Living an authentic life is all the rage - through Oprah's shows with Gary Zukav, Brene Brown, the list goes on. Ever since I moved off the island I have heard all sorts of comments and stories. "We love Newfoundlanders!", "I love your accent" and "Newfoundlanders are the nicest people" for example. As time went on and we moved from province to province or territory and from city to city I grew older with a great appreciation for going "home" once a year. Something my hubby and I were both drawn to do after we got married and even more so after we had our baby.

Being connected to our family and friends on the rock wasn't just a choice, it was a requirement in order to breathe again, relax and rejuvenate and of course reconnect with our upbringing, our selves. And these days I realize Newfoundlanders have been born and bred in authenticity. we are our authentic selves. Now there may be outliers but I don't remember having too many fake conversations, or being witness to fakeness. People are self confident, with healthy self esteem and they speak the truth. Home.

The fact that this article caught my eye and I had to read it reminded me that this is not the direction I thought my life would take, I had not anticipated after 14 years of marriage that my hubby would go through such a traumatic event, that our family and friends would too. I had not anticipated the fight but I imagined the comeback. The successes, the joy. Not every day is easy, and on any given day one or two or all 3 of us have a difficult day but we get through it together. Thinking about this adventure together, it is the glue between the three of us and all of the support that surrounds us that lifts us up. It's not just about surviving now, it's about living.

Last night I was happily surprised (again) about Jason's recovery in this journey. And it never really hit me until this morning. Crying in the bathroom quietly I fully realized that he was there for me in a way I hadn't heard in almost 6 years. We were talking about things and he was actively listening, supporting me, came and sat by me and was fully there, backing me up. I took this for granted for 17 years. Never again.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/organ-donation-after-cardiac-death-1.2577269

Coordination of Medical and Dental Benefits

Procrastination can only go on for so long when you have to bite the bullet, sit down, and wade through paperwork. I have had the medical and dental claims out to do so many times but whenever I started I managed to find something that was missing or had to be scanned or had to be signed etc, meaning every excuse in the book not to get it done. Last weekend when I thought this was it, it was going to be now or never, I noticed a mistake made by a front office and had to get that fixed during this past week. With that done I had no excuses today.

What used to be only a slightly painful exercise before hubby retired is now a bigger pain due to the extra steps to coordinate benefits now that his dental company has changed from being the same as mine to another. Also as my birthday is the last day of the year and Jason's is much earlier Jacob's benefits have to go through his first then mine and when Jacob and I always had our paperwork combined and the companies were the same it was easy peasey. Now? Not so much.

I know how lucky we are to have medical and dental insurance. Believe me I know. But the mounds of copies and original receipts stuffed into 3 envelopes to be mailed tomorrow tells me that there must be an easier way. It did not help matters (well it did but I was ticked) that Jason discovered our health professional can submit claims directly. The same front office hadn't bothered to tell me the past 5 years I have been visiting them (AKA paying them copious dollars for service). So when I asked why I wasn't told before they weren't sure. But it could happen in the future, I just have to deal with the mounds of paper this month. I will hopefully be OK next time round (a reduced amount of pain anyway).

So there's my rant for today. First world problems (Jacob keeps telling me). Perspective is back and I am headed off to get a cup of tea and a bickie.

2013-14

Another year has gone by, another year has been added on, Happy Birthday to me. What happened in 2013?

We went from being a military family to a civilian, veteran family. Jason retired after 25 years of service. Proud is not the word!

Jacob finished Grade 9 and entered Grade 10! Not just a smart kid but a caring loving respectful teenager. Who knew we could raise such an amazing individual? Must be the great genetics of the Rowe-Vaters amalgamation!

I had the pleasure of watching Jason finish 2 semesters at school this year, watching Jacob enter Grade 10. My nephews got as year older and cuter. I held two of the sweetest babies in my arms. I got to toast an amazing friend who brought an amazing man into her life and happiness grew. I had my parents and in-laws in my life. Gratefulness.

I had a medical scare myself this year and it opened my eyes again. Another gift. What is important? Health, family, friends.

We visited with family and friends all year long. A priority for our family, this tradition will carry into 2014. It is what soothes my soul, brings peace and a feeling of awe every time we are surrounded by the happiness of such important people in our life.

Laughter has been the best medicine in my life. Hearing a joke or sarcastic witty remark that makes me laugh from my core of my stomach, that is joy. try reading Kelly Oxford new book or her Twitter feed, it will make you LOL. Listen to Keith O tell a story. Sit in a room full of Newfies and the banter will begin. Find a small town and you will find the funny.

I hope that 2014 brings you love, laughter and friendship.

Things I have Learned

My birthday is approaching again and I am grateful for every one that I get but I thought about what have I learned so far in all of these years. I saw an article from a woman describing what she has learned in her time here and I thought I would try it out. Here it goes.

1) Love. Someone. Deeply.
I am talking about a reciprocal relationship where you feel it as much as they do. Not unrequited love. Not waiting for someone to notice you. Be noticed. Tell someone. Throw off the cape of fear and reveal your feelings if you haven't done so ever.

2) You only have this one round.
Totally related to everything I will write here but you only have one life, live it. Make it yours, not someone else's to control. Nobody knows how much time they have, that's why life is so precious. So do it. What have you been thinking about doing, saying, trying that you have not gotten to yet? Maybe 2014 is the year to branch out and try something new or return to something in your past that was positive, creative, made you feel like yourself.

3) You are nothing without your health.
Also related to everything. Take care of yourself. See a doc and dentist if you can, get a check up, don't be afraid to have something checked. Be your own health advocate because if you aren't it, who is going to be?

4) Be grateful for who you have in your life that makes your life living better.
Your family and friends are your support system, your reality check, your source for much laughter. Revel in it when you can. Spend time with them when you can and live in those moments. Make memories.

5) Love what you do.
If you hate your job, find yourself dreading driving to work, are exhausted, in a bad way, at the end of the day - consider a new job. Start looking at see what's out there. Go back to school, start your own business, try some of these ideas before you leave work (I do not want anyone in financial distress) or try to renew and rejuvenate what you do at work. See what other options lie in your job (new position, new approach...). Make it yours if you loved it once.

6) Learn. Be open to something new.
Reading, researching, hearing and discussing new perspectives can open you up to all sorts of new ideas.

7) Connect.
Yes, you have family and friends but are you done? Making new connections, new friendships, new relationships as you get older is a whole new ball game. Not sure if you have noticed but as you have gotten older, you have gotten wiser, more confident in yourself, become more comfortable in your own skin perhaps? This person making new connections today will do things differently than they did 10, 20, 30 years ago for example. One thing I know for sure you will only connect with someone who you want to be connected to, who is supportive, gives and takes and enjoys you for you. Gone are the days of trying to please someone else to the detriment of yourself, to impress someone, to try and be someone you are not. You are great being you and new people in your life only get the real version. Plus as human beings we never lose that need to be connected to someone else but it is possible to give up trying, to be too tired, to procrastinate. You may not need as many friends as the next person and that is OK too. The number isn't important, the connection is.

8) Laughter makes us happy in the moment.
Growing up in Newfoundland it sometimes felt like a contest. Still does. Who can make the other person laugh harder? Not a bad contest. Who can make a whole table full of people laugh out loud, cry, pee in their pants, shoot tea, or what ever liquid they are drinking at the time, through their nose due to laughing hard? Never a dull moment. Making people smile is a provincial past time and I am proud to come from that culture, that heritage. Smiling, laughing makes you feel good.  Try it if you haven't done it in a while. Or better yet, try making someone else laugh. That makes me happier than laughing myself sometimes.

Caregiving

You are not alone.

Six Aspects of Caregiving 

http://www.extension.org/pages/63153/caregiving-101#.Uq4SRvRDtLs

#1 Emotional Impact of Caregiving

Each caregiving situation is different. Many caregivers report moments of feeling overwhelmed by worry or emotions. At times, you may find yourself experiencing the following emotions:

• Anxiety—wondering how you will continue handling everything, such as addressing finances, running the household, and caring for your warrior and other family members
• Hopelessness or abandonment—feeling that no one else can possibly understand what you are going through
• Fear—wondering what the future holds, whether your situation is temporary or permanent
• Guilt—knowing that you are not the person who has a complex medical condition or disability yet finding that your life has changed radically as well
• Inadequacy—having concerns that you lack the knowledge or skills to give the care your family member needs and not knowing where to go for answers

Remember: Seek immediate professional help if you have thoughts or feelings of death or suicide.

#2 Coping Strategies

Learning to identify emotions and new ways to cope can lead to a healthier relationship and lifestyle for you and your warrior. Recognize and take control of your emotions!

• Establish a regular routine.
• Get plenty of sleep and rest.
• Talk about your feelings.
• Give yourself permission to cry.
• Look for humor in caregiving moments. It’s important to be able to laugh, even when moments can be heartbreaking.
• Connect with family and friends.
• Find ways to take breaks from caregiving.
• Join a support group. Meet others who may be in similar caregiving situations.
• Seek spiritual healing.

#3 Caring for Caregivers

To continue giving care to your warrior, you must be kind to yourself. Being a caregiver does not mean doing everything yourself, or doing things alone. Consider the following tips for staying healthy:

• Attend regular medical checkups.
• Take your medications.
• Eat healthful foods.
• Exercise.
• Take time to relax.
• Set goals (have realistic expectations of yourself and your warrior).
• Change negative self-talk to positive self-talk.
• Acknowledge how you feel.
• Allow others to help you.
• Learn more about managing finances.
• Be open to new technologies.
• Learn about military and community resources for family/caregiver support through a Soldier and Family Assistance Center (SFAC).
• Use resources available to you (for example, eXtension, National Resource Directory).

