2009 is almost done

Jacob is between boyhood and manhood. What a strange thing puberty is. I remember it well. I may be turning 40 soon but you remember puberty like you remember childbirth - painful but something you have to go through in order to get to the good stuff. His body is changing, his voice has recently started to change, he is officially a bit taller than me and he wears size 9-10 mens shoes. OMG.
I see a baby and think "Was it that long ago?" He is almost 12 and 12 years doesn't seem like much in the big scheme of things but he went from weighing 5 lbs to weighing 105 in 11 years. It is pretty cool to be able to go see "Sherlock Holmes" with him or talk about girls and other topics I cannot discuss here (I won't be able to afford the therapy for him if I discuss our previous chats).
Turning 40 is a hurdle that I am happy to jump. Not having another birthday is not a good option, obviously. Plus I will get to see the boy become the man. But I will miss him. He brought me plenty of messy kisses, lots of sleepless nights and a lot of dirty diapers. Soon he'll begiving away his kisses to someone else, causing me to have more sleepless nights but at least there won't be more dirty diapers anytime soon.

Merry Christmas!

So many things to be grateful for, humbled by and to think about. Our second Christmas since that awful day. A fallen soldier on his way home. A happy and excited boy who still believes in Santa Claus (thanks to his Mom's hidden tactical procedures). A quiet cup of tea while waiting for that boy to wake up. Close friends who are more like family who invite you over for Christmas dinner and share their special day with visiting family members from Newfoundland with you and your family. Family and friends from near and far who sent cards, emails, presents and love this week. Thoughtfulness is always something to be grateful for.

Christmas is coming....

I have experienced more roller coasters since the last post and I have had some really great times and some really low ones. I had to remind myself of what we have gone through and how we can get through any situation. Bad things have to happen in life, there have to be bumps in the road. That is life for all of us. Good friends and family are what matter.
Last weekend I took a road trip with 3 fantastic ladies to go shopping across the border. Great deals were had by all and we laughed as much as we shopped. A definite high.
This weekend we threw our 2nd Annual Vaters Christmas Party and it was a party! We got to see lots of old friends and some new ones. Everyone brought yummy food, Jerome, Annette and Tony played some wonderful music (Newfie of course) and we got to dance, laugh and mingle with wonderful people.
Jason was the "belle of the ball" mixing and gabbing with everyone. It was something to watch. I got warm fuzzies watching him enjoy himself. If watching your significant other laugh warms your heart then you know it's love. Having friends make him laugh warms my heart as well. I had a wonderful time and I prayed to the Church of Tracy this morning because she stayed at cleaned up last night and I got up to a clean house this morning! Jason and Jacob slept in and I enjoyed my Christmas decorated house with a cup of tea. Another high. Working on our annual Christmas puzzle with Jacob - another high.
It is in those highs that I pull through the low times, keeping them in my mind through the struggles. I know I am stronger for them.
Please come visit us during the holiday season if you get the chance. Let's have more highs than lows.

Why do I do the things I do?

Why can I remember so much and then forget such important things that should really stick in my brain? Jacob has a doctor's appointment yesterday and I totally forgot about it. Even though I reminded myself all week about it and then comes Saturday and poof! Gone. I kept reminding myself all week because it was on a Saturday (not many appts on that day usually) but it didn't come to me until 6:30am today! Now all I can think about is calling his doc and begging forgiveness and hopefully he can get another appointment soon. It's not for any thing urgent but as you know, I have successfully made a number of trips to doctor's appts in the past while so I am horrified that I forgot about this one.
Again, why am I so hard on myself? I am my own worst enemy. I wish I was not like this. I used to think everyone was like this but then I met Jason. He does not beat himself up about much and he is happier because of it. Why can't I do that????
This is my last day of 10 days of antibiotics - I had a sinus infection due to the cold/viral flu I had over 3 weeks ago. I hope that stays away now. Jacob is feeling fine and Jason got both flu shots a while back.
Now I have to remember all doc appts, Christmas shop, clean, work like crazy (I love it but we are busy) and throw some shindigs so I can visit with friends and relax at the same time. There is my 6 week plan in a nut shell. Short term but hell, maybe then I can remember it.

