22nd anniversary is coming....

It was the 90's so do not judge my hair or my glasses too harshly. Awwwww. Damn we were so happy, newly engaged, ready to take on the world.

Time did go by too fast

For all you Moms out there,

When you spend 18 years raising your child, caring, protecting, teaching that child and everyone tells you (as they are a lot smarter and wiser than you) that times goes by way too fast and enjoy the tantrums, the arguments, the potty training, the school years, the homework and the list goes on because you will blink, and it will all be over. Well, you know what, it does happen that way. In what seems like a blink of the eye, that time has passed. So quickly. Where did it go? How did I not listen to all of those wise women before me? What was I bloody thinking?

I thought he'd stay young forever. I thought he'd be home longer. I sent all of those years trying to do the right thing and raise a mature loving intelligent caring human being who would contribute to a more positive society and make the world a better place by being in it. So you know what he went and did? He grew up to be that person I had hoped, that we, as parents, tried to guide and mentor. And then he flew the coop. Just like that. He started making big decisions about his life, on his own - what nerve - and planned out a career for himself that make us proud as hell. Damn that kid, I mean adult.

Hang on for dear life. Live in the present. Get your head out of your phone, lap top, tablet and or PC and be there for each other.

I think I moved from postpartum depression to empty nest syndrome without a break. Well, that's a lie. It has been almost 18 years. So yeah there was a break. It just went really really fast. Too fast,  I know everyone says this. So why is it so surprising? 

I am not the first nor the last. I assume it is like going through grief, or that glorious rite of passage that got me into this. I will just have to travel through it, not happy about it but it is what it is. I have gotten a lot of good advice from my friends. And of course my parents went through it. But I haven't gotten a lot of advice from only children parents so I am seeking advice from those with no "spare kids", 

Having an extra kid right now to focus on, well, that would have been a good help. They could have helped me through this transition, God, why didn't I think of this sooner? Why didn't I think of this 16 years ago? Hmmmmm. Seems I made a big mistake in not having that second one. Oh well, I made my bed.

I guess I will have to take the mature route and woman up. I will take the high road. I will creep my kid on social media, constantly text him and visit him way too often. Too much? I have a few months to figure this out, Anyone up for rotating road trips and a care package packing night?

I haven't been here in a while, I think that may be because happiness is abound or it may be that I am lazy.  Let's go with the first one.

As I get older I realize telling the truth, while it has always been my thing, may be the thing that does me in. I agree that the truth can be shared in a less blunt, in your face, like a bag of bricks experience but I never was that gentle. So in my wiser older years I am going to try to be more gentle with others. At least with the ones who deserve it. Of course that is based on my personal declaration of who is kind and who is not and my brutal honesty will be required for that task. Always a loophole....

So it turns out after all the thinking, therapy, and self observation, I am back to worrying too much again. Now I never turned it completely off, I am human, but I was wondering why my shoulders and neck are hurting. Again. It usually means I am worrying too much. So to get back on track I have to purposely remind myself not to do it and if I start doing it I have to catch myself and stop. Sounds easy for some as they are not worriers. More difficult for me.

If I listed all of the things that I have worried about in the past 3 weeks, or even the past week, you would be bored scrolling down through it. So, like an alcoholic's first step, I figure outing myself publicly is my first step towards being a non-worrier. At the very least, when you see me next time in deep thought, or frowning, then you can nudge me and remind me to stop it. Or send me a text. I say that now but you know you don't have to send me a text. Talking is still a socially acceptable way to interact, I think (this is another rant in the making).

With all of the time that will be freed up by not worrying I think I may actually sit down and write more. For some reason I moved away from it and it actually helps me worry less. It makes me happy in fact. Now I wonder why it does that? Hmmmmmmm.....

My schooling has led me to this....

The last first day of high school is happening tomorrow. Everyone asks "where did the time go?" for a reason. We simply do not get enough time. Not with our loved ones, our family, our friends. No one has ever complained about having too much time with their loved ones, not in my case anyway. I wish I could have another chat with my grandparents (or have my first one with a Pop that I never got the pleasure to meet). I would give a lot to hear my Uncle Abe's laugh or my Nan's giggle. Or see Nan Rowe smile. To have tea with my Pop. To be able to see Roland's face one more time as he sees Jacob. To have Dad ask "how is my favorite daughter?" and then laugh at his own dry jokes. I would give just about anything. My list of friends is getting longer too.

