I know I have gotten really bad about writing here but there has been stuff to write about, just not in a public venue. Everyone knows I am not a private person (at all) but there are some things I won't write about out of respect for Jason. Yes, I actually do respect my husband, just don't tell him that.
With that being said I have been reading a lot lately. I read "Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" by Steig Larsson. Amazing book. I have started the second book in that Triology and it is just as amazing. He died of a heart attack at age 50 before the first books release and I read in the library yesterday that due to Swedish law his will was invaild and his estranged father and brother got his estate. His partner of 32 years got nothing. She is fighting this and a lot of people are behind her. This is another tale in it's own right. I finally finished Stephen King's bible of a book "The Dome". Over a 1000 pages but worth the read. The best King book I have read in a long time. Jason just started it and he is liking it too. I also read "The Intern" by Sandeep Jauhar. Excellent book about his first year as an intern. Medical things have always been an interest of mine and I know today because of Audrey, Roland's and my vigil by Jason's bedside was the right thing to do (he became a cardiologist).
I read Kristine Carlson's memoir "Heart-broken Open". Her husband Richard Carlson had written all of the "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff" series (she worked with him on some of them) and Kristine got a call on December 13, 2006. On the other end of the line was a hospital in New York. Richard had flown from San Francisco to New York for work and had died of a pulmonary embolism on the flight. Her journey from loss to self discovery is an inspiration. Her belief in surrending to what has happened has opened my eyes.
While reading her book I had an Oprah-esque A-ha moment of " I am living in the past." I have spent a lot of time thinking over the past 2 years about what it used to be like. About what our family was, how my realtionship with Jason was and how Jacob's and Jason's realtionship was. I had not spent a lot of time thinking positively about the future. Fear was a wall directly in front of me. But instead of going through it, around it or over it, I had painted it. Hung picture frames. Decorated it. But there is no hiding fear. There can be layers and layers over it but it is always there. So my future was fearful instead of joyful. Will Jason have another heart attack? Will he stop breathing during the night? Will Jacob be alone with him if it happens? Is it safe for him to drive? and so on. That was my running gist of thoughts for almost 2 years. That was not healthy.
So I am surrendering to it. It will be work for me to do that but I am hoping if I keep at it it will become my new habit. Fearing is not living and that is not the way I want to live my life.
