor accident in parking lot, looks like it will cost $100, ends up costing us $1600. Not a minor bill. Jason backed into another truck after returning a movie to the local store. Broke the little pieces (2) that keep the license plate in the front bumper. That was it. The truck's whole front bumper had to be replaced in order to fix this. Moral of the story - do not hit any front bumper of any new truck.
Early December - Jason is turning left onto a street headed towards home for the evening. Light goes from gree, to yellow to red due to oncoming traffic. Jason has to make the left turn because he can legally engage the intersection in Ontario on a green and then make that turn if the light goes yellow or red (learned this during rehab). Jason goes to turn, white car flies out of nowhere, runs the complete red, hits Jason in the centre of the truck, pushes in bumper and scrapes down the side of his car and keeps going at 100 km/h (approx). Jason goes into shock, drives home. I warm him up, call the police, make him eat his supper and then back to the station we go to make a report. Apparently only if you are hurt or killed in a hit and run will someone actually go looking for the hit and runner. Our insurance will cover the damage and not increase our premiums. Jason put the truck in the auto shop for a week and now it looks great. We had to drive together for a few days, he got a ride to work with a friend for a few days - all is good and Jason was not hurt. That was a shock to my system that particular night but all is good.
Last weekend I am out running errands by myself, relaxing. Retail therapy is good for me. On my way home I have to stop at a local store for batteries for Jason. Dry clear day, I ahve to take a left into the store's parking lot. I wait for oncoming traffic to cease. I notice a silver car in the distance, she may have to stop for me because there is alot of traffic. When I look in my rear view again she is almost on top of me and when I realize she is coming fast and she is not going to stop I hear the screech of her tires and bang! She hit me pushing me forward. I got out to find out she hadn't even seen me and it's 50 km/h in that zone. I am upset for many reasons and she is a nice girl but where was she looking? My body starts to ache that night, it got so bad that I went for a massage Wednesday night and I will go for another next week. I saw the doctor and I took the car in for an assessment to the same body shop where Jason's truck was. I have some whiplash, should be good soon. I felt a bit better each day so far. My bak and neck and shoulder are still sore in spots but it is tolerable. Some scratching on my bumper and such so my car goes in next week for repair. Thank god for plastic bumpers!
I am done with accidents. I know I cannot control this but I am done. I just want to say that to the universe.
Last Thursday Jason and I are leaving for work and the front door lock breaks, I cannot get my key in it. Jacob is gone to school with a key that is useless. Thanks to BMR and Jason we have a new lock in place and we all realize we must have had a lemon of a lock put in 2 years ago because our old lock was never this smooth. Hmmmm. You learn new things as you go I guess.
Jason had a cardiologist appointment last week. I went there to discuss the whole difibrillator incident where his heart doc said he needed it and the electrophsyio guy couldn't understand why he needed it. I did not want Jas to have a surgery that wasn't necessary. A surgery where they will hve to stop his heart to test the darn thing. The last time his heart stopped I did not do so good. I didn't want to go through that or put Jason through the surgery (and the month of no driving after it) if it wasn't a need. Well it is a need. Everything got clarified in that meeting. In order to give Jason some insurance if his heart stops again then the defib would be needed. His heart is scarred and not working well due to the arrest 2 years ago and the doc said if it was him or his son who had Jason's medical issues he would do it. It may be able to give him another 40 years of life. Not one person has said that since Jason's heart attack. Not one. I wanted to kiss his doc right then and there but I kept myself in check. My heart leapt with joy instead of fear (which is what it usually does in these meetings). We may not get another 40 years, who knows how many we have, but he opened up the possiblity to me which was the first time in 2 years that I have had hope offered to me on a silver platter. Thank you doc for giving me back hope. I had hope the whole time Jason was in the hospital but as he progressed and came back to the living more and more doctors were telling me the realities of what our life may be and hope began to dissipate into those realities. But another lesson learned. Never give up on hope. It can pull you throught he darkest of days. I know some of you reading this see your religion in this way and I do respect that. I think I call it hope and some call it God. And that's OK.
