Loss and Love

How is one supposed to deal with the death of their child? We are expected to deal with life's occurences as they come at us, having our friend and family to support us through any mishap - tragic or not. But you can show me all the books, show me all the therapists but how does one accept the death of their baby? I consider myself a strong person. I thought I could handle anything. But maybe not. Maybe not. But life goes on regardless. The cruel day to day BS still exists despite losing one of the most important people in your life. People argue, there are idiots on the road and none of them value human life like you do. And your child is not there by your side. No more late night kisses as they sleep cosily int heir bed. No more silly laughs over a family running joke. No more I love you's whispered back and forth. Missing the arguements, the frantic hormones, the sauciness of a teen's vernacular.
My heart has felt like it has been bleeding since I got the news yesterday. It bleeds for her Mom and Dad, her brothers, the families and friends. Knowing that such a kind sweet loving person whom I have known now has to try and choke in the news that her daughter is gone makes me feel an ache, a pain for her and for everyone who has had the newd delivered. I know there are no answers to the why. We cannot hang onto life with fervor, it is a slippery slope that should be treated with grace and kindness, not treated with a middle finger in rush hour traffic. But even when you treat it with love and a gentle touch bad things still happen. They happen every day to someone. When it hits someone you know it affects you deeply, knowingly. All we can do is support the families, the parents, the brothers. Stand for them, hold them up when they fall to the ground in grief, they will feel your love and support, they will. When someone is not feeling strong inside other's strength acts as a makeshift spine, gives a backbone for them to lean on. Or at least hang on to for dear life.
Honour the memory, share memories, rejoce in the life they had. It was wonderous, too short but wonderous. But knowing her made you a better person. Knowing her was an honour, a priviledge. With your heart open, drive through that wall of grief one day at a time, slowly but surely.

Does everything have to come in 3's?

Late November - minor and I mean minor accident in parking lot, looks like it will cost $100, ends up costing us $1600. Not a minor bill. Jason backed into another truck after returning a movie to the local store. Broke the little pieces (2) that keep the license plate in the front bumper. That was it. The truck's whole front bumper had to be replaced in order to fix this. Moral of the story - do not hit any front bumper of any new truck.

Early December - Jason is turning left onto a street headed towards home for the evening. Light goes from gree, to yellow to red due to oncoming traffic. Jason has to make the left turn because he can legally engage the intersection in Ontario on a green and then make that turn if the light goes yellow or red (learned this during rehab). Jason goes to turn, white car flies out of nowhere, runs the complete red, hits Jason in the centre of the truck, pushes in bumper and scrapes down the side of his car and keeps going at 100 km/h (approx). Jason goes into shock, drives home. I warm him up, call the police, make him eat his supper and then back to the station we go to make a report. Apparently only if you are hurt or killed in a hit and run will someone actually go looking for the hit and runner. Our insurance will cover the damage and not increase our premiums. Jason put the truck in the auto shop for a week and now it looks great. We had to drive together for a few days, he got a ride to work with a friend for a few days - all is good and Jason was not hurt. That was a shock to my system that particular night but all is good.

Last weekend I am out running errands by myself, relaxing. Retail therapy is good for me. On my way home I have to stop at a local store for batteries for Jason. Dry clear day, I ahve to take a left into the store's parking lot. I wait for oncoming traffic to cease. I notice a silver car in the distance, she may have to stop for me because there is alot of traffic. When I look in my rear view again she is almost on top of me and when I realize she is coming fast and she is not going to stop I hear the screech of her tires and bang! She hit me pushing me forward. I got out to find out she hadn't even seen me and it's 50 km/h in that zone. I am upset for many reasons and she is a nice girl but where was she looking? My body starts to ache that night, it got so bad that I went for a massage Wednesday night and I will go for another next week. I saw the doctor and I took the car in for an assessment to the same body shop where Jason's truck was. I have some whiplash, should be good soon. I felt a bit better each day so far. My bak and neck and shoulder are still sore in spots but it is tolerable. Some scratching on my bumper and such so my car goes in next week for repair. Thank god for plastic bumpers!

I am done with accidents. I know I cannot control this but I am done. I just want to say that to the universe.

Last Thursday Jason and I are leaving for work and the front door lock breaks, I cannot get my key in it. Jacob is gone to school with a key that is useless. Thanks to BMR and Jason we have a new lock in place and we all realize we must have had a lemon of a lock put in 2 years ago because our old lock was never this smooth. Hmmmm. You learn new things as you go I guess.

Jason had a cardiologist appointment last week. I went there to discuss the whole difibrillator incident where his heart doc said he needed it and the electrophsyio guy couldn't understand why he needed it. I did not want Jas to have a surgery that wasn't necessary. A surgery where they will hve to stop his heart to test the darn thing. The last time his heart stopped I did not do so good. I didn't want to go through that or put Jason through the surgery (and the month of no driving after it) if it wasn't a need. Well it is a need. Everything got clarified in that meeting. In order to give Jason some insurance if his heart stops again then the defib would be needed. His heart is scarred and not working well due to the arrest 2 years ago and the doc said if it was him or his son who had Jason's medical issues he would do it. It may be able to give him another 40 years of life. Not one person has said that since Jason's heart attack. Not one. I wanted to kiss his doc right then and there but I kept myself in check. My heart leapt with joy instead of fear (which is what it usually does in these meetings). We may not get another 40 years, who knows how many we have, but he opened up the possiblity to me which was the first time in 2 years that I have had hope offered to me on a silver platter. Thank you doc for giving me back hope. I had hope the whole time Jason was in the hospital but as he progressed and came back to the living more and more doctors were telling me the realities of what our life may be and hope began to dissipate into those realities. But another lesson learned. Never give up on hope. It can pull you throught he darkest of days. I know some of you reading this see your religion in this way and I do respect that. I think I call it hope and some call it God. And that's OK.

Now that I have vented, a happier note. Jacob had a wonderful report card (progress report) and we went to the parent teacher meeting. We have one smart cookie of a son who is well liked and is doing awesome in school. Math wise - I will say it - a genius. My time to brag. His teachers all look like they stepped out of the school from Glee. Good looking, wonderful, well spoken, no Sue Sylvester present. Make no wonderful he loves school this year. Great staff and it was a good night for me and Jason - we heard how well Jacob was doing and we got to beam with pride. One teacher told us that sometimes while teaching a new idea she saw Jacob staring off and she figured he wasn't paying attention so she quizzed thinking she would catch him off guard. He answered her question correctly and she realized that even though he looked like he wasn't listening, he was! He takes after his father. Of course when one teacher said he was a little chatty at times (I told you how nice his teachers were) I told her I don't know where he gets that! ha

James Blunt - If Time Is All I Have (Live at 1 Mayfair)

Lady luck has a funny way of showing it

Jason was hit by a car today in an intersection, he is OK! The car, running the red, swiped the front of the truck and kept going (Jason's estimate is 100 km/h in an 80km/h zone). He was in shock and drove home. I could feel the adrenaline in him when I saw him. I was so happy to have in one piece but I knew he was in shock. I called the police and they told us to go to the nearest police station (which was next to the scene of the crime) and report it so we did. After I had him eat and drink something and chill. Then we came home, called the insurance, and now we have to fix the truck. A much easier thing to do than the what if's that have run through my head tonight. Scary stuff but he's OK.

Then later I noticed our freezer in the side by side fridge was running for a long time and when I checked it I realized the door was ajar. Inside everything was soaked due to the melted ice maker. A small pain in the butt but who needs this? I did a surface clean and I will gut it when I am not so tired.

Goodnight! Not much luck truck and fridge - wise but Jason is feeling ok.

Acclimation is not going well

This morning I woke up crying. Now I had never done that before unless you include the times right after Jason had his heart attack when I woke up every morning and for the first few seconds I was awake I had the hope that I had been having a nightmare, that Jason was right beside me and now in a hospital in Edmonton hooked up to a ventilator. And then I would cry, I would cry on the inside.

