I spend time now enjoying the small stuff. It's not just a cliche or a whole line of books. Where is everyone going? What does it mean to get ahead? Some people spend so much time trying to get where they going that they are not even sure where they are going or what they are working towards. I do not want to live my life like that. I won't live my life like that. Appreciating what I have and where I am has been a gift. I don't want to blow it off and ignore it. I worry about our future but not like I used to in the past. I constantly worried about everything and where did it get me? It led to a situation where no matter how much I worried, it did not change a thing. What encouraged change was my actions, my positive actions. Worrying did nothing for me so I stopped doing it (not completely but you know what I mean). Once I gave up, once I let life happen, I felt helpless in a way but also relieved. I did not feel responsible for what happened but I did feel responsible for what could happen and I kicked it into high gear. The results are obvious.
This past week was another milestone. Jason got the go ahead starting this week to work 3 full days (from 3 half days) so progress has happened again. He also got more bloodwork done, got new glasses (they look like his old ones - what can a wife do?) and got tasked with a job at work. He is a happy working man.
This weekend we had to social invites - the first being a going away party for his former boss and friend. It was great to see her and her husband and family. What a great circle of support. They have been so good to us and I only hope we can return the favour. Last night we were invited over to friends for wing night. Tom is an amazing wing maker - his salt and pepper wings are the best I have ever tasted. Going to their house is like going to family, they are a part of our family. It is so good having friends for such a long time - nothing beats it. The Penguins beat out the Senators - another bonus to the night and the karoke was heated up and what a great time.
Now I am looking for quotes for a deck out back. Is it worth our while to do it ourselves or have someone else do it? That is the question. I need to find out. Should be an interesting adventure. Maybe Jason and I can do it together? I think not. The deck might get finished but so may we. Not a good thing.
Driving out Friday night to the going away party Jason was concerned about his ability to socialize and I told him he would be fine. He told me easy for me to say, I would talk to just about anyone (the devil himself I would say). I then brought up the fact that at one time he could not even talk to me. He grinned and chuckled a bit and so I had to ask "what?" He said maybe he shouldn't have started doing that! I knew that was what he was thinking. ha I think I have him drove sometimes but that goes both ways. Things are so easy now for the most part and I can feel our rythm coming back. Mentally this is the best I have felt in a long time. I still worry but not to my own detriment, I cannot do that to myself any more. Living without that is better.

Death and taxes are the only 2 things most of us will have or have in common. Jason missed out on the experience of taxes last year. With the help of Ken, my next door neighbour, and my sister-in-law in Newfoundland, Brenda, (yes I called her long distance many times) I got our taxes done. With a mistake. Which took me ntil June last year to correct with CRA. I did not want to go through that again. Now Jason said this year "I will do the taxes" and I was happy. I do not like the process at all. So yesterday we sat down together and did our own taxes on paper. Of course I was done before him because I wasn't claiming him, Jacob or a pile of other stuff. Short and sweet, like me (shut up, you know who you are). That took a fairly long time but worth the effort because now it should be easy to enter all of this stuff online. Jason had it all done and my return was different from what I had on paper (just a bit). Why? Why was it different? I enlisted Brenda again, after calling the CRA help line and not being able to reach anybody!, and Brenda informed us that one product was better than another for filing and we we weren't using the better one. But we had already paid for the less user friendly option so my blood pressure had to boil in order to figure out why the 2 numbers did not match on both of my returns. Arghhhh.
Now with Jason standing over me offering to help, which should be seen as a gesture of good will and kindness put forth by my smart husband, I see it as an irritating affront on my ability to figure this out. He leaves the room (I said he was smart) before I explode and has the supper that I cooked while he was doing the taxes. I on the other hand do not opt for eating but instead opt for having it cold later and enjoy the high blood pressure and rage stroke I am having over this issue.
After Jason comes back in the room after a full tummy and patience renewed, we both figure it out together and Jason files our taxes. Praise Jesus.
Yesterday, on a high note, my Mom shaved her head for "Shave For The Brave" - I am so proud of my Mama!! She raised almost $300 in 4 days!!
Mom's visit was a whirlwind of shopping over the Easter holidays. There was no store left unturned, including a trip to the US with Theresa and Meg - what a time! We found lots of good deals. Between the shopping and the Skip-Bo it was a good visit. I miss her.
Jacob is now gathering sponsors for Jump Rope For Heart again this year and I told him we would match what he raises. He's doing well so far with the donations from family and friends. An important charity for this family and many other families across Canada.

