Royal Alex Hospital

I phoned the Royal Alex Hospital in Edmonton today and I asked for any of the nurses Jason had when we were there in 2008. A nurse kindly told me that Matthew, a nurse we held in high regard and who we all got close too in those 4 weeks at the CCU, was coming on his shift in an hour. So I called back. At first when I introduced myself he wasn't remembering me but when I mentioned Jason and the military he remembered. He asked me first if Jason was OK and I said yes and he quickly told me he had goosebumps. I gave him the Coles notes version of our life right up to the ICD implant and Matthew was so happy. He couldn't wait to tell his manager and the other nurses. He told me it was the best news he had had in the past 3 months. He thanked me for calling and I thanked him and the staff for all of their care back in 2008. I remembered that Matthew had told me that the staff at the CCU never get to hear the good stories. People who happily go home go about their lives and forget to give updates to the staff so that was my goal today. For the most part the CCU nurses see the details of pain and then death and how it affects the families, they sometimes need reminding why they do what they do, one good story can erase 3 months of loss in an intensive care unit. That's why I called today.

Love and Support

The love and support of our families and friends are what gets me through some of the toughest days I have gone through. Being in that hospital yesterday and having 2 very dear sweet loving friends show up and surprise me touched me to my core. Their hugs and their smiles lifted me up. Especially since they have a lot going on their own lives. My work family showed up at the hospital main doors to take me away and we had a delicious lunch and great conversation which I really needed. The calls, emails, the chats all made yesterday a better day. Thank you. Thank you for your positive thoughts, your caring loving support, thank you.
Jason and I talked about all of the support we have received since the beginning of all this, and it is happily overwhelming. We are truly blessed by the people in our lives.

Reminders

I have had some really wierd reminders of what went on the day of Jason's heart attack and I have let a lot of them go. I have gotten rid of certain clothes or items I used during my stay in Edmonton. There are still some lagging ones such as the mini speaker sysytem I bought for his IPOD so he could listen to Stan Rogers and his books on tape during the day in the hospital. I was trying to play what he liked and let him know when it was day or night. Now he still uses that so I don't think I can just up and throw that out. Well, I could but it would not be pretty, ha. My cousin D sent him tons of huge photos of family, friends, himself, images which we used to decorate his room walls. I have some of them in my cubicle at work, irony at its best, but they are happy reminders so I am OK with that.
When I arrived in Edmonton and looked at what I had packed in Yellowknife - I did not have many things, nor did they make much sense. So I had to buy some stuff - socks, underwear, brush, deodorant, etc and I also did not have any slippers packed. So at the nearest mall (across the road from the hotel room) Audrey and I bought our needed items and I bought a pair of green slip ons and used them as slippers. They were OK, they served their purpose but they weren't really comfortable. But I continued to wear them for the next 2 years. Why? Why didn't I leave them in Edmonton? Why did I wear not so comfortable shoes for 2 years? I felt like I was punishing myself but I did not know why. So I had a lighbulb moment just before Audrey and Roland got here that they were not travelling into 2011 with me. I did not wear them while they were here and I threw them out a few days ago.
How strange, I am sure Freud would have had a field day with me. It was like I did not want to let that time in Edmonton go, like I wanted to hang onto it. No more. Looking forward is still scary sometimes but it's what we should all be doing. Looking back is good for perspective but not for pain, grief, trauma. That time in YK and Edmonton bonded me to many people for life, a very good thing. I always appreciated Jason and Jacob and what we had together as a family but I smile a lot more when they aren't looking. I know who my friends are (and wouldn't you all like to know that, without something bad happening of course). Seeing army uniforms makes me so proud no matter who is in the uniform. I know I can push through.
Of course I am extra stressed at times, I get tense a lot, I think too much, I worry more but as time moves ahead I am trying to work on those things about myself that have been affected. I probably tell more white lies when people ask if I am OK. But sometimes I lay it on people and I know that is not what they wanted to hear. I still feel honesty comes first. I know I can be raw and sharp but I try not to be.
Jason gave me a beautiful Christmas card this year :
A wife is the one who shares each season of your life...
...she is the companion of your heart through everything life brings.
In the happy times we cherish,
in the hard times that we weather,
In the quiet, tender moments
that we spend alone together...
In all the times
of smiles and tears
that life can bring our way,
I'm grateful
you're beside me,
and I love you more
each day.

