This song written by Dylan and sung by Adele on her CD "19" is amazing. It says all I want to say about Jason and about Jacob in one song.
Make You Feel My Love
When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong
I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging on the rollin' sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love
Bob Dylan
Copyright ©1997 Special Rider Music
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Settling in
I am starting to feel like I am settling in. Settling in to Ottawa, to our situation (which improves from day to day) and in to life. For a while I had put everything at a stand still. At first I thought it was an outside influence but no, it was me. I had suspended living, at least, living to the fullest. If anything life is meant to be lived to the fullest and I had let a ton of stuff stay on my back and keep me from doing so. Now if I can convince others around me to do so too. Jacob still has a hate on for Ottawa but he recently started playing soccer again and he loves it. I am still amazed by his size and agility and I wish he'd stop getting taller than his mother. I heard Jason talking to him last night and I thought it was going to turn into something that I'd have to fix (all you Mom's know what I am talking about) but he told Jacob why he didn't like what he was saying or how he was saying it and they had a great conversation (and did not know they had an eavesdropper). That kind of stuff still makes me smile.
Because I am starting to live Jacob thinks I am gone too much and why do I get to do everything and he doesn't? Hmmmm. For some reason he has this impression that I have a wild and crazy social life and I have left him out of it. In the mean time when I stay home he ignores me for the most part, does his own thing or goes to a friend's house without a second glance back at me, left home alone. The only time he doesn't ignore me is when I am on the phone. As soon as a friend calls he is in my face, on top of me, wanting to hang out. What is up with that?
When he fully settles in I cannot wait to bother him when he gets a phone call.
Because I am starting to live Jacob thinks I am gone too much and why do I get to do everything and he doesn't? Hmmmm. For some reason he has this impression that I have a wild and crazy social life and I have left him out of it. In the mean time when I stay home he ignores me for the most part, does his own thing or goes to a friend's house without a second glance back at me, left home alone. The only time he doesn't ignore me is when I am on the phone. As soon as a friend calls he is in my face, on top of me, wanting to hang out. What is up with that?
When he fully settles in I cannot wait to bother him when he gets a phone call.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Venting
After venting I feel lighter, a blog full of self psychotherapy is not what I intended so I will have to try something lighter for a while. I did read somewhere about the fakeness of some people's behaviour in the middle of a traumatic occurence. I cannot do that and thus I vent. But I am sure that anyone who reads this blog is not hoping for more of my crap. I apologize for any future venting now but it is what it is. My life. I need to worry less and just live. There are many moments where I have been able to do that with ease, other times not so much.
I was returning some of Jacob's items today - he needs new sneakers but I did not pick out the cool ones. Oh and he is wearing a 10 1/2 in men's now. Anyways I was on the escalator and people where blocking it and all that I could think of was Rick Mercer's rant on escalators. If you haven't read it, Google it. It made me laugh whereas at other times I would have been annoyed.
There was a light hearted thought. Ahhhhh....
I was returning some of Jacob's items today - he needs new sneakers but I did not pick out the cool ones. Oh and he is wearing a 10 1/2 in men's now. Anyways I was on the escalator and people where blocking it and all that I could think of was Rick Mercer's rant on escalators. If you haven't read it, Google it. It made me laugh whereas at other times I would have been annoyed.
There was a light hearted thought. Ahhhhh....
Sunday, January 3, 2010
2010
I am 40 years old. I have been married for 15 years. I have an 11 year old child. And I have been scared to death, actually scared by death. I had hoped by now that I would "be over it" to a point. But that one day has changed me forever. In some ways the changes are better for me. I do not sweat the small stuff any more, if anything it has become amusing. I appreciate living in the moment, trying new things, having more fun, taking care of myself. I am more independent than I was and I can handle just about anything.
The irony of all that is that I am living with a constant underlying fear that brews upward every now and again and spews into a good day, turning it into a bad one. My anxiety attacks have lessened but when they happen it takes the good out of me. I have been known to cry in the shower or bathtub. I am not sure why I do it there, maybe my body knows I am alone, away from witnesses and I can sob without pity, judgement or even a good old fashioned hug. Now I know I need that hug but when I am crying in the bathtub, hard enough to hurt my chest and back, I just want to be alone. I feel alone. I do not have someone close by geographically who lives in fear each day that their spouse is going to die any minute and will be left alone, young, in this world to raise their child alone. I am not sure if I would feel differently if Jacob was grown up and had his own family but I am so worried about him losing Jason, losing his Dad. That day the doc told me Jason was brain dead Jacob was the only thing in my mind. What am I going to tell him? How? How is he going to live without his Dad? I knew he would not be the first child who had to do this but now he was joining those ranks. That feeling has not left me.
I am grateful this is our second Christmas since the heart attack. But I have to be honest I have grieved over losing Jason again this week. I do that from time to time. The odd thing is that Jason has recovered so much of his memory, is doing the best he's ever done, he is still improving every day and yet I am still grieving. There are good days and bad days and on the bad days I am tired. Tired of watching what he eats, drinks, how much he exercises, what he lifts, if he took his pills, doc appts, writing everything down. I am proud to do it, I am happy to do it. But it is tiring. I of course would rather be doing this than the other option.
The other night Jason expressed his gratefulness for everything I have done in a way that was so heart warming and loving, I was touched. Our communication that we shared before all this happened is being revived and nothing could make me happier right now. But as it begins to wake up it is also a reminder of what it hasn't been in the past year and a half. I missed him and he was right in front of me. Living with that has been hard but celebrating all of that coming back has been a joy. I know I am blathering on and yammering and not really making any sense but if I expel all of this out of my head I end up feeling better, relieved by unloading to my shrinks out there. That's you by the way.
2009 was better than the last half of 2008. The beginning of 2010 leaves me hopeful. I am not sure whats in store but I look forward to doing it with Jason and Jacob and I know that's all that matters. More good days than bad days is my goal. I hope the same for you.
The irony of all that is that I am living with a constant underlying fear that brews upward every now and again and spews into a good day, turning it into a bad one. My anxiety attacks have lessened but when they happen it takes the good out of me. I have been known to cry in the shower or bathtub. I am not sure why I do it there, maybe my body knows I am alone, away from witnesses and I can sob without pity, judgement or even a good old fashioned hug. Now I know I need that hug but when I am crying in the bathtub, hard enough to hurt my chest and back, I just want to be alone. I feel alone. I do not have someone close by geographically who lives in fear each day that their spouse is going to die any minute and will be left alone, young, in this world to raise their child alone. I am not sure if I would feel differently if Jacob was grown up and had his own family but I am so worried about him losing Jason, losing his Dad. That day the doc told me Jason was brain dead Jacob was the only thing in my mind. What am I going to tell him? How? How is he going to live without his Dad? I knew he would not be the first child who had to do this but now he was joining those ranks. That feeling has not left me.
I am grateful this is our second Christmas since the heart attack. But I have to be honest I have grieved over losing Jason again this week. I do that from time to time. The odd thing is that Jason has recovered so much of his memory, is doing the best he's ever done, he is still improving every day and yet I am still grieving. There are good days and bad days and on the bad days I am tired. Tired of watching what he eats, drinks, how much he exercises, what he lifts, if he took his pills, doc appts, writing everything down. I am proud to do it, I am happy to do it. But it is tiring. I of course would rather be doing this than the other option.
The other night Jason expressed his gratefulness for everything I have done in a way that was so heart warming and loving, I was touched. