Moving forward

God, this has been a crazy week. I have to write. I have to give voice to the realizations from this week. Learning through the chaos, the tragedy is the only way I know how to move forward. I have cried, I have sat in shock. Crying and dwelling does nothing for me personally in moving forward. Action does move me forward.

My family and I have had discussions. We visited the Memorial and were moved by the quiet, the gentleman who kissed the monument, the gentle politeness, the communal grief shared amongst us. We donated money in the name of the families and I want to donate more.

Writing has allowed me to ease the sorrow. What have you been feeling? Doing to move forward?

When the books fall off the shelf......

I believe the "books started to fall off the shelf" for me the day my husband dropped dead at work (he was a soldier in the military at the time). His 5 co-workers saved his life that day with CPR and doctors and nurses saved it again and again. My life was saved that day by experiencing this traumatic event. My heart broke open and I woke up. We had an amazing life and family life leading up to this day but after that day I felt like I was now really living. I now know what is truly important to the core of myself. My husband survived a massive cardiac arrest. a subsequent brain injury with the help of our family, our friends and our military community.

My husband, son and I dared greatly and thrived over time with this experience. My husband medically released from the military last year and just graduated with IT tech diploma and will return to school in the fall to do a IT security diploma. My son is now a 16 year old with a wise brain and loving heart. After taking care of my husband that first year after his heart attack, I went looking for a job. The book fell off the shelf - I got a job at Military Family Services helping other military families (the goal I set for myself in the hospital) and have to continued to work for military members and their families through the good and tough times in their lives.

I am grateful for this learning, post traumatic growth.

Living an authentic life is all the rage - through Oprah's shows with Gary Zukav, Brene Brown, the list goes on. Ever since I moved off the island I have heard all sorts of comments and stories. "We love Newfoundlanders!", "I love your accent" and "Newfoundlanders are the nicest people" for example. As time went on and we moved from province to province or territory and from city to city I grew older with a great appreciation for going "home" once a year. Something my hubby and I were both drawn to do after we got married and even more so after we had our baby.

Being connected to our family and friends on the rock wasn't just a choice, it was a requirement in order to breathe again, relax and rejuvenate and of course reconnect with our upbringing, our selves. And these days I realize Newfoundlanders have been born and bred in authenticity. we are our authentic selves. Now there may be outliers but I don't remember having too many fake conversations, or being witness to fakeness. People are self confident, with healthy self esteem and they speak the truth. Home.

The fact that this article caught my eye and I had to read it reminded me that this is not the direction I thought my life would take, I had not anticipated after 14 years of marriage that my hubby would go through such a traumatic event, that our family and friends would too. I had not anticipated the fight but I imagined the comeback. The successes, the joy. Not every day is easy, and on any given day one or two or all 3 of us have a difficult day but we get through it together. Thinking about this adventure together, it is the glue between the three of us and all of the support that surrounds us that lifts us up. It's not just about surviving now, it's about living.

Last night I was happily surprised (again) about Jason's recovery in this journey. And it never really hit me until this morning. Crying in the bathroom quietly I fully realized that he was there for me in a way I hadn't heard in almost 6 years. We were talking about things and he was actively listening, supporting me, came and sat by me and was fully there, backing me up. I took this for granted for 17 years. Never again.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/organ-donation-after-cardiac-death-1.2577269

Coordination of Medical and Dental Benefits

Procrastination can only go on for so long when you have to bite the bullet, sit down, and wade through paperwork. I have had the medical and dental claims out to do so many times but whenever I started I managed to find something that was missing or had to be scanned or had to be signed etc, meaning every excuse in the book not to get it done. Last weekend when I thought this was it, it was going to be now or never, I noticed a mistake made by a front office and had to get that fixed during this past week. With that done I had no excuses today.

What used to be only a slightly painful exercise before hubby retired is now a bigger pain due to the extra steps to coordinate benefits now that his dental company has changed from being the same as mine to another. Also as my birthday is the last day of the year and Jason's is much earlier Jacob's benefits have to go through his first then mine and when Jacob and I always had our paperwork combined and the companies were the same it was easy peasey. Now? Not so much.

I know how lucky we are to have medical and dental insurance. Believe me I know. But the mounds of copies and original receipts stuffed into 3 envelopes to be mailed tomorrow tells me that there must be an easier way. It did not help matters (well it did but I was ticked) that Jason discovered our health professional can submit claims directly. The same front office hadn't bothered to tell me the past 5 years I have been visiting them (AKA paying them copious dollars for service). So when I asked why I wasn't told before they weren't sure. But it could happen in the future, I just have to deal with the mounds of paper this month. I will hopefully be OK next time round (a reduced amount of pain anyway).