To hear my son's little boy voice ( I am guilty of watching digital footage of him over and over as a little baby and boy). And now Grade 12 is upon us. What the hell? I looked away too quickly. I took my eye off the ball. How did this happen?

I am so proud of him, The man he is becoming makes me burst. My heart walks around the house casually talking about cell phones, star constellations and coffee like he's not important, not the centre of the universe. But he would say he'd like to be with a grin. Not enough time. Before I know it graduation and then the big life event will occur and he'll walk out that door with a smile and full of excitement. His life will begin. I hope this year drags by slowly like cold molasses running up a hill. Maybe it will give me enough time to get used to it.

Adjusting to life off the rock gets harder and harder every year we come from vacation. The air was cleaner, more people were kinder, the fish was amazing, people are genuine, spending time laughing, crying, hugging, chatting with family and friends is a slice of joy and peace. Seeing Jacob laugh more, smile more, enjoy the beaches, the hugs, the home cooked meals in wonderful company is also a joy. Makes the heart swell like the ocean.

I was missing Dad and Roland yet I saw them everywhere. In memories jogged by those around around me, by family members, by everyday items, by hearing myself repeat certain phrases or jokes. That helped.

Thank goodness for vacations, thank goodness we were born in Newfoundland.

Moving forward

God, this has been a crazy week. I have to write. I have to give voice to the realizations from this week. Learning through the chaos, the tragedy is the only way I know how to move forward. I have cried, I have sat in shock. Crying and dwelling does nothing for me personally in moving forward. Action does move me forward.

My family and I have had discussions. We visited the Memorial and were moved by the quiet, the gentleman who kissed the monument, the gentle politeness, the communal grief shared amongst us. We donated money in the name of the families and I want to donate more.

Writing has allowed me to ease the sorrow. What have you been feeling? Doing to move forward?

When the books fall off the shelf......

I believe the "books started to fall off the shelf" for me the day my husband dropped dead at work (he was a soldier in the military at the time). His 5 co-workers saved his life that day with CPR and doctors and nurses saved it again and again. My life was saved that day by experiencing this traumatic event. My heart broke open and I woke up. We had an amazing life and family life leading up to this day but after that day I felt like I was now really living. I now know what is truly important to the core of myself. My husband survived a massive cardiac arrest. a subsequent brain injury with the help of our family, our friends and our military community.

My husband, son and I dared greatly and thrived over time with this experience. My husband medically released from the military last year and just graduated with IT tech diploma and will return to school in the fall to do a IT security diploma. My son is now a 16 year old with a wise brain and loving heart. After taking care of my husband that first year after his heart attack, I went looking for a job. The book fell off the shelf - I got a job at Military Family Services helping other military families (the goal I set for myself in the hospital) and have to continued to work for military members and their families through the good and tough times in their lives.

I am grateful for this learning, post traumatic growth.

Living an authentic life is all the rage - through Oprah's shows with Gary Zukav, Brene Brown, the list goes on. Ever since I moved off the island I have heard all sorts of comments and stories. "We love Newfoundlanders!", "I love your accent" and "Newfoundlanders are the nicest people" for example. As time went on and we moved from province to province or territory and from city to city I grew older with a great appreciation for going "home" once a year. Something my hubby and I were both drawn to do after we got married and even more so after we had our baby.

Being connected to our family and friends on the rock wasn't just a choice, it was a requirement in order to breathe again, relax and rejuvenate and of course reconnect with our upbringing, our selves. And these days I realize Newfoundlanders have been born and bred in authenticity. we are our authentic selves. Now there may be outliers but I don't remember having too many fake conversations, or being witness to fakeness. People are self confident, with healthy self esteem and they speak the truth. Home.