#4 Essence of Communication

Caregiving demands can make balancing other roles—such as husband, wife, partner, or parent—difficult. According to the Journal of Pain and Palliative Care Pharmacotherapy,communication is significant to your long-term relationship with your family member (NAC, 2008).

• Allow each other to talk about what you are feeling.
• Talk about strategies you each use to cope with overwhelming emotions.
• Identify topics that are stressful for you.
• Try to not judge each other.
• Discuss issues of intimacy.
• Talk with a counselor or clergy member.
• Protect your time together.
• Talk about hopes you each have for the future.

#5 Communicating with Health Care Providers

Medical appointments can be stressful. It is important to learn about your warrior’s medical conditions and understand the information you receive. Preparing for an appointment ahead of time can help you, your family member, and his or her health care providers obtain important information you each need.

• Jot down key questions or points you want to discuss with the doctor.
• Keep a folder of your family member’s medical information. Bring it to each visit.
• Talk to the doctor or nurse case manager about your worries.
• Report any major change you observe in your family member’s symptoms, mood, abilities, or daily activities.
• Take notes during medical visits.
• Meet with your service member’s Warrior Transition, Triad of Care, or health care team to discuss next steps in the Comprehensive Transition Plan (CTP) or care plan.

#6 Asking for HELP!

Some people believe that asking for help means they are somehow falling short of caregiving responsibilities (Cleland, Schmall, Sturdevant, 2000). You may feel that you are alone in your duties and that no one else understands. Asking for help is not easy but may be the best way for you to stay healthy and continue giving care. Also, your family member may feel less guilty accepting your help if you allow others to do things that require specific skills or free up some of your time (NAC, 2008). Help others understand by letting them know what they can do to help and how often you want their assistance.

Be honest about what you can and cannot do. Think about everything you do each day. What tasks can other people do to free up some of your time or to ease your workload? Don’t wait any longer. Ask for help now! What can others do to make your life a little easier?

• Fix a meal.
• Clean.
• Run errands.
• Do yard work.
• Provide child care.
• Help with finances.
• Drive family members to appointments (for example, doctor visits).
• Give you opportunities to talk or share feelings.

Military Spouse Veteran

"Military-spouse veterans take care of the sick and injured. More and more service members are returning home wounded. Their injuries are physical and emotional, and no one knows this better than the spouses. The military has a commitment to care for our wounded veterans, but it is the spouse who shoulders most of the responsibility. They are the ones who are waiting in hospital and rehab hallways or relocating their families to be closer to better care. Long after Uncle Sam has done what he can to get these service members back to better health, the spouses will live with the aftermath on a daily basis. They rise to the challenge of new responsibilities as nurse, advocate and counselor."
This article struck an obvious chord with me. I also think the effects of being responsible for all of this should be uncovered, in the open. I am changed. I know he is too, permanently in some ways. We both have changed. It has affected our son, his recent school project includes that time, that date, when everything turned upside down. I was talking with friends, and someone asked (like they have before, I love my friends), "how did you do all that?" I only have one answer "You just do it". With the support of our families and friends, the Forces and the close bonds we made with so many people, they got us through. You got us through. I went back to work to a soft spot to land, a lifesaver actually. I am not sure what I would have done without them, without our friends, without them lifting us up. My in-laws were there for me, and I for them.
Today there are still good days and bad days. Many more good days for sure but the effects from 5 years ago are lasting and new ones crop up. But the positive events bring me back to where I see a future, the laughter, the crying, the anxiety are all a part of my day to day, I have accepted my lot in life. I am married to a true survivor, a fighter, a champion of what the human spirit can achieve in the darkest of times. I have a son who makes us laugh daily, who is intelligent and kind and loves his family and friends. I am not where I thought I would be in life at this age.
I had, in my teens, hoped for a life of success in the medical world, a doc or forensic scientist, not married, no kids, travelling whenever I wanted with an amazing group of friends to share my life with and a man, or two or three.... Funny how I thought that would be a life of success. The meaning of success holds more water now. Married for 19 years, together 22, moved all over Canada and saw most of this country in ways I never imagined, taught thousands of students in the subjects I dearly love, worked with amazing human beings and made hundreds, yes hundreds, of good friends, and had a boy who makes me feel pride and joy daily. That is success, that is happiness. We have families and friends who love us and accept us and I am grateful.
I have heard so many stories over those 22 years, and in the past 5 especially, that it is easy to answer the author's question. Our story is one of many and many stories have made me weep, alone. So I have to end by answering her question "Yes military spouses are veterans too".
http://bangordailynews.com/2013/11/10/living/are-military-spouses-veterans-too/?ref=relatedBox