Now that I have vented, a happier note. Jacob had a wonderful report card (progress report) and we went to the parent teacher meeting. We have one smart cookie of a son who is well liked and is doing awesome in school. Math wise - I will say it - a genius. My time to brag. His teachers all look like they stepped out of the school from Glee. Good looking, wonderful, well spoken, no Sue Sylvester present. Make no wonderful he loves school this year. Great staff and it was a good night for me and Jason - we heard how well Jacob was doing and we got to beam with pride. One teacher told us that sometimes while teaching a new idea she saw Jacob staring off and she figured he wasn't paying attention so she quizzed thinking she would catch him off guard. He answered her question correctly and she realized that even though he looked like he wasn't listening, he was! He takes after his father. Of course when one teacher said he was a little chatty at times (I told you how nice his teachers were) I told her I don't know where he gets that! ha
Early December - Jason is turning left onto a street headed towards home for the evening. Light goes from gree, to yellow to red due to oncoming traffic. Jason has to make the left turn because he can legally engage the intersection in Ontario on a green and then make that turn if the light goes yellow or red (learned this during rehab). Jason goes to turn, white car flies out of nowhere, runs the complete red, hits Jason in the centre of the truck, pushes in bumper and scrapes down the side of his car and keeps going at 100 km/h (approx). Jason goes into shock, drives home. I warm him up, call the police, make him eat his supper and then back to the station we go to make a report. Apparently only if you are hurt or killed in a hit and run will someone actually go looking for the hit and runner. Our insurance will cover the damage and not increase our premiums. Jason put the truck in the auto shop for a week and now it looks great. We had to drive together for a few days, he got a ride to work with a friend for a few days - all is good and Jason was not hurt. That was a shock to my system that particular night but all is good.
Last weekend I am out running errands by myself, relaxing. Retail therapy is good for me. On my way home I have to stop at a local store for batteries for Jason. Dry clear day, I ahve to take a left into the store's parking lot. I wait for oncoming traffic to cease. I notice a silver car in the distance, she may have to stop for me because there is alot of traffic. When I look in my rear view again she is almost on top of me and when I realize she is coming fast and she is not going to stop I hear the screech of her tires and bang! She hit me pushing me forward. I got out to find out she hadn't even seen me and it's 50 km/h in that zone. I am upset for many reasons and she is a nice girl but where was she looking? My body starts to ache that night, it got so bad that I went for a massage Wednesday night and I will go for another next week. I saw the doctor and I took the car in for an assessment to the same body shop where Jason's truck was. I have some whiplash, should be good soon. I felt a bit better each day so far. My bak and neck and shoulder are still sore in spots but it is tolerable. Some scratching on my bumper and such so my car goes in next week for repair. Thank god for plastic bumpers!
I am done with accidents. I know I cannot control this but I am done. I just want to say that to the universe.
Last Thursday Jason and I are leaving for work and the front door lock breaks, I cannot get my key in it. Jacob is gone to school with a key that is useless. Thanks to BMR and Jason we have a new lock in place and we all realize we must have had a lemon of a lock put in 2 years ago because our old lock was never this smooth. Hmmmm. You learn new things as you go I guess.
Jason had a cardiologist appointment last week. I went there to discuss the whole difibrillator incident where his heart doc said he needed it and the electrophsyio guy couldn't understand why he needed it. I did not want Jas to have a surgery that wasn't necessary. A surgery where they will hve to stop his heart to test the darn thing. The last time his heart stopped I did not do so good. I didn't want to go through that or put Jason through the surgery (and the month of no driving after it) if it wasn't a need. Well it is a need. Everything got clarified in that meeting. In order to give Jason some insurance if his heart stops again then the defib would be needed. His heart is scarred and not working well due to the arrest 2 years ago and the doc said if it was him or his son who had Jason's medical issues he would do it. It may be able to give him another 40 years of life. Not one person has said that since Jason's heart attack. Not one. I wanted to kiss his doc right then and there but I kept myself in check. My heart leapt with joy instead of fear (which is what it usually does in these meetings). We may not get another 40 years, who knows how many we have, but he opened up the possiblity to me which was the first time in 2 years that I have had hope offered to me on a silver platter. Thank you doc for giving me back hope. I had hope the whole time Jason was in the hospital but as he progressed and came back to the living more and more doctors were telling me the realities of what our life may be and hope began to dissipate into those realities. But another lesson learned. Never give up on hope. It can pull you throught he darkest of days. I know some of you reading this see your religion in this way and I do respect that. I think I call it hope and some call it God. And that's OK.
Now that I have vented, a happier note. Jacob had a wonderful report card (progress report) and we went to the parent teacher meeting. We have one smart cookie of a son who is well liked and is doing awesome in school. Math wise - I will say it - a genius. My time to brag. His teachers all look like they stepped out of the school from Glee. Good looking, wonderful, well spoken, no Sue Sylvester present. Make no wonderful he loves school this year. Great staff and it was a good night for me and Jason - we heard how well Jacob was doing and we got to beam with pride. One teacher told us that sometimes while teaching a new idea she saw Jacob staring off and she figured he wasn't paying attention so she quizzed thinking she would catch him off guard. He answered her question correctly and she realized that even though he looked like he wasn't listening, he was! He takes after his father. Of course when one teacher said he was a little chatty at times (I told you how nice his teachers were) I told her I don't know where he gets that! ha
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)