The fact that this article caught my eye and I had to read it reminded me that this is not the direction I thought my life would take, I had not anticipated after 14 years of marriage that my hubby would go through such a traumatic event, that our family and friends would too. I had not anticipated the fight but I imagined the comeback. The successes, the joy. Not every day is easy, and on any given day one or two or all 3 of us have a difficult day but we get through it together. Thinking about this adventure together, it is the glue between the three of us and all of the support that surrounds us that lifts us up. It's not just about surviving now, it's about living.

Last night I was happily surprised (again) about Jason's recovery in this journey. And it never really hit me until this morning. Crying in the bathroom quietly I fully realized that he was there for me in a way I hadn't heard in almost 6 years. We were talking about things and he was actively listening, supporting me, came and sat by me and was fully there, backing me up. I took this for granted for 17 years. Never again.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/organ-donation-after-cardiac-death-1.2577269

Coordination of Medical and Dental Benefits

Procrastination can only go on for so long when you have to bite the bullet, sit down, and wade through paperwork. I have had the medical and dental claims out to do so many times but whenever I started I managed to find something that was missing or had to be scanned or had to be signed etc, meaning every excuse in the book not to get it done. Last weekend when I thought this was it, it was going to be now or never, I noticed a mistake made by a front office and had to get that fixed during this past week. With that done I had no excuses today.

What used to be only a slightly painful exercise before hubby retired is now a bigger pain due to the extra steps to coordinate benefits now that his dental company has changed from being the same as mine to another. Also as my birthday is the last day of the year and Jason's is much earlier Jacob's benefits have to go through his first then mine and when Jacob and I always had our paperwork combined and the companies were the same it was easy peasey. Now? Not so much.

I know how lucky we are to have medical and dental insurance. Believe me I know. But the mounds of copies and original receipts stuffed into 3 envelopes to be mailed tomorrow tells me that there must be an easier way. It did not help matters (well it did but I was ticked) that Jason discovered our health professional can submit claims directly. The same front office hadn't bothered to tell me the past 5 years I have been visiting them (AKA paying them copious dollars for service). So when I asked why I wasn't told before they weren't sure. But it could happen in the future, I just have to deal with the mounds of paper this month. I will hopefully be OK next time round (a reduced amount of pain anyway).

So there's my rant for today. First world problems (Jacob keeps telling me). Perspective is back and I am headed off to get a cup of tea and a bickie.

2013-14

Another year has gone by, another year has been added on, Happy Birthday to me. What happened in 2013?

We went from being a military family to a civilian, veteran family. Jason retired after 25 years of service. Proud is not the word!

Jacob finished Grade 9 and entered Grade 10! Not just a smart kid but a caring loving respectful teenager. Who knew we could raise such an amazing individual? Must be the great genetics of the Rowe-Vaters amalgamation!

I had the pleasure of watching Jason finish 2 semesters at school this year, watching Jacob enter Grade 10. My nephews got as year older and cuter. I held two of the sweetest babies in my arms. I got to toast an amazing friend who brought an amazing man into her life and happiness grew. I had my parents and in-laws in my life. Gratefulness.

I had a medical scare myself this year and it opened my eyes again. Another gift. What is important? Health, family, friends.

We visited with family and friends all year long. A priority for our family, this tradition will carry into 2014. It is what soothes my soul, brings peace and a feeling of awe every time we are surrounded by the happiness of such important people in our life.

Laughter has been the best medicine in my life. Hearing a joke or sarcastic witty remark that makes me laugh from my core of my stomach, that is joy. try reading Kelly Oxford new book or her Twitter feed, it will make you LOL. Listen to Keith O tell a story. Sit in a room full of Newfies and the banter will begin. Find a small town and you will find the funny.

I hope that 2014 brings you love, laughter and friendship.

Things I have Learned

My birthday is approaching again and I am grateful for every one that I get but I thought about what have I learned so far in all of these years. I saw an article from a woman describing what she has learned in her time here and I thought I would try it out. Here it goes.

1) Love. Someone. Deeply.
I am talking about a reciprocal relationship where you feel it as much as they do. Not unrequited love. Not waiting for someone to notice you. Be noticed. Tell someone. Throw off the cape of fear and reveal your feelings if you haven't done so ever.

