2013-14

Another year has gone by, another year has been added on, Happy Birthday to me. What happened in 2013?

We went from being a military family to a civilian, veteran family. Jason retired after 25 years of service. Proud is not the word!

Jacob finished Grade 9 and entered Grade 10! Not just a smart kid but a caring loving respectful teenager. Who knew we could raise such an amazing individual? Must be the great genetics of the Rowe-Vaters amalgamation!

I had the pleasure of watching Jason finish 2 semesters at school this year, watching Jacob enter Grade 10. My nephews got as year older and cuter. I held two of the sweetest babies in my arms. I got to toast an amazing friend who brought an amazing man into her life and happiness grew. I had my parents and in-laws in my life. Gratefulness.

I had a medical scare myself this year and it opened my eyes again. Another gift. What is important? Health, family, friends.

We visited with family and friends all year long. A priority for our family, this tradition will carry into 2014. It is what soothes my soul, brings peace and a feeling of awe every time we are surrounded by the happiness of such important people in our life.

Laughter has been the best medicine in my life. Hearing a joke or sarcastic witty remark that makes me laugh from my core of my stomach, that is joy. try reading Kelly Oxford new book or her Twitter feed, it will make you LOL. Listen to Keith O tell a story. Sit in a room full of Newfies and the banter will begin. Find a small town and you will find the funny.

I hope that 2014 brings you love, laughter and friendship.

Things I have Learned

My birthday is approaching again and I am grateful for every one that I get but I thought about what have I learned so far in all of these years. I saw an article from a woman describing what she has learned in her time here and I thought I would try it out. Here it goes.

1) Love. Someone. Deeply.
I am talking about a reciprocal relationship where you feel it as much as they do. Not unrequited love. Not waiting for someone to notice you. Be noticed. Tell someone. Throw off the cape of fear and reveal your feelings if you haven't done so ever.

2) You only have this one round.
Totally related to everything I will write here but you only have one life, live it. Make it yours, not someone else's to control. Nobody knows how much time they have, that's why life is so precious. So do it. What have you been thinking about doing, saying, trying that you have not gotten to yet? Maybe 2014 is the year to branch out and try something new or return to something in your past that was positive, creative, made you feel like yourself.

3) You are nothing without your health.
Also related to everything. Take care of yourself. See a doc and dentist if you can, get a check up, don't be afraid to have something checked. Be your own health advocate because if you aren't it, who is going to be?

4) Be grateful for who you have in your life that makes your life living better.
Your family and friends are your support system, your reality check, your source for much laughter. Revel in it when you can. Spend time with them when you can and live in those moments. Make memories.

5) Love what you do.
If you hate your job, find yourself dreading driving to work, are exhausted, in a bad way, at the end of the day - consider a new job. Start looking at see what's out there. Go back to school, start your own business, try some of these ideas before you leave work (I do not want anyone in financial distress) or try to renew and rejuvenate what you do at work. See what other options lie in your job (new position, new approach...). Make it yours if you loved it once.

6) Learn. Be open to something new.
Reading, researching, hearing and discussing new perspectives can open you up to all sorts of new ideas.

7) Connect.
Yes, you have family and friends but are you done? Making new connections, new friendships, new relationships as you get older is a whole new ball game. Not sure if you have noticed but as you have gotten older, you have gotten wiser, more confident in yourself, become more comfortable in your own skin perhaps? This person making new connections today will do things differently than they did 10, 20, 30 years ago for example. One thing I know for sure you will only connect with someone who you want to be connected to, who is supportive, gives and takes and enjoys you for you. Gone are the days of trying to please someone else to the detriment of yourself, to impress someone, to try and be someone you are not. You are great being you and new people in your life only get the real version. Plus as human beings we never lose that need to be connected to someone else but it is possible to give up trying, to be too tired, to procrastinate. You may not need as many friends as the next person and that is OK too. The number isn't important, the connection is.