I had a dream before I woke up this morning that I was at my work Christmas party, we were all dressed up and planning on sitting together at the same table. We spied a menu on the way into the room and I realized that they were serving hamachi. Now after I woke up I googled hamachi which is Yellowtail tuna. In my dream they had fried the fish whole but it was slot smaller than a tuna fish because it fit on the plate. Anyways, I wanted that hamachi because I ahve always wanted to try it. When we found our table everyone sat around, I had Mom and Dad there (reasons I will get into later) as well. I made sure they were sat in before I sat down and when I went to sit there was no plate for me. No room really but I figured I could go grab a plate of hamachi and squeeze in. While we were walking in I had noticed that there was hamachi (and other dishes) pre plated so I could go grab one of those and come back to my work team. The first plate of hamachi I came across was not on a plate but in a massively huge glass bowl (even I thought that was strange in my dream) so I kept going. As I looked for another plate people started sitting down and the plates of hamachi I had seen walking in now had people in front of them. Then I spied some bigwig politicians sitting down and there was no time left. All of the tables were now sat and I had no food. As I made my way back to my table I saw that everyone was eating and having a good time. Of course I felt left out. I went back to the table and told them I was going home. I had tried to get a plate of food but no luck. They immediately jumped up and tried to get me to stay (they are very nice people and they care) but Mom and Dad had finished their food and I wanted to just go home. As I got in the car in the parking lot everyone from my team showed up and asked me to reconsider. Then I had to start explaining how I was feeling and I started to cry. Then I woke up and I was crying. I am an emotional cripple.

I have been busy at work and I like that. I really do work with the best group of people so them running out into the parking lot because they care could really happen. Me looking for hamachi? Not so much. But I have concerns about some things going on there and my contract ending has constantly been on my mind so I am not entirely shocked about a work dream.

Mom and Dad were there because I think about them and worry about them all the time. I wish I was closer to home so I could visit them often. Time seems to be getting a way from us all. I wish I had the money to fly down often. A lot of wishes. Between Dad's health and Jason's I do way too much thinking and worrying. I know Mom is going through similar day to day things as I am and that weighs heavy on me.

Just yeaterday I asked Jason to replace weatherstripping around the front door. So he went out and bought it and as I was coming int he front door from my own errands he was replacing it. Awesome! When he was done I noticed a gap on the left hand top side of the door. Jas didn't know what to do and that was it. Now for some reason I am strong and I am a fighter when the big things crop up. But seeing the cold coming in and the heat going out through that opening and knowing that was OK with Jason - well, I started to get upset. I know I was being foolish. I know I am a perfectionist (I spent an hour trying to caulk around my tub faucet yesterday, not a pleasant experience) and I should just let the little things go. But I let the past get to me and Jas 3 years ago would have figured out how to fix the door. That was what really got to me. I had my one minute pity party and decided to go to the local hardware store and ask them. They did not know either - which I thought was strange. I called some friends and help is coming today hopefully. But I had to dig deep over a gap in the door jamb.

I used to think I was invincible. I was a strong and capable person but I have been feeling of late that I have a breaking point. This disturbs me. I never used to feel like that. Never. Not even when things were at their worst. Not even that day when the doc told us Jason was brain dead. So how could a gap in a door bring me to that conclusion? Talk about the straw breaking the camel's back. A friend at work yesterday told me yesterday how smart I was. She had no idea how much that comment affected me (and the conversation surrounding it). Jason used to tell me that every now and again, I think even when he didn't necessarily believe it. But he told me that because it lifted me (yes shallow I know, falsehood maybe but it worked). I haven't heard him say that with kindness in his voice since his heart attack. I notice the wierdest things these days. But when she said it I almost sobbed right in front of her. Not because I think I am smart but that was what he used to say to make me feel better, the running joke. I miss those running jokes. I grieve for pieces like that. Then I get angry for the loss and then I cry because I am fortunate to still have him and I should get over myself. I go through this daily and the stress is obviously getting to me. I used to be in control, that lack of control is what I have been trying to acclimate to since the day of Jason's heart attack.

Now I know it's not just that gap in the door. It's the build up of many different things coming at me from many different angles. And I know people are dealing with much worse situations than me. I do have perspective (Jason taught me that over the past 19 years). I just needed to purge those feelings. So I apologize for taking you through my therapy session. I know how many good people care about me, I feel it often. I know I have the best family in the world, the best friends. I know. It is true - they are what will get you through anything. They are.

The Gift of Cancer

If you check out Eve Ensler's speech in the The Huffington Post (www.huffingtonpost.com) - The Gift of Cancer, it may open your eyes. An intersting way of looking at her own battle. She is the author of the Vagina Monologues in case you were wondering why that name was familiar.

Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving to those overseas, those ordinary citizens who have it in them to not only serve their country but do it away from their families, their loved ones. Missing birthdays, holidays, anniversaries without complaint. But missing their children, their partners, their right hands and their beds so bad sometimes that they cannot even relay that to the people they work with or to the padre who asks them how they are feeling. Thank you for helping others. Thank you for representing us in the world. Thank you for being you.
We think about you a lot. We even sometimes cry while driving in our cars if a soppy endearing song comes on the radio because we know you would love to be home, would love to be hugged. We think about you at work, in school and on the bus. You are in our thoughts. We all want you to come home safe. We could not do what you are doing and we respect you for it.
Thank you to all the members of the Canadian Forces and their families. Thank you to the little boy who asked his Mom this afternoon why Daddy was not there this year. Thank you to the little girl at school who wrote her Thanksgiving speech about missing her Mom for the whole school to hear. They heard the pride in her voice. Thank you to the parents who cxonstantly check all the news networks daily and who hang on the phone calls and emails they get whenever possible. Thank you to the children who are with their grandparents this year for turkey because both Mom and Dad had to be away today. Thank you to the all of the gay partners who are spending today with family and friends without their loved one by their side. Thank you to the friends who raise a glass for their buddies today and await their tours to be over.

Thank you to all of those Canadians who thanked somebody today.

Stress Leave

I got adjusted by my Naturopath today and she told me I am very tense, holding all my stress in my neck and shoulders. I have stretching exercises to do every day now to keep the stress out of my upper body - so now where is it going to go?

Giving Thanks

After seeing all of the news from home about Igor and the destruction left behind I felt I had to try something. So I created an event on FB called Giving Thanks to Home as a means for Friends to send me a loonie in support of a family in Trouty that may be suffering as we speak. I saw Josephine from Trouty on CBC News one night and all I could do is cry along with her. She was overwhelmed and in shock, I could easilyrecognize it. I thought if we could help one family then one family will benefit and that's Giving Thanks to Home.
Newfoundland is a place of giving, caring and hard as a rock human beings that can take just about anything thrown at them. I think that's why I want to help. I want to also let them know that Newfoundlanders living away from home care, people care. The apathy I saw on TV and in newspapers regarding New Orleans was sad. It still is. But one by one, people jumped in to help. Not the government, not corporations, it started with ordinary citizens helping each other.
I have raised $72 so far and I want to keep going until Thanksgiving Day officially asking for your loonie but then I promise, I will stop. I will write a check for the full amount raised and sent it to a family in Trouty. It may not make them rich but it may represent the care we have for others.

Army Run 2010

I had a wonderful day yesterday. I volunteered with the well organized well oiled machine called Monique Geishardt and her team from MFRC-NCR. Our booth was located behind the Danish Embassy in Rockcliffe Park and it was the 13 km mark on the run. Beautiful spot. We set up tables, cleaned, made Gatorade and poured water. We were ready.

Handing our Gatorade to bikers, runners and walkers was one of the most wonderful experiences I have ever had. Seeing the determination in their faces, seeing people wearing shirts with loved ones they have lost, seeing someone who run with their child - amazing. I got so choked up so many times yesterday. I was screaming "Gatorade", "good job" "woo hooo hooooo" and such and all of a sudden it would hit me or I would see somebody and I just couldn't talk. Yes I know it hard to believe. Me. I was on the verge of tears, unable to talk, but still holding the Gatorade.

Thank you M and C for the ride there, and for the Tim's! Getting up at 5:45am is not my usual time so the Tim's was a godsend. Thank you MFRC NCR and Monique and everyone who was on the team - I met some Newfoundlanders (of course) and David was a great partner in crime at our table (and he is a Biology teacher with a son in the military so we had lots to talk about in between runners). Thank you Subway for the sub after it was all over and the clean up was done. If you ahve never done it try it next year. You may think you are helping the people in the Run in some small way but they are helping you - they lift your spirit so high. So last but not least - thank you to all of the Army Run participants. Thank you.