2) You only have this one round.
Totally related to everything I will write here but you only have one life, live it. Make it yours, not someone else's to control. Nobody knows how much time they have, that's why life is so precious. So do it. What have you been thinking about doing, saying, trying that you have not gotten to yet? Maybe 2014 is the year to branch out and try something new or return to something in your past that was positive, creative, made you feel like yourself.

3) You are nothing without your health.
Also related to everything. Take care of yourself. See a doc and dentist if you can, get a check up, don't be afraid to have something checked. Be your own health advocate because if you aren't it, who is going to be?

4) Be grateful for who you have in your life that makes your life living better.
Your family and friends are your support system, your reality check, your source for much laughter. Revel in it when you can. Spend time with them when you can and live in those moments. Make memories.

5) Love what you do.
If you hate your job, find yourself dreading driving to work, are exhausted, in a bad way, at the end of the day - consider a new job. Start looking at see what's out there. Go back to school, start your own business, try some of these ideas before you leave work (I do not want anyone in financial distress) or try to renew and rejuvenate what you do at work. See what other options lie in your job (new position, new approach...). Make it yours if you loved it once.

6) Learn. Be open to something new.
Reading, researching, hearing and discussing new perspectives can open you up to all sorts of new ideas.

7) Connect.
Yes, you have family and friends but are you done? Making new connections, new friendships, new relationships as you get older is a whole new ball game. Not sure if you have noticed but as you have gotten older, you have gotten wiser, more confident in yourself, become more comfortable in your own skin perhaps? This person making new connections today will do things differently than they did 10, 20, 30 years ago for example. One thing I know for sure you will only connect with someone who you want to be connected to, who is supportive, gives and takes and enjoys you for you. Gone are the days of trying to please someone else to the detriment of yourself, to impress someone, to try and be someone you are not. You are great being you and new people in your life only get the real version. Plus as human beings we never lose that need to be connected to someone else but it is possible to give up trying, to be too tired, to procrastinate. You may not need as many friends as the next person and that is OK too. The number isn't important, the connection is.

8) Laughter makes us happy in the moment.
Growing up in Newfoundland it sometimes felt like a contest. Still does. Who can make the other person laugh harder? Not a bad contest. Who can make a whole table full of people laugh out loud, cry, pee in their pants, shoot tea, or what ever liquid they are drinking at the time, through their nose due to laughing hard? Never a dull moment. Making people smile is a provincial past time and I am proud to come from that culture, that heritage. Smiling, laughing makes you feel good.  Try it if you haven't done it in a while. Or better yet, try making someone else laugh. That makes me happier than laughing myself sometimes.

Caregiving

You are not alone.

Six Aspects of Caregiving 

http://www.extension.org/pages/63153/caregiving-101#.Uq4SRvRDtLs

#1 Emotional Impact of Caregiving

Each caregiving situation is different. Many caregivers report moments of feeling overwhelmed by worry or emotions. At times, you may find yourself experiencing the following emotions:

• Anxiety—wondering how you will continue handling everything, such as addressing finances, running the household, and caring for your warrior and other family members
• Hopelessness or abandonment—feeling that no one else can possibly understand what you are going through
• Fear—wondering what the future holds, whether your situation is temporary or permanent
• Guilt—knowing that you are not the person who has a complex medical condition or disability yet finding that your life has changed radically as well
• Inadequacy—having concerns that you lack the knowledge or skills to give the care your family member needs and not knowing where to go for answers

Remember: Seek immediate professional help if you have thoughts or feelings of death or suicide.

#2 Coping Strategies

Learning to identify emotions and new ways to cope can lead to a healthier relationship and lifestyle for you and your warrior. Recognize and take control of your emotions!

• Establish a regular routine.
• Get plenty of sleep and rest.
• Talk about your feelings.
• Give yourself permission to cry.
• Look for humor in caregiving moments. It’s important to be able to laugh, even when moments can be heartbreaking.
• Connect with family and friends.
• Find ways to take breaks from caregiving.
• Join a support group. Meet others who may be in similar caregiving situations.
• Seek spiritual healing.