Turning a new page

Jason has 2 weeks of work under his belt. He actually got to do some work today. Still no security clearance yet but it will come. Jacob turned 12 last week and Jason turned 39. I am the shortest oldest member of this family - what an honour. Damn those Rowe genes. Oh well, I am still the smartest (shut up, it is my blog after all).
Mom is due to arrive any minute and the stores are throwing open their doors in anticipation of her visit. The weather is hot (twenty and up degrees and more to come!) so it should help in our shopping expeditions.
Had a visit with Jacob's teachers (report card week last week). Of course he did well but the only time I get to see them is through a meeting usually. Even when I volunteer at the school I usually do not to get to see them. He is doing great, adjusted fully and the only "bad" thing they had to say was that he socializes too much. Damn those Rowe genes.
Jason healthwise is doing good. His patience level is still a bit low, but it wasn't high before the heart attack. He has become more of himself but he is still not 100% but improving still, each week there is a difference. Amazing what the body can survive and do. He's still too quiet for me but I like things loud. Damn those Rowe genes.
Before I go I just want to let all the Rowe's know that I like being loud, sociable and outgoing. I could do without the shortness but we can't have everything we want, can we? The Rowe genes have partly made me what I am today and I am proud of that.

Yesterday was a quiet event.

Jacob turned 12 yesterday!!! I cannot believe how quickly a boy can turn into a young man. Scary really. He thanks everyone for their cards, gifts and phone calls. I miss the little boy but this young man is a joy and good company. What a day.

Yesterday Jason went back to work. 668 days since he has officially wore the uniform and gone to work. Amazing. Amazing this day has come and gone. From the moment I walked into Stanton Territorial Hospital on June 23rd, 2008 I knew this day would come. I made a choice on my drive to the hospital that day. I chose to believe that Jason would be OK, no matter what. No matter what. Now when I entered the ER and was told "I could not see him yet because they hadn't brough him back yet" I almost panicked. I almost passed out. But I knew that would not do anyone any good. Not Jason, not jacob, not all of the military family in ER, not our family and friends and not me. I had to be the ONE. The one that stands tall, listens, thinks and absorbs all of the medical and military speak that was going to try and absorb me. But I had to control that. Slowly. How I did this I will never understand. I wanted to fall to the floor and be that hot mess. The love of my life was fighting for his life, his military colleagues and friends, the ER personnel had also fought for him. I had to do the same. I owed him that.
Jason has taught me so many things over the years and he deserved my undivided attention. It would get us back to yesterday. To happiness. Jason has always treated me like a queen (the fact that I am one should not make me presume my spouse would automatically treat me like one). Now that did not mean we did not argue. The opposite is true. We argued hard, against each other, for each other. It was that verbal sparring that amde us close. It was all out there, and we loved each other despite it. Some people watching us argue (we love to do it openly, sorry folks) thought we were on our way to divorce court. That is never in our agenda. I had to drag Jason through all of that medical hell - who else would argue with me and love me at the same time? Who would treat me like a queen? Who would be Jacob's father figure? No. He had to pull through. He had to make it. No choice in that.
To all of JTFN, to Stanton and the Royal Alex hospitals, to all of our family and friends, to all of the military community and our civilian communities in which we have lived - thank you for supporting us, thank you for thinking of Jason and including him in your lives, thank you for being a wall of support in a house that could have crumbled. There is strength in numbers. I have no doubt.
Something was lost but something was gained in our experience so far. I am not the same person. I am a better person. My memory is not as good these days (there is always a lot going on in my head) so that was a loss, but I love harder. My inner strength is bolder (who thought that was possible?), I am louder (who thought that was possible?) and I am more opinionated (do I need to ask that question again?).
Military families need support from their communities, from each other. Stand tall. reach out to each other. Do not unplug someone in a coma until you are sure. Be sure. Never believe what the first doctor tells you. Listen to your gut. When your significant other squeezes your hand, it may actually be a squeeze and not a reflex. Help your neighbour. Actions mean more than words. Love your family and friends, do not take them for granted. Give back and you will benefit in ways you cannot even imagine.

Fantasy and reality

Busy week ahead of us, been a great week behind us. I went to see my osteopath again. My hips have stayed put since the last visit so that was great news. My body can adapt to positive change. So she then focussed on on my spine. Oh my. She warmed up the muscles around my vertebrae for about 20 mins and then told me to take a deep breath in and I knew when I breathed out something was coming. Sure enough - she found that one vertebra that was twisted on an angle so below that she lifted all of them up and dropped them down again and I heard a distinctive pop, like when someone puts their knuckle inside their cheek and pulls out). That noise was my vertebrae dropping back into place. She felt my spine again and the vertebrae which has been out of place for 6 years is back where it should be - like magic, scary magic. She worked on my neck for the rest of the visit - the third and last injury I have but she could not get to it so one more visit should fix that up, I hope. I do feel alot better than before our visits despite the scary movement of my spine but my muscles are responding in kind, I am sleeping better (cannot stop snoring due to post nasal drip - my jaw and sinuses would be affected too she said) and I am feeling more like myself. Jason, on the other hand, starts in our bed and finishes his nights sleep in the spare bed. I feel bad for him but what can I do. Until I adjust and the weather turns permanently warm I am what I am. I sound like Popeye but other than that I am good.
We saw Alice in Wonderland yesterday and we all liked it. I get Tim Burton. This is not a children's fantasy but an adult one. Supper at the Osmonds was divine -Moroccan - thanks Michelle and Keith! 3 games of 120's was great too - too bad the men had luck on their side.
This week is so exciting, I may not sleep due to it. We have been waiting for this for a long time and the routine is anything but boring to us. We are craving routine. Bring it on.