Car dealerships and the saga of buying out your lease

A good friend of mine pointed out something to me on FB the other day "Why do you have to go through things like this? Why does everything have to be so hard?" I cannot answer that. I can only guess. Maybe I go through things like this so I can blog about it? Maybe because I have the patience of Job? Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something? And so the story began.
A letter arrived, from my dealership's financial services, stating that my lease was about to be up in September and a list of my options - return the car or buy it out. When Jason and I entered that first dealership in Halifax, we put down a deposit, told them we wanted a black four door hatchback standard with AC. Yep, yep, no problem. Then a phone call - no we cannot get that car for you, there are none in Atlantic and eastern Canada but we can get you a silver one. No, I wanted what was stated before we handed you some money. Jason got online and found my car in Fredericton, NB. We drove to the dealership in Halifax, asked for our deposit back and told them why and then drove to Fredericton and leased my car from a lovely dealership in Fredericton. Done.
I drove my car all of Halifax, had it shipped to Yellowknife. Also had it shipped here. It was peppy, small, cute, reliable. It got me to the hospital in a quick fashion on June 23rd, 2008. This is my car. Giving it back to the dealership, with only 42,000 km was not an option. The dealership had explained way back in the beginning how easy it was to buy out. I knew when I leased it how much it would cost and I knew back then I would never find a used car with one driver and 42,000 km for that price today (my smart husband and his good advice. And we paid less for the lease and buy out then just buying the car outright from the beginning which even the dealership thought was strange but that was the math back then. I should have know they would get my pound of flesh).

So in July I phoned the national dealership number and got the details. I needed a safety and emissions test done. Check. A certified cheque or bankdraft for the amount owing. Check. My ownership, driver's license. Check. Easy right? So, when I got back from NF (guy at the dealership said to call after I got back from holidays, plenty of time) I called the dealership closest to work and talked to Marvin. He told me the same details. He also said I should get the Safety and E test done there becasue it was $150 and I would never get it any cheaper than that. That was what everyone was charging. Hmmmmm. His voice was telling me that that was not the truth so I called around. I called a local guy, and I called Casselman CT. Robert in Casselman told me it would be around $110, taxes in. Lie. Jason ended up taking the car to CT because I was not feeling well and when he got home he announced "Around $90 bucks, taxes in" for the Saftey and E test. Hmmmmm. I did not trust Marvin now.

So I called the next closest dealership and Jay said the same things that I needed to buy out the lease and I BOOKED on the Friday an appt for Saturday at 11am. He told me "If you cannot make it call me and let me know". Late Friday at work I realized I needed to know who to make the certified cheque out to and for how much before I went there the next day at 11am. So I call. Jay is not in and I talk to another guy and he tells me that they don't make appts for Saturdays, they are too busy. He is rude and has a tone so I tell him Jay booked it I did not. I decide to just phone Jay in the AM and ask him myself.

So at 9am the next morning I call. I leave Jay a voicemail, figuring he's busy. 11am comes and goes by. Hmmmm. Why didn't he call? Now I still have not bought my car. Even Jacob wonders why we are not in Ottawa buying the car. On Monday morning there is no message on my work phone so I call that dealership again. "Jay does not work here anymore." I start to laugh. What???? He booked an appt with me on Friday for the Saturday I reply. "Jay walked out on Friday and he isn't coming back." So someone couldn't call his customers??? I decide to call all of the dealerships in Ottawa and try and find someone to give our money to so I can own my car.

I call the closest dealership to work back and get another guy Earl. No Marvin anyway. Earl sounds honest and tells me a $299 Administration fee will get tacked onto my total, plus tax of course. The is the first time I have heard of it. I phone all the dealerships to confirm Earl's comment and he is correct. Only one dealer in Kanata is charging $250 plus tax. Whoop whoop. He tells me it is $199 plus tax if you leased the car from that dealership but if you got it out of province (like most military families) then the admin figure is steeper. But I have done all the work. I have taken care of the car. No matter. At least Earl was honest, or so I thought.

Earl tells me the amount I owe, who the cheque should be made out to, etc. It is 4 days before my lease runs out. I started this over 3 weeks ago. On Tuesday I go in after work and meet with Earl. Hand over my money, sign, sign, sign. Oh yes he also told me the day before I have to pay a $15 admin fee to MTO to sign their car over to myself. He goes off to show everything to the GM and send it the safety/E tests to MTO and he hesitates. Says he better check the VIN Casselman CT wrote against my ownership. Before I know it he takes out his pen and writes on the safety test, saying he is making the 8 look like an 8. In my gut I know this will bite me. I tell him he should not have done that and he assures me that it would have been refused by MTO and come back to the dealership if he hadn't. This stuff has happened before. I am steamed. Of he goes, everything gets oked. I get the Bill of Sale and he tells me that I can pick up my ownership from MTO tomorrow because it's late and MTO won't get back with it until tomorrow afternoon. I ask who to talk to tomorrow to make sure it is in before I call, he gives me a name because he is off on Wednesday (of course). Earl also fills me in on the other dealership. Jay walked out. Marvin from their dealership walked out and replaced Jay. Too much. Which explains the phone call I overheard while waiting for 30 mins for Earl to come back. Someone from the other dealership called and asked why Marvin could not access the system? The response was good. When he walked they shut him out of access to their customer base, he cannot take all of their info to a new dealership. Marvin is not the smartest tool in the shed.

I call Wednesday afternoon. "MTO sent back your ownership because it was tampered with". I will have to talk to Earl on Thursday. OH no. I tell the guy that Earl tampered with it and he tells me to talk to him tomorrow. Have you ever seen a head come off? Friday my lease is up and I am driving a car that I paid for but do not own.

Thursday morning I call Earl. Of course he does not call me first. He says " You have to go back to Casselman CT and get another copy of your safety test". I say no, no. Earl you changed the 8 into a better 8. You tampered with it and now I have to do something? Drive an hour and a half out of my way to fix something you did?? "It had nothing to do with me. It had nothing to do with the 8. It was the 2". The 2? The 2? I look at it myself. I see nothing wrong with the numbers, I never did. Earl also tells me my old ownership is good for 36 days so plenty of time. I get off the phone, livid. I talk to my co-workers. One woman has an in with the Ottawa Police. She makes a few calls. I talk to an officer who assures me this is not right. He gives me good advice. I call the GM and leave him a voicemail about what has been going on.

He calls me back, apologizes a lot. He is a nice polite man and says he will look into it. If I can hold off going to Casselman he would appreciate it. I wait. When I call back 90 mins later he tells me that he has sent a parts/service guy to MTO in Orleans to see if they can starighten this out. Worst case scenario is that he will send a guy Friday morning to Casselman to get my copy again and I will have my ownership by Friday. Thank you. Finally someone who knows what they are doing. The GN also says they have 11 days to straighten this out. 11? I tell him Earl told me 36. Hmmm.

The GM calls back again. He has my ownership! I can pick it up on the way home. He also asks me did I sign anything to get my plates (sign my plates over to myself)? He noticed Jason's name on my ownership and we should both have signed it. No. Earl did not ask me and Jason (who was never present, I asked about that and was told that's ok) to sign anything. He then asked if we could sign that piece of paper and drop it off Friday morning with ATTN to him? Of course.

I arrive at the dealership after work. When I walk into the office the guy grabs my ownership and hands it over. I have not said my name or announced why I was there. I say You know it's bad when you know who I am before I say who I am. He agrees. I thank him. Jason and I sign that last piece of paper and I drop it off Friday morning before work. On the envelope I write " On Red Friday I thank you for helping a military family" knowing that that dealership supports the troops. I want the GM to know how one of his employees treated a customer and a member of a military family. Whew.

Now to write the letter to the national owner of the dealership.

Silent Scream

Feel like I am made out of ice
Cold, transparent and disappearing
What is left is just an incomplete slice
The time is what I am fearing.

I hate what we have become
Cannot go back, cannot move ahead
Stasis makes me come undone
Makes me what to lose my head.

Screaming silently throughout the night
Wishing for it all to end, go back
Waking up to what is right
The nightmare in broad daylight attack.

The light that burns bright keeps me here
Fighting, running, trying to fool the dark
It is my life, my cross to bear
Drag me through, make my mark.

