Reminders

I have had some really wierd reminders of what went on the day of Jason's heart attack and I have let a lot of them go. I have gotten rid of certain clothes or items I used during my stay in Edmonton. There are still some lagging ones such as the mini speaker sysytem I bought for his IPOD so he could listen to Stan Rogers and his books on tape during the day in the hospital. I was trying to play what he liked and let him know when it was day or night. Now he still uses that so I don't think I can just up and throw that out. Well, I could but it would not be pretty, ha. My cousin D sent him tons of huge photos of family, friends, himself, images which we used to decorate his room walls. I have some of them in my cubicle at work, irony at its best, but they are happy reminders so I am OK with that.
When I arrived in Edmonton and looked at what I had packed in Yellowknife - I did not have many things, nor did they make much sense. So I had to buy some stuff - socks, underwear, brush, deodorant, etc and I also did not have any slippers packed. So at the nearest mall (across the road from the hotel room) Audrey and I bought our needed items and I bought a pair of green slip ons and used them as slippers. They were OK, they served their purpose but they weren't really comfortable. But I continued to wear them for the next 2 years. Why? Why didn't I leave them in Edmonton? Why did I wear not so comfortable shoes for 2 years? I felt like I was punishing myself but I did not know why. So I had a lighbulb moment just before Audrey and Roland got here that they were not travelling into 2011 with me. I did not wear them while they were here and I threw them out a few days ago.
How strange, I am sure Freud would have had a field day with me. It was like I did not want to let that time in Edmonton go, like I wanted to hang onto it. No more. Looking forward is still scary sometimes but it's what we should all be doing. Looking back is good for perspective but not for pain, grief, trauma. That time in YK and Edmonton bonded me to many people for life, a very good thing. I always appreciated Jason and Jacob and what we had together as a family but I smile a lot more when they aren't looking. I know who my friends are (and wouldn't you all like to know that, without something bad happening of course). Seeing army uniforms makes me so proud no matter who is in the uniform. I know I can push through.
Of course I am extra stressed at times, I get tense a lot, I think too much, I worry more but as time moves ahead I am trying to work on those things about myself that have been affected. I probably tell more white lies when people ask if I am OK. But sometimes I lay it on people and I know that is not what they wanted to hear. I still feel honesty comes first. I know I can be raw and sharp but I try not to be.
Jason gave me a beautiful Christmas card this year :
A wife is the one who shares each season of your life...
...she is the companion of your heart through everything life brings.
In the happy times we cherish,
in the hard times that we weather,
In the quiet, tender moments
that we spend alone together...
In all the times
of smiles and tears
that life can bring our way,
I'm grateful
you're beside me,
and I love you more
each day.

One time, he said that he knew why he was with me but he did not know why I was with him. Why are you with me? I think I replied " Idiot". I told him that I when I met him, I met my father and then I knew he was the one. Damn. He is kind, friendly to everyone, loving, smart and a good soul and would make a wonderful father. He was just like my Dad. I did not expect to meet the one at age 23 but that is Lana's and Dena's fault. Dena for having that party and Lana for taking me to that party. It's all their faults.