Sick but still loving life

There has been a lot of sickness in the Vaters household these past two weeks. Jacob had H1N1 and after getting over that he contracted another virus (more mild) but he had to stay home from school again. My doc could not confirm if I had H1N1 but it hit me like a ton of bricks, kept me home from work for a week and I am feeling the after effects now.
The only bright light to this story is that Jason did not come down with anything. Now I think this is because I waited on Jacob hand and foot when he was battling H1N1 and thus I got it too. I have to say I was scared one of those night because his fever was so high. I called Telehealth and the nurse told me what to do, when to call 911, I even had her listen to him breathing while he was asleep. Not a good feeling.
My sinuses have been really affected by all of this and will not heal up. Hopefully next week will be a better week for that.
Jason has doc appts coming up between now and January - brain doc, cardiac doc, GP, it will be good to have him reassesed again and see how he is doing now medically. He woke me up the other when he came to bed to vent to me about somthing and I thought "Yah, another jump instead of my usual befoer the heart attack reaction "what are you waking me up for now?", ha. I smiled after we stopped talking because we used to do this to each other before and it had been one sided for quite some time. Our conversations are much more relaxed and two sided these days and I am getting used to (I am not taking it for granted though).
Now don't get that rosy pic of us in your head yet. We were argueing about something a couple of weeks ago and I told him the only reason I helped him come back from the brink of death was so I could kill him myself! Which made us both laugh out loud because the discussion was not that heated but it felt like old times again. Anyone who knows us will appreciate this.
This whole heart attack thing has been hard on me emotionally. Loving someone as much as I love Jason and the fact that I loved who he was the first time around, well, that was a toll on my psyche for quite some time. It still hits me every now and again but those moments of pure us that I get now renew my mental and physical strength. I see him going back to work and enjoying it. I am working and loving it, my job is amazing and the people I work with are too. Jacob is doing well in school. He is having his moments these days and I know they are due to what happened to Jason but we wrap around him and protect and love him as much as we can (without smothering him too much). He is a good boy, a good person and that's all we ever wanted in our son.
To all of our family and friends, military and civilian, thank you again for helping us through this. I could not have done it without you all.

Update

Jason is doing better than the last time I had written about him. He hasn't stopped improving since June 23rd/08. The most noticeable aspect being socialization, his personality. Playing cards has brought out more of Jason's personality, being home in the summer definitely helped with that as well. Doctors appts are booked for December and January, we are still waiting on his cardiac appt but I hope he gets it by Jan too. Blood work is every two weeks now. Sometimes there are problems with his INR but he is managing that with his GP. As he improves our quality of life improves as well.
I see more of more of Jason Version 1 as time goes along. Jason Version 2 is not around as much these days. I know this is an odd way to speak of the love of my life but pre heart attack and post heart attack doesn't do well for my psyche. I love both versions and I now love the blending of those 2. Every day with Jason is a gift, no matter what version. But I thought that before the heart attack.
Jacob is finally venting his feelings, his grief, his fears. I won't go into the details but he is an amazing child. Yes of course I am biased. Without Jason I would not have the greatest gift - Jacob.
I am loving my job. Jacob is doing well in school. Life is good.

All you did.

All you did.


All you did was breathe for him
All you did was tell him it was going to be OK
All you did was make him comfortable
All you did was put light in our day.

All you did was work together
All you did was pump his chest
All you did was make sure he made it to the hospital
All you did was do everything but rest

All you did was give a boy his Dad back
All you did was give his Mom and Dad their son
All you did was make us see the heroes among us
All you did was tell him he was not done.

All you did was rise above us
All you did will never be forgot
All you did will always be remembered
All you did is why it will be fought

All you did can still make me cry
All you did was save his life
All you did makes you shine when I think of you
All you did was let me remain a military wife.