Grade 7

Where does the time go? We ask ourselves that every birthday, every anniversary and every September when school starts. It is amazing that we have a 12 year old. It is amazing that Mom and Dad have two kids in their 40's and one in their 30's (thank you for thinking it but no, I am not in my 30's). Yes I know I am getting older, we all are, but to have it hit you in the face, in one day. Well not anyone's cup of tea.
What do you remember about Grade 7? I remember going to dances, starting my period (yuck, grody to the max) and getting my first kiss. I remember thinking more about my social life than my academics. Do boys think that way? I am assuming (hoping) they do not. We never had Facebook or texts to contend with - not sure what that would have done but I suspect there would be a lot more pictures of each one of us on the internet - embarassing, disturbing and not for parents or future employers pics all over the internet for everyone to see. A lot of pressure for the younger generation today I think. So many times I had wished I had a camera to capture one (or many) of my friends doing embarassing things. I cannot imagine having a camera in my phone in my back pocket at all times!
I wish Jacob good luck tomorrow. I wish I could be a fly on the wall tomorrow. Of course I would still be the most embarassing fly on the wall at the school, according to him. As long as he did not have a swatter in his bag I would be ok.

Throw it or Blow it

Jacob makes me laugh so often that I could not possibly write everything down. I wish I could. But yesterday he made me laugh out loud (yes I am writing the whole thing out) and I had to make a note of it today. We were watching an IMAX special on beavers (I give thanks every day that my son enjoys those geeky things like his parents do). The commercials in between give us a chance to make judgements and comments (I usually PVR but how do I judge or make comments if I never see any commercials?). Of course most of the ads were for reality TV shows which Jacob does not like at all. As some of the commercials rolled by we stumbled upon the new drama out this fall - Hellcats. Hellcats is a cheerleading themed drama about catty girls with gymnastic skills. Well. The two of us laughed and laughed and Jacob commented that they are making show about anything now and turning it into a drama. Cheerleading? Really? Jacob, being as quick as he is, said "What's next? A drama about playing darts? They could call it "Throw it or blow it!" HA I just about died. He is one funny kid. Of course that comment led to a whole evening of funny comments about his new dart throwing show.
I understand people who do not want kids in their life - it is a personal decision and I respect that. But to not have Jacob in my life would be a travesty. I know if I didn't have him I would not know what I would be missing out on. I know. But the joy he brings me is so overwhelming sometimes, I just cannot imagine my life without him. I hope we stay close throughout my lifetime.

The FM's

Seeing Jennifer and the boys last night was a gift. She's here for work and she brought the boys with her (Jeff was here for work as well but he went back before we got a chance to see him). They have grown so much and are so sweet, I knew they would be. To watch them play, talk, eat and read was pure heaven. Oh I hope they move to Ottawa. Or Newfoundland. Somewhere where I am guaranteed to be able to spend more time with them. When K got up in Jason's arms last night and wanted him to read books (quite quickly, but still reading!) I coudl ahve cried. He, at one point, put his arm around Jason and it was such a genuine gesture of "hey I am your friend, I like you". C. is a hoot, a superstar waiting to be discovered. Funny, personable and will talk to you for hours on end, we have a lot in common with that last trait. A twin but definitely not the same. Two lovely 2 year old boys who are being raised by two of the most caring loving people in the world. Boy did they luck out. I miss all of them so much but brief get togethers like last night's will keep me going. Waiting for the next get together.
Jennifer made noodles for Jacob last night, gave him cookies and milk, took care of him like she saw him every day. I am so grateful Jacob has Jennifer and Jeff and the boys in his life - for many reasons. We are so lucky to have been posted to Yellowknife, so lucky to have met such great people, such great friends.

Trip to Newfoundland

When I go home to Newfoundland, I go home. Everything feels right. The air is better, my body feels better, my mind feels better. Home. How all these mainlanders wander aimlessly without a place to call home is beyond me. I will never know what it feels like to not feel attached to a chunk of rock. Despite Jacob being born in Ottawa he will never feel it either. He has called himself a Newfoundlander in the past - which Jason and I are both proud of. All of those long drives have paid off. He is close with his family, he is close with his friends, in Newfoundland. He loves going home and he loves spending time with his Nan's and his Pop's. He has a worshipper (my oldest nephew) and he gets to share some big brother time with all three cousins. He could be playing Skipbo with his grandparents or looking for rocks on a beach - who could ask for more?

I wish Dad did not have any bad days (physically), I wish certain family members could experience miracles right about now, I wish my sis in law did not have to put her precious pooch down. But despite the hardships I enjoyed everyone's company. I enjoyed getting a facial at the Spa on the Monastery knowing that that Mom and my sis in law were also enjoying it, I enjoyed my nephews - I love being called Aunt Wisa, I enjoyed digging through Cramm's in Green's Harbour (I felt 5 yrs old again), I enjoyed a delicious meal of cod tongues and cheeks at the Seaside Restaurant in Trout River with my in laws, I enjoyed being woke up by the smell of Roland's trout frying in the pan, I enjoyed sleeping in, playing cards, watching Aunt Phyll laugh at Jacob, touring Meyer's Minerals, sittting outside having a conversation over beers and Sour Puss (ouch) with old friends, hearing the two funniest cousins tell stories together. I enjoyed a lot.

Coming back (I flew, lack of holidays), I sat across from Jeanne Bekker and her daughter (Fashion File, Canada's Next Top Model). I also enjoyed knowing that a fashionista from Toronto enjoys the rock as much as I do.

A drive through memory lane

The best place to go for a feed of cod on the island is CJ's (aka Taylor's) in Green's Harbour. It is approximately 13 km off the TCH (at Whitbourne turn off) and completely worth the drive. Picturesque in places, the drive in can consist of yard sales (where you can buy a man's Newfoundland flag for your desk, despite the fact that he had no intention of selling it), a stop at Judy's gift and flower shop and of course a drive into Green's Harbour would not be complete without a visit to Freshmart for local fresh food and desserts. Mom and I arrived at CJ's and had to go find the waitress (love NF) and then waited and waited some more which worked out because when I saw the 2 piece fish and chips a man ordered in the booth next to ours I realized I would have to downsize my order to one piece because there was no way I was going to eat all of that! Air conditioning was a nice touch but I had to order tea (I was cold, ha). When our cod arrived and I dipped into it it was the freshest tastiest cod with the lightest tastiest batter. Amazing. The best I have ever had in my forty years. You must go. I wish I had room for the homemade pies (coconut cream, lemon meringue and apple) but I could not do it.
Now a trip to GH is also not complete with a visit to Cramm's. A store with almost everything you have ever seen or wanted in the past 50 years. I used to go there every time I visited Nan and Pop and I loved looked through ever nook and cranny (all 8765 of them!). I found a Mummer's apron (the last one) which I love and enjoyed the treasure hunt.

Cutting through the day to day BS can be a full time job. Being genuine is much easier than being fake. Fakeness, falseness takes time and energy. Why can't everyone just be themselves? Is it because they do not like themselves? So they invent a new persona, or enhance their lack lustre personality. Pity. Connecting to people is one of the true joys of life. Why would anyone choose not to connect to people? Are they hiding something? When you tell the truth, when you are honest, you do not need to worry about these things - life is easier.
I know I have posed a lot of questions about this topic but I am curious about what other think.

Decisions, decisions......

I am a rather decisive person. I can make things black and white to make a decision but I am aware most things in life fall into the grey area. Being in the grey area is not as comfortable for me. I am going through some issues in life that leaves me in that grey area and it has stressed me out. I grind my teeth when stressed so my teeth have been hurting this past week but once I decided what I was going to do about my grey issues - I immediately started to feel better. I know I am rambling but what I mean to say is: no one should take themselves too seriously. Thank goodness for wit and humour - it will sustain me.

www.susiesshortbreads.com

The smartest people on the planet came up with this company. Then they created the Susie Mobile - a van that has cupcakes on the move!! It is not just ice cream trucks anymore people! They are located in Halifax and I wish they had been open befoer we left for YK. They opened a shop on Dresden Row (a place I loved to go) and they are also at the Halifax Farmer's Market. The van is genius, pure genius. Good ideas inspire us, take a look at Susie's blog, her Twitter account, her FB page. Be inspired. A warning - eat before you delve into Susie world.

My baby is growing!