One time, he said that he knew why he was with me but he did not know why I was with him. Why are you with me? I think I replied " Idiot". I told him that I when I met him, I met my father and then I knew he was the one. Damn. He is kind, friendly to everyone, loving, smart and a good soul and would make a wonderful father. He was just like my Dad. I did not expect to meet the one at age 23 but that is Lana's and Dena's fault. Dena for having that party and Lana for taking me to that party. It's all their faults.

Christmas 2010 - a new beginning

Leading up to Christmas Jacob got his report card - he is doing so well in school! The day before Christmas break he came home with an 80+ on his last math test and he was worried because it wasn't in the 90's! Now secretly I was glad because this attitude will keep him in study/school mode but my Oscar winning performance included telling him that it was an awesome mark (it is especially for us mathemagicians (which is what Jason calls me)) and that as long as he knows where he went wrong then he learnt something and that is OK. I am so relieved that he is enjoying school and his friends there.

Audrey and Roland arrived on the 23rd and Christmas officially began for us. Jacob was so happy to see them, we all were. Audrey immediately had Jason take her to the mall (yes Roland went too) from the airport (we were both working that day) and I met them there for lunch - so nice! I did not have holidays to take but the way Christmas and New Year's fell it felt like a vacation. Over Christmas Audrey and I shopped, Roland fixed things around our house, we played games and cards, visited with lots of friends and family too. We all had a great Christmas eve with the Moores and a wonderful New Year's Eve with the Staggs (all the crowd!) - thank you Maggie for my birthday cake. Mom sent me a birthday cake which was delicious! Thank you Mom!

On my birthday my boss threw me a birthday breakfast and we all went to that - it was such a great day overall. After New Year's Audrey and I met up with Beryl and had a wonderful breakfast and conversation and then more shopping. I have her shopped out I think. ha

My in-laws are the best. People who complain about their in-laws are a mystery to me. Roland and Audrey put up with my antics and still love me unconditionally. Who could ask for more? Audrey cooked us moose stew for god sakes. We all wish they could have stayed longer but 2 weeks from home is hard, I know. We miss them already and we can't wait to see them again. Thank you Audrey and Roland for making our Christmas extra special this year. Seeing Jacob's smile and laughter when he was around you guys was a great Christmas present. He did things for them while they were here and wanted to be around them so much - it really warmed my heart and it could have made me cry if I thought about it too much. His realtionship with them and with Mom and Dad has been important to us since day one. Seeing it blossom over the years to what is soon becoming a teenage - grand parent relationship is one of the joys in life.

Loss and Love

How is one supposed to deal with the death of their child? We are expected to deal with life's occurences as they come at us, having our friend and family to support us through any mishap - tragic or not. But you can show me all the books, show me all the therapists but how does one accept the death of their baby? I consider myself a strong person. I thought I could handle anything. But maybe not. Maybe not. But life goes on regardless. The cruel day to day BS still exists despite losing one of the most important people in your life. People argue, there are idiots on the road and none of them value human life like you do. And your child is not there by your side. No more late night kisses as they sleep cosily int heir bed. No more silly laughs over a family running joke. No more I love you's whispered back and forth. Missing the arguements, the frantic hormones, the sauciness of a teen's vernacular.
My heart has felt like it has been bleeding since I got the news yesterday. It bleeds for her Mom and Dad, her brothers, the families and friends. Knowing that such a kind sweet loving person whom I have known now has to try and choke in the news that her daughter is gone makes me feel an ache, a pain for her and for everyone who has had the newd delivered. I know there are no answers to the why. We cannot hang onto life with fervor, it is a slippery slope that should be treated with grace and kindness, not treated with a middle finger in rush hour traffic. But even when you treat it with love and a gentle touch bad things still happen. They happen every day to someone. When it hits someone you know it affects you deeply, knowingly. All we can do is support the families, the parents, the brothers. Stand for them, hold them up when they fall to the ground in grief, they will feel your love and support, they will. When someone is not feeling strong inside other's strength acts as a makeshift spine, gives a backbone for them to lean on. Or at least hang on to for dear life.
Honour the memory, share memories, rejoce in the life they had. It was wonderous, too short but wonderous. But knowing her made you a better person. Knowing her was an honour, a priviledge. With your heart open, drive through that wall of grief one day at a time, slowly but surely.

Does everything have to come in 3's?

Late November - minor and I mean minor accident in parking lot, looks like it will cost $100, ends up costing us $1600. Not a minor bill. Jason backed into another truck after returning a movie to the local store. Broke the little pieces (2) that keep the license plate in the front bumper. That was it. The truck's whole front bumper had to be replaced in order to fix this. Moral of the story - do not hit any front bumper of any new truck.