8) Laughter makes us happy in the moment.
Growing up in Newfoundland it sometimes felt like a contest. Still does. Who can make the other person laugh harder? Not a bad contest. Who can make a whole table full of people laugh out loud, cry, pee in their pants, shoot tea, or what ever liquid they are drinking at the time, through their nose due to laughing hard? Never a dull moment. Making people smile is a provincial past time and I am proud to come from that culture, that heritage. Smiling, laughing makes you feel good.  Try it if you haven't done it in a while. Or better yet, try making someone else laugh. That makes me happier than laughing myself sometimes.

Caregiving

You are not alone.

Six Aspects of Caregiving 

http://www.extension.org/pages/63153/caregiving-101#.Uq4SRvRDtLs

#1 Emotional Impact of Caregiving

Each caregiving situation is different. Many caregivers report moments of feeling overwhelmed by worry or emotions. At times, you may find yourself experiencing the following emotions:

• Anxiety—wondering how you will continue handling everything, such as addressing finances, running the household, and caring for your warrior and other family members
• Hopelessness or abandonment—feeling that no one else can possibly understand what you are going through
• Fear—wondering what the future holds, whether your situation is temporary or permanent
• Guilt—knowing that you are not the person who has a complex medical condition or disability yet finding that your life has changed radically as well
• Inadequacy—having concerns that you lack the knowledge or skills to give the care your family member needs and not knowing where to go for answers

Remember: Seek immediate professional help if you have thoughts or feelings of death or suicide.

#2 Coping Strategies

Learning to identify emotions and new ways to cope can lead to a healthier relationship and lifestyle for you and your warrior. Recognize and take control of your emotions!

• Establish a regular routine.
• Get plenty of sleep and rest.
• Talk about your feelings.
• Give yourself permission to cry.
• Look for humor in caregiving moments. It’s important to be able to laugh, even when moments can be heartbreaking.
• Connect with family and friends.
• Find ways to take breaks from caregiving.
• Join a support group. Meet others who may be in similar caregiving situations.
• Seek spiritual healing.

#3 Caring for Caregivers

To continue giving care to your warrior, you must be kind to yourself. Being a caregiver does not mean doing everything yourself, or doing things alone. Consider the following tips for staying healthy:

• Attend regular medical checkups.
• Take your medications.
• Eat healthful foods.
• Exercise.
• Take time to relax.
• Set goals (have realistic expectations of yourself and your warrior).
• Change negative self-talk to positive self-talk.
• Acknowledge how you feel.
• Allow others to help you.
• Learn more about managing finances.
• Be open to new technologies.
• Learn about military and community resources for family/caregiver support through a Soldier and Family Assistance Center (SFAC).
• Use resources available to you (for example, eXtension, National Resource Directory).

#4 Essence of Communication

Caregiving demands can make balancing other roles—such as husband, wife, partner, or parent—difficult. According to the Journal of Pain and Palliative Care Pharmacotherapy,communication is significant to your long-term relationship with your family member (NAC, 2008).

• Allow each other to talk about what you are feeling.
• Talk about strategies you each use to cope with overwhelming emotions.
• Identify topics that are stressful for you.
• Try to not judge each other.
• Discuss issues of intimacy.
• Talk with a counselor or clergy member.
• Protect your time together.
• Talk about hopes you each have for the future.

#5 Communicating with Health Care Providers

Medical appointments can be stressful. It is important to learn about your warrior’s medical conditions and understand the information you receive. Preparing for an appointment ahead of time can help you, your family member, and his or her health care providers obtain important information you each need.

• Jot down key questions or points you want to discuss with the doctor.
• Keep a folder of your family member’s medical information. Bring it to each visit.
• Talk to the doctor or nurse case manager about your worries.
• Report any major change you observe in your family member’s symptoms, mood, abilities, or daily activities.
• Take notes during medical visits.
• Meet with your service member’s Warrior Transition, Triad of Care, or health care team to discuss next steps in the Comprehensive Transition Plan (CTP) or care plan.

#6 Asking for HELP!

Some people believe that asking for help means they are somehow falling short of caregiving responsibilities (Cleland, Schmall, Sturdevant, 2000). You may feel that you are alone in your duties and that no one else understands. Asking for help is not easy but may be the best way for you to stay healthy and continue giving care. Also, your family member may feel less guilty accepting your help if you allow others to do things that require specific skills or free up some of your time (NAC, 2008). Help others understand by letting them know what they can do to help and how often you want their assistance.