#3 Caring for Caregivers

To continue giving care to your warrior, you must be kind to yourself. Being a caregiver does not mean doing everything yourself, or doing things alone. Consider the following tips for staying healthy:

• Attend regular medical checkups.
• Take your medications.
• Eat healthful foods.
• Exercise.
• Take time to relax.
• Set goals (have realistic expectations of yourself and your warrior).
• Change negative self-talk to positive self-talk.
• Acknowledge how you feel.
• Allow others to help you.
• Learn more about managing finances.
• Be open to new technologies.
• Learn about military and community resources for family/caregiver support through a Soldier and Family Assistance Center (SFAC).
• Use resources available to you (for example, eXtension, National Resource Directory).

#4 Essence of Communication

Caregiving demands can make balancing other roles—such as husband, wife, partner, or parent—difficult. According to the Journal of Pain and Palliative Care Pharmacotherapy,communication is significant to your long-term relationship with your family member (NAC, 2008).

• Allow each other to talk about what you are feeling.
• Talk about strategies you each use to cope with overwhelming emotions.
• Identify topics that are stressful for you.
• Try to not judge each other.
• Discuss issues of intimacy.
• Talk with a counselor or clergy member.
• Protect your time together.
• Talk about hopes you each have for the future.

#5 Communicating with Health Care Providers

Medical appointments can be stressful. It is important to learn about your warrior’s medical conditions and understand the information you receive. Preparing for an appointment ahead of time can help you, your family member, and his or her health care providers obtain important information you each need.

• Jot down key questions or points you want to discuss with the doctor.
• Keep a folder of your family member’s medical information. Bring it to each visit.
• Talk to the doctor or nurse case manager about your worries.
• Report any major change you observe in your family member’s symptoms, mood, abilities, or daily activities.
• Take notes during medical visits.
• Meet with your service member’s Warrior Transition, Triad of Care, or health care team to discuss next steps in the Comprehensive Transition Plan (CTP) or care plan.

#6 Asking for HELP!

Some people believe that asking for help means they are somehow falling short of caregiving responsibilities (Cleland, Schmall, Sturdevant, 2000). You may feel that you are alone in your duties and that no one else understands. Asking for help is not easy but may be the best way for you to stay healthy and continue giving care. Also, your family member may feel less guilty accepting your help if you allow others to do things that require specific skills or free up some of your time (NAC, 2008). Help others understand by letting them know what they can do to help and how often you want their assistance.

Be honest about what you can and cannot do. Think about everything you do each day. What tasks can other people do to free up some of your time or to ease your workload? Don’t wait any longer. Ask for help now! What can others do to make your life a little easier?

• Fix a meal.
• Clean.
• Run errands.
• Do yard work.
• Provide child care.
• Help with finances.
• Drive family members to appointments (for example, doctor visits).
• Give you opportunities to talk or share feelings.

Military Spouse Veteran

"Military-spouse veterans take care of the sick and injured. More and more service members are returning home wounded. Their injuries are physical and emotional, and no one knows this better than the spouses. The military has a commitment to care for our wounded veterans, but it is the spouse who shoulders most of the responsibility. They are the ones who are waiting in hospital and rehab hallways or relocating their families to be closer to better care. Long after Uncle Sam has done what he can to get these service members back to better health, the spouses will live with the aftermath on a daily basis. They rise to the challenge of new responsibilities as nurse, advocate and counselor."
This article struck an obvious chord with me. I also think the effects of being responsible for all of this should be uncovered, in the open. I am changed. I know he is too, permanently in some ways. We both have changed. It has affected our son, his recent school project includes that time, that date, when everything turned upside down. I was talking with friends, and someone asked (like they have before, I love my friends), "how did you do all that?" I only have one answer "You just do it". With the support of our families and friends, the Forces and the close bonds we made with so many people, they got us through. You got us through. I went back to work to a soft spot to land, a lifesaver actually. I am not sure what I would have done without them, without our friends, without them lifting us up. My in-laws were there for me, and I for them.
Today there are still good days and bad days. Many more good days for sure but the effects from 5 years ago are lasting and new ones crop up. But the positive events bring me back to where I see a future, the laughter, the crying, the anxiety are all a part of my day to day, I have accepted my lot in life. I am married to a true survivor, a fighter, a champion of what the human spirit can achieve in the darkest of times. I have a son who makes us laugh daily, who is intelligent and kind and loves his family and friends. I am not where I thought I would be in life at this age.
I had, in my teens, hoped for a life of success in the medical world, a doc or forensic scientist, not married, no kids, travelling whenever I wanted with an amazing group of friends to share my life with and a man, or two or three.... Funny how I thought that would be a life of success. The meaning of success holds more water now. Married for 19 years, together 22, moved all over Canada and saw most of this country in ways I never imagined, taught thousands of students in the subjects I dearly love, worked with amazing human beings and made hundreds, yes hundreds, of good friends, and had a boy who makes me feel pride and joy daily. That is success, that is happiness. We have families and friends who love us and accept us and I am grateful.
I have heard so many stories over those 22 years, and in the past 5 especially, that it is easy to answer the author's question. Our story is one of many and many stories have made me weep, alone. So I have to end by answering her question "Yes military spouses are veterans too".
http://bangordailynews.com/2013/11/10/living/are-military-spouses-veterans-too/?ref=relatedBox