Early December - Jason is turning left onto a street headed towards home for the evening. Light goes from gree, to yellow to red due to oncoming traffic. Jason has to make the left turn because he can legally engage the intersection in Ontario on a green and then make that turn if the light goes yellow or red (learned this during rehab). Jason goes to turn, white car flies out of nowhere, runs the complete red, hits Jason in the centre of the truck, pushes in bumper and scrapes down the side of his car and keeps going at 100 km/h (approx). Jason goes into shock, drives home. I warm him up, call the police, make him eat his supper and then back to the station we go to make a report. Apparently only if you are hurt or killed in a hit and run will someone actually go looking for the hit and runner. Our insurance will cover the damage and not increase our premiums. Jason put the truck in the auto shop for a week and now it looks great. We had to drive together for a few days, he got a ride to work with a friend for a few days - all is good and Jason was not hurt. That was a shock to my system that particular night but all is good.

Last weekend I am out running errands by myself, relaxing. Retail therapy is good for me. On my way home I have to stop at a local store for batteries for Jason. Dry clear day, I ahve to take a left into the store's parking lot. I wait for oncoming traffic to cease. I notice a silver car in the distance, she may have to stop for me because there is alot of traffic. When I look in my rear view again she is almost on top of me and when I realize she is coming fast and she is not going to stop I hear the screech of her tires and bang! She hit me pushing me forward. I got out to find out she hadn't even seen me and it's 50 km/h in that zone. I am upset for many reasons and she is a nice girl but where was she looking? My body starts to ache that night, it got so bad that I went for a massage Wednesday night and I will go for another next week. I saw the doctor and I took the car in for an assessment to the same body shop where Jason's truck was. I have some whiplash, should be good soon. I felt a bit better each day so far. My bak and neck and shoulder are still sore in spots but it is tolerable. Some scratching on my bumper and such so my car goes in next week for repair. Thank god for plastic bumpers!

I am done with accidents. I know I cannot control this but I am done. I just want to say that to the universe.

Last Thursday Jason and I are leaving for work and the front door lock breaks, I cannot get my key in it. Jacob is gone to school with a key that is useless. Thanks to BMR and Jason we have a new lock in place and we all realize we must have had a lemon of a lock put in 2 years ago because our old lock was never this smooth. Hmmmm. You learn new things as you go I guess.

Jason had a cardiologist appointment last week. I went there to discuss the whole difibrillator incident where his heart doc said he needed it and the electrophsyio guy couldn't understand why he needed it. I did not want Jas to have a surgery that wasn't necessary. A surgery where they will hve to stop his heart to test the darn thing. The last time his heart stopped I did not do so good. I didn't want to go through that or put Jason through the surgery (and the month of no driving after it) if it wasn't a need. Well it is a need. Everything got clarified in that meeting. In order to give Jason some insurance if his heart stops again then the defib would be needed. His heart is scarred and not working well due to the arrest 2 years ago and the doc said if it was him or his son who had Jason's medical issues he would do it. It may be able to give him another 40 years of life. Not one person has said that since Jason's heart attack. Not one. I wanted to kiss his doc right then and there but I kept myself in check. My heart leapt with joy instead of fear (which is what it usually does in these meetings). We may not get another 40 years, who knows how many we have, but he opened up the possiblity to me which was the first time in 2 years that I have had hope offered to me on a silver platter. Thank you doc for giving me back hope. I had hope the whole time Jason was in the hospital but as he progressed and came back to the living more and more doctors were telling me the realities of what our life may be and hope began to dissipate into those realities. But another lesson learned. Never give up on hope. It can pull you throught he darkest of days. I know some of you reading this see your religion in this way and I do respect that. I think I call it hope and some call it God. And that's OK.

Now that I have vented, a happier note. Jacob had a wonderful report card (progress report) and we went to the parent teacher meeting. We have one smart cookie of a son who is well liked and is doing awesome in school. Math wise - I will say it - a genius. My time to brag. His teachers all look like they stepped out of the school from Glee. Good looking, wonderful, well spoken, no Sue Sylvester present. Make no wonderful he loves school this year. Great staff and it was a good night for me and Jason - we heard how well Jacob was doing and we got to beam with pride. One teacher told us that sometimes while teaching a new idea she saw Jacob staring off and she figured he wasn't paying attention so she quizzed thinking she would catch him off guard. He answered her question correctly and she realized that even though he looked like he wasn't listening, he was! He takes after his father. Of course when one teacher said he was a little chatty at times (I told you how nice his teachers were) I told her I don't know where he gets that! ha

James Blunt - If Time Is All I Have (Live at 1 Mayfair)