Jacob had his first official physical today. He's 5'5 and 116 lbs and off the charts for 12 yrs old. He is very healthy and while he's growing like a weed - the doc said he may be taller than expected because he has a lot of baby teeth. SO his mouth is 12 yrs old even if his body isn't. Where did my baby go? No more chubby legs, no more tiny hands gently touching my face, definitely no more carrying him around.
But he still wants a kiss good night and he likes to cuddle when we watch movies so at least he still likes me. I still have that side of my once chubby baby.

Fat or Fiction?

OK I have been eating less and gaining weight anyway for months. I am not impressed. Why is this happening? I read "Women, Food and God" and according to that book, I want this weight on my body. I am keeping it to drown my issues out. I don't think so. I think there is a psychological element, the stress that runs through my brain on a daily basis may keep my brain too busy tot alk to the rest of my body. I am always in "flight or fight" mode and that keeps the body from losing weight. My body thinks I have to be ready for war so it keeps the weight on in anticipation of a hunger problem that may arise due to the stress. Of course this is not happening and evolution has ruined my chances of losing weight. Once I relax I think (in theory) some of the weight should come off as long as I exercise and do not overeat. In theory.
I will not give up trying to eat right and walking but it is frustrating. I know I ma not the only person going through this either. I will push through, thank god I am stubborn. To all those skinny women out there who have never had to worry about this - I envy you and hate you at the same time. Motherbitches.

What the hell?

I know my last blog started about how bad I have been getting about writing and here I am again. Now I have had plenty to write about but most of it cannot be written down in black and white or be read by others. But some great stuff happened too.
Jacob got the math award, the Pursuit of Excellence Award and the Track and Field MVP award at his school and then received an awesome report card of A's and a B in drama (which he's says doesn't really count, I apologize to all of those dramatic). He did his homework after school every day, it has been his habit since Grade 4 and he works hard on his projects and does them all himself. He is a great kid I must say. I wish he would cut his hair, I wish he would clean his room more regularly but that's the small stuff. He tells me "I do love you but you do annoy me" so the teen years have not fully kicked in and I will ride that wave as long as I can. Jason and I are really proud of him, proud of the person he is.

Jason and I are also tolerating each other. Our marriage is one of tolerance, patience, love and dare I say dislike. Sometimes he drives me crazy and other times he is so sweet and tender. The balance is off on some days and wonderful on others. I am still worrying too much so I am trying to work on that. I know I pass that along to him at certain times but I try not and that's when things go south. When you cannot tell the one person what you are feeling because it pertains to them it is not a good thing. But dumping all of my fears and worry onto him isn't fair when it dates back to his heart attack. Sometimes we talk about it when he wants to but I am sure he is sick of hearing me talk about him and that fateful day, as are all of my friends probably. I apologize. When Jason became my number one worry it changed me. I am trying to change back. I am trying to worry about every day mundane things becasue they are easier on the mind and body. That is my goal. Jason doesn't even want me to worry, he never did. So bear with me please.

Other more enjoyable topics - Spending part of Beryl's 50th birthday with her, her girlfiends, Aunt Helen, Claude, Steph and Roger. What a wonderful celebration of one of the most awesome women on this planet. The Nurses and the Brown's are good people to the core. No pretentions, no falseness, no lies. Honest, sweet, loving people who would give you the shirt off your back if you needed it or just wanted it. Everyone needs more people like them in their lives. Beryl, Claude, Sally and Joe are a part of my earliest memories. I am so proud to call them family.

Tracy, Dennis and kids and the three of us spent a day last week at Calypso, the new waterpark. Great place, the wave pool and Jungle Run (lazy river) are great. I do wish the lazy river was longer, wider and had tubes but the boogie boards are ok. I also enjoyed watching people play beach volleyball and sink my feet into the sand. I think my favorite activity was the people watching though - Tracy and I had a great time doing that! I have never seen so many tattoos!! You need to take alot of sunscreen if you are going for the day and keep reapplying it as the water washes it off quickly. Jason got burnt but I did not. Getting a sunburn is no fun - ask him.
But we had a lovely day and a nice picnic until Jacob stepped on Jason's sunglasses by accident ($40 for a new pair of frames, no biggie). Lesson learned: do not lay your sunglass on the picnic blanket (AKA towel on grass).

There is stuff to write about.......

I know I have gotten really bad about writing here but there has been stuff to write about, just not in a public venue. Everyone knows I am not a private person (at all) but there are some things I won't write about out of respect for Jason. Yes, I actually do respect my husband, just don't tell him that.
With that being said I have been reading a lot lately. I read "Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" by Steig Larsson. Amazing book. I have started the second book in that Triology and it is just as amazing. He died of a heart attack at age 50 before the first books release and I read in the library yesterday that due to Swedish law his will was invaild and his estranged father and brother got his estate. His partner of 32 years got nothing. She is fighting this and a lot of people are behind her. This is another tale in it's own right. I finally finished Stephen King's bible of a book "The Dome". Over a 1000 pages but worth the read. The best King book I have read in a long time. Jason just started it and he is liking it too. I also read "The Intern" by Sandeep Jauhar. Excellent book about his first year as an intern. Medical things have always been an interest of mine and I know today because of Audrey, Roland's and my vigil by Jason's bedside was the right thing to do (he became a cardiologist).

I read Kristine Carlson's memoir "Heart-broken Open". Her husband Richard Carlson had written all of the "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff" series (she worked with him on some of them) and Kristine got a call on December 13, 2006. On the other end of the line was a hospital in New York. Richard had flown from San Francisco to New York for work and had died of a pulmonary embolism on the flight. Her journey from loss to self discovery is an inspiration. Her belief in surrending to what has happened has opened my eyes.
While reading her book I had an Oprah-esque A-ha moment of " I am living in the past." I have spent a lot of time thinking over the past 2 years about what it used to be like. About what our family was, how my realtionship with Jason was and how Jacob's and Jason's realtionship was. I had not spent a lot of time thinking positively about the future. Fear was a wall directly in front of me. But instead of going through it, around it or over it, I had painted it. Hung picture frames. Decorated it. But there is no hiding fear. There can be layers and layers over it but it is always there. So my future was fearful instead of joyful. Will Jason have another heart attack? Will he stop breathing during the night? Will Jacob be alone with him if it happens? Is it safe for him to drive? and so on. That was my running gist of thoughts for almost 2 years. That was not healthy.
So I am surrendering to it. It will be work for me to do that but I am hoping if I keep at it it will become my new habit. Fearing is not living and that is not the way I want to live my life.

Sorry for taking so long to write. I did write a blog last weekend but I did not post it. If you can believe it I thought it was too personal, too raw. I wrote it, reread it and realized I did not want to see it in print. So as helpful as it was to spew it out of my system I did not want certain people (no I am not talking about the people who love me) as this is a public blog to read it. It was just too much. I have decided to just keep a private journal for those moments from now on because this has happened before, not often because I usually reveal everything and I am a pretty open person, so it may not end up here but it will be written down somewhere. I hope you understand.
It's been a good month so far. Jason is still improving, which calms my nerves when things are bad for me. The other day he emailed me at work and we bantered back and forth about what to do this long weekend. When I said "well let's see if Jacob has planned anything for us too" he replied to my email quickly and referred to Jacob by his nickname (the nickname only Jas called him, a personal one). Jason has not referred to Jacob by his nickname since his heart attack. It was as though that had been wiped out memory wise. I had even forgot it about it myself and I did not have a heart attack. When I read that email and read that line I instantly remembered that it had not been used in almost 2 years and my eyes watered. So I am sitting at work, staring at my computer screen, and tears are slowly running down my face. Jason used that nickname with such affection for Jacob in the past and here it was again.
I replied, once I got a grip, and told him that he just made my cry and how he hadn't used that term for Jacob in so long. He replied " I know, and I did not realize it until I typed it". He typed it first and then read it and realized he hadn't used it in a long time. The human brain, or at least Jason's, continues to freak me out.

Mothers

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers. To my Mom who survived me as a child in her house. She is a special individual. She managed to get me through those years without hurting myself or someone else. She raised me to believe that I can be what I want, do what I want, I just need to want to be that or do that. I was raised to be honest (not as brutually as I am sometimes, but honest) and do the right thing. Mom also let me know that she would always be there for me. I am passing her lessons on to Jacob, a legacy to be proud of.