My mind is gone, half the time.

An interesting week. Jason took an interest in cleaning out the garage, which has not been touched since we moved here. Ok. Maybe it was not so much an interest as avoiding the future. I told him if it wasn't cleaned up and sorted, I was going to back the truck up (emphasis on BACK THE TRUCK UP) and load everything into it and drop it off at the dump. The journey to how he got there doesn't count. The fact that he has started in on the garage makes me happy. Plus someone will know what's out there.
Dad's birthday was on the 11th! Of course I mentioned on Facebook how I forgot to call him on that day. I only told everyone at work who mentioned the date that it was my Dad's birthday. I told Jason, excuse me, reminded Jason that we had to call, reminded Jacob too. Did I call? Nope. My mind is officially gone. We did go to the high school for their Open House night so we could check out the school, the teachers, the classrooms, etc. I am a bad daughter but I will spend the rest of the year until the next birthday trying to make it up to him. Dad, of course, loves me (I am his favorite daughter. Never mind that I am the only one.) and has already forgiven me. But the guilt will be carried by me for quite some time. You see I am perfect and a superwoman so to forget this important day is heinous and devestating.
Back to the school, Jacob will be going there in September (unreal) and it was nice to see it up close. All of the staff were friendly and personable, the school itself is getting a brand new 7/8 wing (awesome!) and they have sun roofs in the classrooms! They are going healthier in the fall - no vending machines, the cafeteria will improve its menu, so that makes me happy. The 7/8's also have a Breakfast for Learning program so all kids get something to eat in the mornings. The teacher in charge is hoping to expand that program and I am hoping to volunteer. Lots of sports, Jacob wants to play football and rugby maybe - is this the beginning of breaks and sprains? Knock on wood.
Work has been busy but it is such a great place to work. Truly a gift working there. I just hope when my contract is up next year that there will be another place for me in that organization, I love going to work in the morning.

News!

Thursday resulted in another hurdle climbed, we had a meeting with case management which included our representative, a representative from the IPSC, Jason's doc, a nurse and a representative from the Forces.
Jason returns to work in 18 days! He will start out with may be 3 half days for a month, be re-evaluated, then move into some full days, and so on. Well you could not wipe the grin off his face. Or mine for that matter!
In the meantime he will have his two medicals, be evaluated by all sorts of military medical docs and case management people and then a decision to retain with restriction or to release will come down the pipe. Jason hopes, of course, that he is retained with restriction (no overseas postings but continuing to contribute at work). He can only work 3 years max like that but he wants to work, be a part of the CF. Possible transfer to civie street workign within the CF is possible as well. Of course there is always a chance of medical release, thank you for your time, bye. But that last option is not one of ours.
Jason has defied every law of physics, broken every rule of neurology and medicine, every small success has gotten him and me to here today. I have been inspired and empowered by Jason in his recovery (don't tell him I said that, wink!). In the wake of the past 18 months I have somehow managed to feel better about myself. And my self-esteem was high to start with (ha).
When Jason had his heart attack our marraige was strong and could take the brunt of that ordeal. Today I am happy to say it remains strong. I did worry about it faltering as we went through this, knowing that it may be a lifetime of ups and downs (which is what marraige is anyways so I don't know why I was worrying about it). I cried in the shower yesterday morning and on the drive into work. It hit me that the day he puts his combats back on is fast approaching. I remembered the cardiologist telling me early on he may never go back to work meaning that he would be lucky to survive let alone hold down a job.
Last night Jason was talking to an old friend on the phone and he asked me if he had an IV in during his hospital stay (they were talking about IV's, his friend in is the hospital right now). Of course I replied ever so delicately "IV? You had an IV, a central line, a feeding tube and a ventilator, oh and don't forget about the trach!" Jason replies over the phone (while ignoring my loud comment) "Yeah I guess I had an IV". ha
I wish I could forget some of that early trauma sometimes but it does remind me of how far we have come. Together.