Be honest about what you can and cannot do. Think about everything you do each day. What tasks can other people do to free up some of your time or to ease your workload? Don’t wait any longer. Ask for help now! What can others do to make your life a little easier?

• Fix a meal.
• Clean.
• Run errands.
• Do yard work.
• Provide child care.
• Help with finances.
• Drive family members to appointments (for example, doctor visits).
• Give you opportunities to talk or share feelings.

Military Spouse Veteran

"Military-spouse veterans take care of the sick and injured. More and more service members are returning home wounded. Their injuries are physical and emotional, and no one knows this better than the spouses. The military has a commitment to care for our wounded veterans, but it is the spouse who shoulders most of the responsibility. They are the ones who are waiting in hospital and rehab hallways or relocating their families to be closer to better care. Long after Uncle Sam has done what he can to get these service members back to better health, the spouses will live with the aftermath on a daily basis. They rise to the challenge of new responsibilities as nurse, advocate and counselor."
This article struck an obvious chord with me. I also think the effects of being responsible for all of this should be uncovered, in the open. I am changed. I know he is too, permanently in some ways. We both have changed. It has affected our son, his recent school project includes that time, that date, when everything turned upside down. I was talking with friends, and someone asked (like they have before, I love my friends), "how did you do all that?" I only have one answer "You just do it". With the support of our families and friends, the Forces and the close bonds we made with so many people, they got us through. You got us through. I went back to work to a soft spot to land, a lifesaver actually. I am not sure what I would have done without them, without our friends, without them lifting us up. My in-laws were there for me, and I for them.
Today there are still good days and bad days. Many more good days for sure but the effects from 5 years ago are lasting and new ones crop up. But the positive events bring me back to where I see a future, the laughter, the crying, the anxiety are all a part of my day to day, I have accepted my lot in life. I am married to a true survivor, a fighter, a champion of what the human spirit can achieve in the darkest of times. I have a son who makes us laugh daily, who is intelligent and kind and loves his family and friends. I am not where I thought I would be in life at this age.
I had, in my teens, hoped for a life of success in the medical world, a doc or forensic scientist, not married, no kids, travelling whenever I wanted with an amazing group of friends to share my life with and a man, or two or three.... Funny how I thought that would be a life of success. The meaning of success holds more water now. Married for 19 years, together 22, moved all over Canada and saw most of this country in ways I never imagined, taught thousands of students in the subjects I dearly love, worked with amazing human beings and made hundreds, yes hundreds, of good friends, and had a boy who makes me feel pride and joy daily. That is success, that is happiness. We have families and friends who love us and accept us and I am grateful.
I have heard so many stories over those 22 years, and in the past 5 especially, that it is easy to answer the author's question. Our story is one of many and many stories have made me weep, alone. So I have to end by answering her question "Yes military spouses are veterans too".
http://bangordailynews.com/2013/11/10/living/are-military-spouses-veterans-too/?ref=relatedBox

I have been finding over the years that the best conversations I have with my family and my friends can happen in the strangest of places. Do you find that too? With a captive audience in the car my son and I have had funny poignant chats as well as arguements/discussions about politics, science, relationships and silly topics too.
It happened again on the weekend and one thing I learned about these important moments - don't let one pass you by. It was a great conversation, too personal to share, but I was so glad afterwards that I knew enough to pay attention.

Distracted Living is a new term to me but not an unfamiliar one. I know I have been guilty of this and I have a son who will ask me in the moment "Mom, can you just listen to me?". When he says that I drop everything I am distracted by and listen. No parent is perfect but living in the moment is a life lesson my child has taught me and I am grateful. I have also learned over the years "you are nothing without your health" and this lesson also helps me to live more in the moment. I am trying to lead a less distracted life in this technological age, maybe it's the reason I have refused to upgrade my cell phone these past two years. The irony is that it is my son, and hubby, who have tried to get me an upgrade. Somehow he, not my hubby, has learned to embrace technology without sacrificing living in the moment. How did he get so smart? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-meer/distracted-living_b_4059857.html?ir=Canada

Check point

Been a rougher 2 weeks for me. And mainly due to catching a virus that took my voice and my breath away. Jason took care of me and got me to emerg, thank goodness he was thinking. But I think having trouble breathing was so scary that I could not think. It took a while to get better too. Feeling a lot better now.