To my mother-in-law, I have the best mother-in-law on earth. Audrey is an amazing loving caring individual who loves her family to the core of her being. She has managed to love a loud, brash, brutually honest daughter-in-law easily. There is nothing that I cannot say in front of her to make her love me less. I lucked out when I met Jason, I also lucked out when I met Audrey. Audrey and I have shared the good times and bad and there is no other mom-in-law that I would want me to go through those times.

To all of my friends that are Moms, they are an amazing bunch. Some I have known my whole life and we are still close - 36 years of friendship is a good friendship. Some of them are 10-15 year old friends. Some friends are less than a year. Friends to the end. Unconditional love and understanding is a cherished commodity. A call, a card, a gift in the mail, a hug goes a long way from an old friend. If I get down knowing they are there lifts me up. They are there because they want to be - that can keep a girl going. They know when to reach out and they know what to say, even when sometimes it is nothing. Thank you.

Some are military wives and are cut from a good cloth. The kind that allows them to move their families around the country and the world without a complaint. They have cried in the shower or the bedroom to hide their fear and unhappiness of the downside of the military lifestyle so that their children remain optimistic and hopeful and no pressure is put on their hubbies. They are military members themselves with the double whammy of being called to serve and have to kiss their children goodbye and tell them they will see them in 6 months - tearing out their own hearts to help Moms across the ocean. They arrange the childcare, the schooling, their own employment, the house, the cleaning, unpacking, grocery shopping, bill paying, cable, phone, tv, electrical/water hookups,lock changing, car maintenance, volunteer work and after school activities every 2-3 years they move. Sometimes this is done alone because their spouse is on a deployment ( a week, a month, 6 months, a year). These Moms have all the same issues a civilain Mom can have, just multiplied by being in a new community, having no family or friends, no connections, no job, they need the GPS or a map to drive around (if they have a car available to them), sometimes they are in a community with their first language is not the language of their neighbourhood. Trying to buy groceries becomes a hardship when you cannot ask for what you need. Medical issues that involve yoursel or your child are hurdles you must navigate through - imagine doing that every 2-3 years in a new province. These Moms arrange for tutoring for their child (which is covered by DEM in the first year of your move) so when they enter their 6th new school in 12 years they keep in good standing with their french immersion or math because their new class is ahead of his old one.
I have obviously gone on a rant but I will leave it. Hear me roar.
To all those Moms who love unconditionally, to those Moms who sacrifice with joy - have a wonderful day, month, year. You have earned it.

I started thinking about the changes that are recent and I noticed that I has not noticed that Jaosn stopped doing the freaky eye thing. Now either you have noticed it in the past or you never saw it but for a long time Jason's eyes would look different. Especially when he got tired. But somewhere along the way his eyes stopped doing it. The healing process is a weird thing. It's slow and fast at the same time. I watched Jason so close for so long - how could I miss this?
My brother and his wife came to visit and Jaosn insisted on hugging my brother good bye. Now usually I have to wink, touch, remind but not that time. He is remembering all sorts of stuff I cannot remember and that was how it usually was. Before the heart attack.
Before and after. I am glad there is an after but I thought it was always going to be before and after. As time goes by I am feeling that slip, slowly but surely. Heaven. My version anyway. Jason is back to work for 3 days a week and he will be reassessed in June, maybe 5 days a week then.
There are still some things that bug me but there are many things that make me smile, laugh and love him even more. And let's face it he always did things that bugged me ( I am trying to be nice). Thank god for modern medicine and stubborness.
Congratulations are in order for the whole Osmond clan - Jared has joined the family - another boy right Connor?!!! 7 lbs 2 oz of pure joy. Aren't babies wonderful?
I am still trying to get us flights home for this summer - wish me luck!! It has been harder than I thought!

I spend time now enjoying the small stuff. It's not just a cliche or a whole line of books. Where is everyone going? What does it mean to get ahead? Some people spend so much time trying to get where they going that they are not even sure where they are going or what they are working towards. I do not want to live my life like that. I won't live my life like that. Appreciating what I have and where I am has been a gift. I don't want to blow it off and ignore it. I worry about our future but not like I used to in the past. I constantly worried about everything and where did it get me? It led to a situation where no matter how much I worried, it did not change a thing. What encouraged change was my actions, my positive actions. Worrying did nothing for me so I stopped doing it (not completely but you know what I mean). Once I gave up, once I let life happen, I felt helpless in a way but also relieved. I did not feel responsible for what happened but I did feel responsible for what could happen and I kicked it into high gear. The results are obvious.
This past week was another milestone. Jason got the go ahead starting this week to work 3 full days (from 3 half days) so progress has happened again. He also got more bloodwork done, got new glasses (they look like his old ones - what can a wife do?) and got tasked with a job at work. He is a happy working man.
This weekend we had to social invites - the first being a going away party for his former boss and friend. It was great to see her and her husband and family. What a great circle of support. They have been so good to us and I only hope we can return the favour. Last night we were invited over to friends for wing night. Tom is an amazing wing maker - his salt and pepper wings are the best I have ever tasted. Going to their house is like going to family, they are a part of our family. It is so good having friends for such a long time - nothing beats it. The Penguins beat out the Senators - another bonus to the night and the karoke was heated up and what a great time.
Now I am looking for quotes for a deck out back. Is it worth our while to do it ourselves or have someone else do it? That is the question. I need to find out. Should be an interesting adventure. Maybe Jason and I can do it together? I think not. The deck might get finished but so may we. Not a good thing.
Driving out Friday night to the going away party Jason was concerned about his ability to socialize and I told him he would be fine. He told me easy for me to say, I would talk to just about anyone (the devil himself I would say). I then brought up the fact that at one time he could not even talk to me. He grinned and chuckled a bit and so I had to ask "what?" He said maybe he shouldn't have started doing that! I knew that was what he was thinking. ha I think I have him drove sometimes but that goes both ways. Things are so easy now for the most part and I can feel our rythm coming back. Mentally this is the best I have felt in a long time. I still worry but not to my own detriment, I cannot do that to myself any more. Living without that is better.

Death and taxes are the only 2 things most of us will have or have in common. Jason missed out on the experience of taxes last year. With the help of Ken, my next door neighbour, and my sister-in-law in Newfoundland, Brenda, (yes I called her long distance many times) I got our taxes done. With a mistake. Which took me ntil June last year to correct with CRA. I did not want to go through that again. Now Jason said this year "I will do the taxes" and I was happy. I do not like the process at all. So yesterday we sat down together and did our own taxes on paper. Of course I was done before him because I wasn't claiming him, Jacob or a pile of other stuff. Short and sweet, like me (shut up, you know who you are). That took a fairly long time but worth the effort because now it should be easy to enter all of this stuff online. Jason had it all done and my return was different from what I had on paper (just a bit). Why? Why was it different? I enlisted Brenda again, after calling the CRA help line and not being able to reach anybody!, and Brenda informed us that one product was better than another for filing and we we weren't using the better one. But we had already paid for the less user friendly option so my blood pressure had to boil in order to figure out why the 2 numbers did not match on both of my returns. Arghhhh.
Now with Jason standing over me offering to help, which should be seen as a gesture of good will and kindness put forth by my smart husband, I see it as an irritating affront on my ability to figure this out. He leaves the room (I said he was smart) before I explode and has the supper that I cooked while he was doing the taxes. I on the other hand do not opt for eating but instead opt for having it cold later and enjoy the high blood pressure and rage stroke I am having over this issue.
After Jason comes back in the room after a full tummy and patience renewed, we both figure it out together and Jason files our taxes. Praise Jesus.
Yesterday, on a high note, my Mom shaved her head for "Shave For The Brave" - I am so proud of my Mama!! She raised almost $300 in 4 days!!
Mom's visit was a whirlwind of shopping over the Easter holidays. There was no store left unturned, including a trip to the US with Theresa and Meg - what a time! We found lots of good deals. Between the shopping and the Skip-Bo it was a good visit. I miss her.
Jacob is now gathering sponsors for Jump Rope For Heart again this year and I told him we would match what he raises. He's doing well so far with the donations from family and friends. An important charity for this family and many other families across Canada.