So there's my rant for today. First world problems (Jacob keeps telling me). Perspective is back and I am headed off to get a cup of tea and a bickie.

2013-14

Another year has gone by, another year has been added on, Happy Birthday to me. What happened in 2013?

We went from being a military family to a civilian, veteran family. Jason retired after 25 years of service. Proud is not the word!

Jacob finished Grade 9 and entered Grade 10! Not just a smart kid but a caring loving respectful teenager. Who knew we could raise such an amazing individual? Must be the great genetics of the Rowe-Vaters amalgamation!

I had the pleasure of watching Jason finish 2 semesters at school this year, watching Jacob enter Grade 10. My nephews got as year older and cuter. I held two of the sweetest babies in my arms. I got to toast an amazing friend who brought an amazing man into her life and happiness grew. I had my parents and in-laws in my life. Gratefulness.

I had a medical scare myself this year and it opened my eyes again. Another gift. What is important? Health, family, friends.

We visited with family and friends all year long. A priority for our family, this tradition will carry into 2014. It is what soothes my soul, brings peace and a feeling of awe every time we are surrounded by the happiness of such important people in our life.

Laughter has been the best medicine in my life. Hearing a joke or sarcastic witty remark that makes me laugh from my core of my stomach, that is joy. try reading Kelly Oxford new book or her Twitter feed, it will make you LOL. Listen to Keith O tell a story. Sit in a room full of Newfies and the banter will begin. Find a small town and you will find the funny.

I hope that 2014 brings you love, laughter and friendship.

Things I have Learned

My birthday is approaching again and I am grateful for every one that I get but I thought about what have I learned so far in all of these years. I saw an article from a woman describing what she has learned in her time here and I thought I would try it out. Here it goes.

1) Love. Someone. Deeply.
I am talking about a reciprocal relationship where you feel it as much as they do. Not unrequited love. Not waiting for someone to notice you. Be noticed. Tell someone. Throw off the cape of fear and reveal your feelings if you haven't done so ever.

2) You only have this one round.
Totally related to everything I will write here but you only have one life, live it. Make it yours, not someone else's to control. Nobody knows how much time they have, that's why life is so precious. So do it. What have you been thinking about doing, saying, trying that you have not gotten to yet? Maybe 2014 is the year to branch out and try something new or return to something in your past that was positive, creative, made you feel like yourself.

3) You are nothing without your health.
Also related to everything. Take care of yourself. See a doc and dentist if you can, get a check up, don't be afraid to have something checked. Be your own health advocate because if you aren't it, who is going to be?

4) Be grateful for who you have in your life that makes your life living better.
Your family and friends are your support system, your reality check, your source for much laughter. Revel in it when you can. Spend time with them when you can and live in those moments. Make memories.

5) Love what you do.
If you hate your job, find yourself dreading driving to work, are exhausted, in a bad way, at the end of the day - consider a new job. Start looking at see what's out there. Go back to school, start your own business, try some of these ideas before you leave work (I do not want anyone in financial distress) or try to renew and rejuvenate what you do at work. See what other options lie in your job (new position, new approach...). Make it yours if you loved it once.

6) Learn. Be open to something new.
Reading, researching, hearing and discussing new perspectives can open you up to all sorts of new ideas.

7) Connect.
Yes, you have family and friends but are you done? Making new connections, new friendships, new relationships as you get older is a whole new ball game. Not sure if you have noticed but as you have gotten older, you have gotten wiser, more confident in yourself, become more comfortable in your own skin perhaps? This person making new connections today will do things differently than they did 10, 20, 30 years ago for example. One thing I know for sure you will only connect with someone who you want to be connected to, who is supportive, gives and takes and enjoys you for you. Gone are the days of trying to please someone else to the detriment of yourself, to impress someone, to try and be someone you are not. You are great being you and new people in your life only get the real version. Plus as human beings we never lose that need to be connected to someone else but it is possible to give up trying, to be too tired, to procrastinate. You may not need as many friends as the next person and that is OK too. The number isn't important, the connection is.

8) Laughter makes us happy in the moment.
Growing up in Newfoundland it sometimes felt like a contest. Still does. Who can make the other person laugh harder? Not a bad contest. Who can make a whole table full of people laugh out loud, cry, pee in their pants, shoot tea, or what ever liquid they are drinking at the time, through their nose due to laughing hard? Never a dull moment. Making people smile is a provincial past time and I am proud to come from that culture, that heritage. Smiling, laughing makes you feel good.  Try it if you haven't done it in a while. Or better yet, try making someone else laugh. That makes me happier than laughing myself sometimes.