Before I got sick I had a visit from Sherry which was amazing, too short, but amazing! I wish she was closer to me. Spending time with her grounds me, I feel more of being me. Hard to explain but anyone who has a best friend knows what I am talking about. Plus they know everything about you so you do not have to explain everything all the time.

The smaller things have been bugging me lately and I am not quite sure due to the huge build up of big things and then having to slog through those things and deal with them that I am tired. Tired of fighting, running, advocating, dealing, treading water, ranting and raving. Tired of the BS, the fake, the blade, the unreal. It has caught up to me and I have put plans in place to deal with that and recharge and re-energize myself.  Surrounding myself with great friends, talking more (yes I said it) will lead to better days as well.

It is actual work for me to relax and enjoy myself which is an odd thing to put on paper but if you have ever reached max critical stress, again, you know what I am talking about. So I will build it into my schedule and eventually it will become a habit, a good healthy habit for me. You cannot have enough of those in your life.

So tomorrow is a holiday and Jacob and I will spend it with family and friends and enjoy every minute! I salute my country and good habits!

A shout out to families who will not be with their loved ones this weekend. I hope you find a way to enjoy tomorrow, tolerate tomorrow, somehow have a good day tomorrow in some small way.

social media is my voice

Fighting for Jason's health care wasn't easy but I love a good challenge. But after taking care of every nuance was not difficult in that I wanted him to get the best possible care. The irony of all that was that I am blind to my own health when it is needed. I make sure I get my exercise, I watch what I eat, and when I suddenly loose my voice (that in itself is scary for someone like me) and then find it hard to breathe it is Jason who stands and says " am I taking you to the hospital or calling an ambulance?" Meanwhile I had not thought of either choice. Duh.

At least I can FB, tweet, and blog so there is always another way to have a voice, thank goodness.

There is a much underrated under appreciated factor that can improve quality of life - letting go. Let go, have fun and let your soul catch up to your body. Park responsibilities, worries, pain, anxiety attacks and have some real fun. Include a friend(s) and it will be a better experience. I had forgotten how much fun it is to have fun!

Seeing a friend sing this week I saw what fun was. What it is like to have the soul catch up to the body. I understood more about artistry and what it means to have to meet your calling.

That's how I feel when advocating. Advocating for Jason, for Jacob, for my family, for military families. I feel alive when I am fighting for what is right, doing what is right. I figure people who are committing immoral acts must feel alive when they are doing the wrong thing. The balance in life I guess.

Spending time with my bestest friend confirmed for me that I am in the right place at the right time.

Releasing, resenting and coping

Trying to cope with all of the changes coming and going has been a roller coaster ride this month. They have been all good changes in the end but we have been riding a lot of waves to get there and we are not done yet. It is true that death and taxes are inevitable but I would also add change to that list. Change has been a constant in our lives for a long time and I am thinking our future will involve many changes too which everyone experiences as they go through life.

A selfish part of me would like a break from the changes, just for a month. Just a week even, so I can catch my breath.  My soul is running away from my body again and it really disconnects my body from my brain. the good thing is that I am aware of it but it still takes some painful adjustments.

We are approaching the 5th anniversary of Jason's cardiac arrest, and we are also approaching our 19th anniversary....I am not sure where time goes but in a blink of an eye it flies by. I have to find the time to slow down, and just breathe. I will have to book it into my schedule like I do everything else. assuming I will do it is not working so well these days. The roller coaster ride will dip upwards soon.

Gifts

Adversity - it is the thing that no one wants to experience but yet everybody does. Everyone does. We just all experience it differently. Different experiences make us who we are, what we are to the world. The rough spots make the sweet spots sweeter. How we rise up to meet the adversity tells us a lot about ourselves, about what we are made of, who we want to become - the test arrives.

I always thought I was strong, resilient, capable. After all we have been through as a family I know I am strong, resilient and capable. Thinking you are and knowing you are is a gift. Would I have preferred to not experience this gift?  Not the way I did but I am grateful so many positives have come forward in my life.