Turning a new page

Jason has 2 weeks of work under his belt. He actually got to do some work today. Still no security clearance yet but it will come. Jacob turned 12 last week and Jason turned 39. I am the shortest oldest member of this family - what an honour. Damn those Rowe genes. Oh well, I am still the smartest (shut up, it is my blog after all).
Mom is due to arrive any minute and the stores are throwing open their doors in anticipation of her visit. The weather is hot (twenty and up degrees and more to come!) so it should help in our shopping expeditions.
Had a visit with Jacob's teachers (report card week last week). Of course he did well but the only time I get to see them is through a meeting usually. Even when I volunteer at the school I usually do not to get to see them. He is doing great, adjusted fully and the only "bad" thing they had to say was that he socializes too much. Damn those Rowe genes.
Jason healthwise is doing good. His patience level is still a bit low, but it wasn't high before the heart attack. He has become more of himself but he is still not 100% but improving still, each week there is a difference. Amazing what the body can survive and do. He's still too quiet for me but I like things loud. Damn those Rowe genes.
Before I go I just want to let all the Rowe's know that I like being loud, sociable and outgoing. I could do without the shortness but we can't have everything we want, can we? The Rowe genes have partly made me what I am today and I am proud of that.

Yesterday was a quiet event.

Jacob turned 12 yesterday!!! I cannot believe how quickly a boy can turn into a young man. Scary really. He thanks everyone for their cards, gifts and phone calls. I miss the little boy but this young man is a joy and good company. What a day.

Yesterday Jason went back to work. 668 days since he has officially wore the uniform and gone to work. Amazing. Amazing this day has come and gone. From the moment I walked into Stanton Territorial Hospital on June 23rd, 2008 I knew this day would come. I made a choice on my drive to the hospital that day. I chose to believe that Jason would be OK, no matter what. No matter what. Now when I entered the ER and was told "I could not see him yet because they hadn't brough him back yet" I almost panicked. I almost passed out. But I knew that would not do anyone any good. Not Jason, not jacob, not all of the military family in ER, not our family and friends and not me. I had to be the ONE. The one that stands tall, listens, thinks and absorbs all of the medical and military speak that was going to try and absorb me. But I had to control that. Slowly. How I did this I will never understand. I wanted to fall to the floor and be that hot mess. The love of my life was fighting for his life, his military colleagues and friends, the ER personnel had also fought for him. I had to do the same. I owed him that.
Jason has taught me so many things over the years and he deserved my undivided attention. It would get us back to yesterday. To happiness. Jason has always treated me like a queen (the fact that I am one should not make me presume my spouse would automatically treat me like one). Now that did not mean we did not argue. The opposite is true. We argued hard, against each other, for each other. It was that verbal sparring that amde us close. It was all out there, and we loved each other despite it. Some people watching us argue (we love to do it openly, sorry folks) thought we were on our way to divorce court. That is never in our agenda. I had to drag Jason through all of that medical hell - who else would argue with me and love me at the same time? Who would treat me like a queen? Who would be Jacob's father figure? No. He had to pull through. He had to make it. No choice in that.
To all of JTFN, to Stanton and the Royal Alex hospitals, to all of our family and friends, to all of the military community and our civilian communities in which we have lived - thank you for supporting us, thank you for thinking of Jason and including him in your lives, thank you for being a wall of support in a house that could have crumbled. There is strength in numbers. I have no doubt.
Something was lost but something was gained in our experience so far. I am not the same person. I am a better person. My memory is not as good these days (there is always a lot going on in my head) so that was a loss, but I love harder. My inner strength is bolder (who thought that was possible?), I am louder (who thought that was possible?) and I am more opinionated (do I need to ask that question again?).
Military families need support from their communities, from each other. Stand tall. reach out to each other. Do not unplug someone in a coma until you are sure. Be sure. Never believe what the first doctor tells you. Listen to your gut. When your significant other squeezes your hand, it may actually be a squeeze and not a reflex. Help your neighbour. Actions mean more than words. Love your family and friends, do not take them for granted. Give back and you will benefit in ways you cannot even imagine.

Fantasy and reality

Busy week ahead of us, been a great week behind us. I went to see my osteopath again. My hips have stayed put since the last visit so that was great news. My body can adapt to positive change. So she then focussed on on my spine. Oh my. She warmed up the muscles around my vertebrae for about 20 mins and then told me to take a deep breath in and I knew when I breathed out something was coming. Sure enough - she found that one vertebra that was twisted on an angle so below that she lifted all of them up and dropped them down again and I heard a distinctive pop, like when someone puts their knuckle inside their cheek and pulls out). That noise was my vertebrae dropping back into place. She felt my spine again and the vertebrae which has been out of place for 6 years is back where it should be - like magic, scary magic. She worked on my neck for the rest of the visit - the third and last injury I have but she could not get to it so one more visit should fix that up, I hope. I do feel alot better than before our visits despite the scary movement of my spine but my muscles are responding in kind, I am sleeping better (cannot stop snoring due to post nasal drip - my jaw and sinuses would be affected too she said) and I am feeling more like myself. Jason, on the other hand, starts in our bed and finishes his nights sleep in the spare bed. I feel bad for him but what can I do. Until I adjust and the weather turns permanently warm I am what I am. I sound like Popeye but other than that I am good.
We saw Alice in Wonderland yesterday and we all liked it. I get Tim Burton. This is not a children's fantasy but an adult one. Supper at the Osmonds was divine -Moroccan - thanks Michelle and Keith! 3 games of 120's was great too - too bad the men had luck on their side.
This week is so exciting, I may not sleep due to it. We have been waiting for this for a long time and the routine is anything but boring to us. We are craving routine. Bring it on.

My mind is gone, half the time.

An interesting week. Jason took an interest in cleaning out the garage, which has not been touched since we moved here. Ok. Maybe it was not so much an interest as avoiding the future. I told him if it wasn't cleaned up and sorted, I was going to back the truck up (emphasis on BACK THE TRUCK UP) and load everything into it and drop it off at the dump. The journey to how he got there doesn't count. The fact that he has started in on the garage makes me happy. Plus someone will know what's out there.
Dad's birthday was on the 11th! Of course I mentioned on Facebook how I forgot to call him on that day. I only told everyone at work who mentioned the date that it was my Dad's birthday. I told Jason, excuse me, reminded Jason that we had to call, reminded Jacob too. Did I call? Nope. My mind is officially gone. We did go to the high school for their Open House night so we could check out the school, the teachers, the classrooms, etc. I am a bad daughter but I will spend the rest of the year until the next birthday trying to make it up to him. Dad, of course, loves me (I am his favorite daughter. Never mind that I am the only one.) and has already forgiven me. But the guilt will be carried by me for quite some time. You see I am perfect and a superwoman so to forget this important day is heinous and devestating.
Back to the school, Jacob will be going there in September (unreal) and it was nice to see it up close. All of the staff were friendly and personable, the school itself is getting a brand new 7/8 wing (awesome!) and they have sun roofs in the classrooms! They are going healthier in the fall - no vending machines, the cafeteria will improve its menu, so that makes me happy. The 7/8's also have a Breakfast for Learning program so all kids get something to eat in the mornings. The teacher in charge is hoping to expand that program and I am hoping to volunteer. Lots of sports, Jacob wants to play football and rugby maybe - is this the beginning of breaks and sprains? Knock on wood.
Work has been busy but it is such a great place to work. Truly a gift working there. I just hope when my contract is up next year that there will be another place for me in that organization, I love going to work in the morning.

News!

