Royal Alex Hospital

I phoned the Royal Alex Hospital in Edmonton today and I asked for any of the nurses Jason had when we were there in 2008. A nurse kindly told me that Matthew, a nurse we held in high regard and who we all got close too in those 4 weeks at the CCU, was coming on his shift in an hour. So I called back. At first when I introduced myself he wasn't remembering me but when I mentioned Jason and the military he remembered. He asked me first if Jason was OK and I said yes and he quickly told me he had goosebumps. I gave him the Coles notes version of our life right up to the ICD implant and Matthew was so happy. He couldn't wait to tell his manager and the other nurses. He told me it was the best news he had had in the past 3 months. He thanked me for calling and I thanked him and the staff for all of their care back in 2008. I remembered that Matthew had told me that the staff at the CCU never get to hear the good stories. People who happily go home go about their lives and forget to give updates to the staff so that was my goal today. For the most part the CCU nurses see the details of pain and then death and how it affects the families, they sometimes need reminding why they do what they do, one good story can erase 3 months of loss in an intensive care unit. That's why I called today.

Love and Support

The love and support of our families and friends are what gets me through some of the toughest days I have gone through. Being in that hospital yesterday and having 2 very dear sweet loving friends show up and surprise me touched me to my core. Their hugs and their smiles lifted me up. Especially since they have a lot going on their own lives. My work family showed up at the hospital main doors to take me away and we had a delicious lunch and great conversation which I really needed. The calls, emails, the chats all made yesterday a better day. Thank you. Thank you for your positive thoughts, your caring loving support, thank you.
Jason and I talked about all of the support we have received since the beginning of all this, and it is happily overwhelming. We are truly blessed by the people in our lives.

Reminders

I have had some really wierd reminders of what went on the day of Jason's heart attack and I have let a lot of them go. I have gotten rid of certain clothes or items I used during my stay in Edmonton. There are still some lagging ones such as the mini speaker sysytem I bought for his IPOD so he could listen to Stan Rogers and his books on tape during the day in the hospital. I was trying to play what he liked and let him know when it was day or night. Now he still uses that so I don't think I can just up and throw that out. Well, I could but it would not be pretty, ha. My cousin D sent him tons of huge photos of family, friends, himself, images which we used to decorate his room walls. I have some of them in my cubicle at work, irony at its best, but they are happy reminders so I am OK with that.
When I arrived in Edmonton and looked at what I had packed in Yellowknife - I did not have many things, nor did they make much sense. So I had to buy some stuff - socks, underwear, brush, deodorant, etc and I also did not have any slippers packed. So at the nearest mall (across the road from the hotel room) Audrey and I bought our needed items and I bought a pair of green slip ons and used them as slippers. They were OK, they served their purpose but they weren't really comfortable. But I continued to wear them for the next 2 years. Why? Why didn't I leave them in Edmonton? Why did I wear not so comfortable shoes for 2 years? I felt like I was punishing myself but I did not know why. So I had a lighbulb moment just before Audrey and Roland got here that they were not travelling into 2011 with me. I did not wear them while they were here and I threw them out a few days ago.
How strange, I am sure Freud would have had a field day with me. It was like I did not want to let that time in Edmonton go, like I wanted to hang onto it. No more. Looking forward is still scary sometimes but it's what we should all be doing. Looking back is good for perspective but not for pain, grief, trauma. That time in YK and Edmonton bonded me to many people for life, a very good thing. I always appreciated Jason and Jacob and what we had together as a family but I smile a lot more when they aren't looking. I know who my friends are (and wouldn't you all like to know that, without something bad happening of course). Seeing army uniforms makes me so proud no matter who is in the uniform. I know I can push through.
Of course I am extra stressed at times, I get tense a lot, I think too much, I worry more but as time moves ahead I am trying to work on those things about myself that have been affected. I probably tell more white lies when people ask if I am OK. But sometimes I lay it on people and I know that is not what they wanted to hear. I still feel honesty comes first. I know I can be raw and sharp but I try not to be.
Jason gave me a beautiful Christmas card this year :
A wife is the one who shares each season of your life...
...she is the companion of your heart through everything life brings.
In the happy times we cherish,
in the hard times that we weather,
In the quiet, tender moments
that we spend alone together...
In all the times
of smiles and tears
that life can bring our way,
I'm grateful
you're beside me,
and I love you more
each day.

One time, he said that he knew why he was with me but he did not know why I was with him. Why are you with me? I think I replied " Idiot". I told him that I when I met him, I met my father and then I knew he was the one. Damn. He is kind, friendly to everyone, loving, smart and a good soul and would make a wonderful father. He was just like my Dad. I did not expect to meet the one at age 23 but that is Lana's and Dena's fault. Dena for having that party and Lana for taking me to that party. It's all their faults.

Christmas 2010 - a new beginning

Leading up to Christmas Jacob got his report card - he is doing so well in school! The day before Christmas break he came home with an 80+ on his last math test and he was worried because it wasn't in the 90's! Now secretly I was glad because this attitude will keep him in study/school mode but my Oscar winning performance included telling him that it was an awesome mark (it is especially for us mathemagicians (which is what Jason calls me)) and that as long as he knows where he went wrong then he learnt something and that is OK. I am so relieved that he is enjoying school and his friends there.

Audrey and Roland arrived on the 23rd and Christmas officially began for us. Jacob was so happy to see them, we all were. Audrey immediately had Jason take her to the mall (yes Roland went too) from the airport (we were both working that day) and I met them there for lunch - so nice! I did not have holidays to take but the way Christmas and New Year's fell it felt like a vacation. Over Christmas Audrey and I shopped, Roland fixed things around our house, we played games and cards, visited with lots of friends and family too. We all had a great Christmas eve with the Moores and a wonderful New Year's Eve with the Staggs (all the crowd!) - thank you Maggie for my birthday cake. Mom sent me a birthday cake which was delicious! Thank you Mom!

On my birthday my boss threw me a birthday breakfast and we all went to that - it was such a great day overall. After New Year's Audrey and I met up with Beryl and had a wonderful breakfast and conversation and then more shopping. I have her shopped out I think. ha

My in-laws are the best. People who complain about their in-laws are a mystery to me. Roland and Audrey put up with my antics and still love me unconditionally. Who could ask for more? Audrey cooked us moose stew for god sakes. We all wish they could have stayed longer but 2 weeks from home is hard, I know. We miss them already and we can't wait to see them again. Thank you Audrey and Roland for making our Christmas extra special this year. Seeing Jacob's smile and laughter when he was around you guys was a great Christmas present. He did things for them while they were here and wanted to be around them so much - it really warmed my heart and it could have made me cry if I thought about it too much. His realtionship with them and with Mom and Dad has been important to us since day one. Seeing it blossom over the years to what is soon becoming a teenage - grand parent relationship is one of the joys in life.