I have an amazing family, amazing in-laws and unbelievably kind, sweet and generous friends. My family has to love me unconditionally. The women in my life, and who have been in my life, have been amazing role models and I look up to them. Their belief in supporting other woman friends and standing beside each other is something I hold dear and I hope to experience this with my friends into old age. Another gift.

I hope to keep supporting my family and friends like they have done for me. To give back to them and to our military community. Gifts.

Resentment

I read that resentment is most powerful when it is felt toward someone whom the individual is close to or intimate with. 

Resentment is an emotionally debilitating condition that, when unresolved, can have a number of negative results on the person experiencing it, including touchiness or edginess when thinking of the person resented, denial of anger against this person, and provocation or anger arousal when this person is recognized positively. By contrast, resentment does not have any direct negative effects on the person resented, save for the deterioration of the relationship involved.Resentful feelings are dangerous to live with and need to be dealt with. 

Psychologist James J. Messina recommends five steps to facing and resolving resentful feelings. (1) Identify the source of the resentful feelings and what it is the person did to evoke these feelings, (2) develop a new way of looking at past, present and future life, including how resentment has affected life and how letting go of resentment can improve the future, (3) write a letter to the source of the resentment, listing offenses and explaining the circumstances, then forgive and let go of the offenses (but do not send the letter), (4) visualize a future without the negative impact of resentment, and (5) if resentful feelings still linger, return to Step 1 and begin again.

Research suggests constant bitterness can actually have negative effects on our physical health.

Moving on may be a better alternative to bitterness. People can reduce stress by letting go of unattainable goals, which may actually decrease levels of cortisol. Getting rid of grudges may also reduce anxiety and lower blood pressure; in some people, forgiveness may improve cardiovascular health. 

Releasing is a messy business

Back to routine today. Jason went looking for his bus pass at 11:30pm last night. No luck there. Then he needed to move my car so he could take his in the morning (I was parked in front of him) so he did that after 11:30 pm while he was looking for his pass. He ordered a new one last night so I am sure it will show up today somewhere in the house. Murphy's Law. I give him credit though - he looked almost everywhere. I tried helping too but no luck.

He started organizing all of his kit yesterday from the Army so our basement floor is covered with gear. He has return everything that is on a list he was given or he has to pay for any missing items. Now these items were issued during his 22 years so the items issued in 1991 require some digging. So our furnace room, under the stairs, closests, rubbermaids galore have all been ripped open. I love a good mess. Not. But it has to be done so just as well do it now before I stack all of the Christmas gear on it, which is also everywhere because it cannot go back in the furnace room packed away until he turns in his kit.

2013 he will be released from the forces so we are being practical, well, he is.

It's been a while...

Good morning everybody!

I have been horrible at updating this blog but it's a new year and I am going to try again. Great thiings have happened this fall. Jason went back to school. He started a Computer IT security course that will take hiim 3 years to complete. Presently it is part of his Return To Work program with the IPSC but he does have a release date in March. He has asked for an extension until his semester this winter is over but he sent in that request in September and of course he has heard nothing back yet. But his marks were amazing for his first semester and his schedule looks better this semester coming up tomorrow so all is good.

I travelled a lot in the fall but I am hoping that subsides for the winter but who knows? I am also writing again. I am going to attempt to write much more than I have in the past and it started out as a book about what happened over 4 years ago but it will turn into more of a "how to not get your ass kicked when the chips are down" kind of a book I think. Going back to that day and trying to remember everything is impossible but I remember not giving up hope, as useless as some thought that was. I made a conscious decision that Jason was going to breathe, pull through and get back on his feet. Now I had no idea what that would entail, what it would look like but in survival mode you don't care about the details. The big things like breathing on your own are too important.

So from time to time I may put a blurb that I am working on here so I can get your feedback hopefully, if you have time. You can FB me, email me, or put your comments here and let me know what you think. I do have to go back in time to that medical history that happened but I do not want it to be a "woe is me" book. Our family has never been about that ad both of us were not raised like that either. May be the same reason why we got through it.

Happy New Year!