Thursday resulted in another hurdle climbed, we had a meeting with case management which included our representative, a representative from the IPSC, Jason's doc, a nurse and a representative from the Forces.
Jason returns to work in 18 days! He will start out with may be 3 half days for a month, be re-evaluated, then move into some full days, and so on. Well you could not wipe the grin off his face. Or mine for that matter!
In the meantime he will have his two medicals, be evaluated by all sorts of military medical docs and case management people and then a decision to retain with restriction or to release will come down the pipe. Jason hopes, of course, that he is retained with restriction (no overseas postings but continuing to contribute at work). He can only work 3 years max like that but he wants to work, be a part of the CF. Possible transfer to civie street workign within the CF is possible as well. Of course there is always a chance of medical release, thank you for your time, bye. But that last option is not one of ours.
Jason has defied every law of physics, broken every rule of neurology and medicine, every small success has gotten him and me to here today. I have been inspired and empowered by Jason in his recovery (don't tell him I said that, wink!). In the wake of the past 18 months I have somehow managed to feel better about myself. And my self-esteem was high to start with (ha).
When Jason had his heart attack our marraige was strong and could take the brunt of that ordeal. Today I am happy to say it remains strong. I did worry about it faltering as we went through this, knowing that it may be a lifetime of ups and downs (which is what marraige is anyways so I don't know why I was worrying about it). I cried in the shower yesterday morning and on the drive into work. It hit me that the day he puts his combats back on is fast approaching. I remembered the cardiologist telling me early on he may never go back to work meaning that he would be lucky to survive let alone hold down a job.
Last night Jason was talking to an old friend on the phone and he asked me if he had an IV in during his hospital stay (they were talking about IV's, his friend in is the hospital right now). Of course I replied ever so delicately "IV? You had an IV, a central line, a feeding tube and a ventilator, oh and don't forget about the trach!" Jason replies over the phone (while ignoring my loud comment) "Yeah I guess I had an IV". ha
I wish I could forget some of that early trauma sometimes but it does remind me of how far we have come. Together.

Massage, Osteopathy, Body Language

I had a massage therapy this past week (military spouses - we are covered, if we have a prescription, for $300 a calendar year) due to pain in my right shoulder - my GP was appalled that I would not get help for that so she wrote me a script. Off I went to a local lady who is Wonder Woman! She examined me for 30-40 mins and told me my spine is off. My head is not centered, which is due to my spine twisting and turning. She asked me if I had an accident to cause and then we talked some more. Then she asked if I had any kids and how the delivery went. My mind went uh oh. Is that what caused all of this? I have had lower back pain for the past 2 years. I blamed my bed, I blamed sitting in the hospital, I blamed myself. Apparently it may be due to my spinal changes. She recommended an osteopath (we are covered for $300 a calendar year without a prescription) so I am off to see her on Tuesday. Wish me luck! If she can help fix me I will be grateful.
Oh and my massage, which was done knowing all of this, was awesome! I have had no back pain since, and I have slept like a baby!

Things I learned about myself last night...

#1. I still enjoy a glass of champagne with friends.

#2. I like escargot if cooked properly.

#3. Spending time with friends is always a good thing (I already knew this but it was confirmed once again last night).

#4. Getting ID'ed by the door man is a good thing after 40.

#5. I still love dancing, especially to 80's music.

#6. Spending time in a bathroom with 20 year olds at a bar is an interesting experience - I also learned I do not want to go back in time.

#7. Dancing in high heels for hours is not a good thing for my back.

#8. Having a good babysitter is like having won the lottery.

Long week

Everybody at work yesterday was talking about the long week it had been and I was thinking "Really?" because it seemed like a normal week to me. But as I realized last night talking to Tracy I had been going to bed early almost every night. And usually I read before I got to sleep and I would only get a paragraph in and have to put my book down and nod off. Last night I was in bed by 10pm which is unusual for me only a Friday night. So I guess it was a long week for me as well, I just did not know it until it was over.
My patience for people and things had been growing but ever since the earthquake in Haiti, where people have real problems and issues, my patience has thinned out again. I have got to keep that in check but every now and again I give a person a dose of perspective that they do not like and I wish I had kept my mouth shut. But really, when is that ever going to happen? At least I am realistic.

Dylan is a writing genius - how can he know how I feel?

This song written by Dylan and sung by Adele on her CD "19" is amazing. It says all I want to say about Jason and about Jacob in one song.


Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rollin' sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love

Bob Dylan

Copyright ©1997 Special Rider Music

Settling in

I am starting to feel like I am settling in. Settling in to Ottawa, to our situation (which improves from day to day) and in to life. For a while I had put everything at a stand still. At first I thought it was an outside influence but no, it was me. I had suspended living, at least, living to the fullest. If anything life is meant to be lived to the fullest and I had let a ton of stuff stay on my back and keep me from doing so. Now if I can convince others around me to do so too. Jacob still has a hate on for Ottawa but he recently started playing soccer again and he loves it. I am still amazed by his size and agility and I wish he'd stop getting taller than his mother. I heard Jason talking to him last night and I thought it was going to turn into something that I'd have to fix (all you Mom's know what I am talking about) but he told Jacob why he didn't like what he was saying or how he was saying it and they had a great conversation (and did not know they had an eavesdropper). That kind of stuff still makes me smile.
Because I am starting to live Jacob thinks I am gone too much and why do I get to do everything and he doesn't? Hmmmm. For some reason he has this impression that I have a wild and crazy social life and I have left him out of it. In the mean time when I stay home he ignores me for the most part, does his own thing or goes to a friend's house without a second glance back at me, left home alone. The only time he doesn't ignore me is when I am on the phone. As soon as a friend calls he is in my face, on top of me, wanting to hang out. What is up with that?
When he fully settles in I cannot wait to bother him when he gets a phone call.

Venting

After venting I feel lighter, a blog full of self psychotherapy is not what I intended so I will have to try something lighter for a while. I did read somewhere about the fakeness of some people's behaviour in the middle of a traumatic occurence. I cannot do that and thus I vent. But I am sure that anyone who reads this blog is not hoping for more of my crap. I apologize for any future venting now but it is what it is. My life. I need to worry less and just live. There are many moments where I have been able to do that with ease, other times not so much.
I was returning some of Jacob's items today - he needs new sneakers but I did not pick out the cool ones. Oh and he is wearing a 10 1/2 in men's now. Anyways I was on the escalator and people where blocking it and all that I could think of was Rick Mercer's rant on escalators. If you haven't read it, Google it. It made me laugh whereas at other times I would have been annoyed.
There was a light hearted thought. Ahhhhh....

2010

I am 40 years old. I have been married for 15 years. I have an 11 year old child. And I have been scared to death, actually scared by death. I had hoped by now that I would "be over it" to a point. But that one day has changed me forever. In some ways the changes are better for me. I do not sweat the small stuff any more, if anything it has become amusing. I appreciate living in the moment, trying new things, having more fun, taking care of myself. I am more independent than I was and I can handle just about anything.
The irony of all that is that I am living with a constant underlying fear that brews upward every now and again and spews into a good day, turning it into a bad one. My anxiety attacks have lessened but when they happen it takes the good out of me. I have been known to cry in the shower or bathtub. I am not sure why I do it there, maybe my body knows I am alone, away from witnesses and I can sob without pity, judgement or even a good old fashioned hug. Now I know I need that hug but when I am crying in the bathtub, hard enough to hurt my chest and back, I just want to be alone. I feel alone. I do not have someone close by geographically who lives in fear each day that their spouse is going to die any minute and will be left alone, young, in this world to raise their child alone. I am not sure if I would feel differently if Jacob was grown up and had his own family but I am so worried about him losing Jason, losing his Dad. That day the doc told me Jason was brain dead Jacob was the only thing in my mind. What am I going to tell him? How? How is he going to live without his Dad? I knew he would not be the first child who had to do this but now he was joining those ranks. That feeling has not left me.
I am grateful this is our second Christmas since the heart attack. But I have to be honest I have grieved over losing Jason again this week. I do that from time to time. The odd thing is that Jason has recovered so much of his memory, is doing the best he's ever done, he is still improving every day and yet I am still grieving. There are good days and bad days and on the bad days I am tired. Tired of watching what he eats, drinks, how much he exercises, what he lifts, if he took his pills, doc appts, writing everything down. I am proud to do it, I am happy to do it. But it is tiring. I of course would rather be doing this than the other option.
The other night Jason expressed his gratefulness for everything I have done in a way that was so heart warming and loving, I was touched. Our communication that we shared before all this happened is being revived and nothing could make me happier right now. But as it begins to wake up it is also a reminder of what it hasn't been in the past year and a half. I missed him and he was right in front of me. Living with that has been hard but celebrating all of that coming back has been a joy. I know I am blathering on and yammering and not really making any sense but if I expel all of this out of my head I end up feeling better, relieved by unloading to my shrinks out there. That's you by the way.
2009 was better than the last half of 2008. The beginning of 2010 leaves me hopeful. I am not sure whats in store but I look forward to doing it with Jason and Jacob and I know that's all that matters. More good days than bad days is my goal. I hope the same for you.