I have been finding over the years that the best conversations I have with my family and my friends can happen in the strangest of places. Do you find that too? With a captive audience in the car my son and I have had funny poignant chats as well as arguements/discussions about politics, science, relationships and silly topics too.
It happened again on the weekend and one thing I learned about these important moments - don't let one pass you by. It was a great conversation, too personal to share, but I was so glad afterwards that I knew enough to pay attention.

Distracted Living is a new term to me but not an unfamiliar one. I know I have been guilty of this and I have a son who will ask me in the moment "Mom, can you just listen to me?". When he says that I drop everything I am distracted by and listen. No parent is perfect but living in the moment is a life lesson my child has taught me and I am grateful. I have also learned over the years "you are nothing without your health" and this lesson also helps me to live more in the moment. I am trying to lead a less distracted life in this technological age, maybe it's the reason I have refused to upgrade my cell phone these past two years. The irony is that it is my son, and hubby, who have tried to get me an upgrade. Somehow he, not my hubby, has learned to embrace technology without sacrificing living in the moment. How did he get so smart? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-meer/distracted-living_b_4059857.html?ir=Canada

Check point

Been a rougher 2 weeks for me. And mainly due to catching a virus that took my voice and my breath away. Jason took care of me and got me to emerg, thank goodness he was thinking. But I think having trouble breathing was so scary that I could not think. It took a while to get better too. Feeling a lot better now.

Before I got sick I had a visit from Sherry which was amazing, too short, but amazing! I wish she was closer to me. Spending time with her grounds me, I feel more of being me. Hard to explain but anyone who has a best friend knows what I am talking about. Plus they know everything about you so you do not have to explain everything all the time.

The smaller things have been bugging me lately and I am not quite sure due to the huge build up of big things and then having to slog through those things and deal with them that I am tired. Tired of fighting, running, advocating, dealing, treading water, ranting and raving. Tired of the BS, the fake, the blade, the unreal. It has caught up to me and I have put plans in place to deal with that and recharge and re-energize myself.  Surrounding myself with great friends, talking more (yes I said it) will lead to better days as well.

It is actual work for me to relax and enjoy myself which is an odd thing to put on paper but if you have ever reached max critical stress, again, you know what I am talking about. So I will build it into my schedule and eventually it will become a habit, a good healthy habit for me. You cannot have enough of those in your life.

So tomorrow is a holiday and Jacob and I will spend it with family and friends and enjoy every minute! I salute my country and good habits!

A shout out to families who will not be with their loved ones this weekend. I hope you find a way to enjoy tomorrow, tolerate tomorrow, somehow have a good day tomorrow in some small way.

social media is my voice

Fighting for Jason's health care wasn't easy but I love a good challenge. But after taking care of every nuance was not difficult in that I wanted him to get the best possible care. The irony of all that was that I am blind to my own health when it is needed. I make sure I get my exercise, I watch what I eat, and when I suddenly loose my voice (that in itself is scary for someone like me) and then find it hard to breathe it is Jason who stands and says " am I taking you to the hospital or calling an ambulance?" Meanwhile I had not thought of either choice. Duh.

At least I can FB, tweet, and blog so there is always another way to have a voice, thank goodness.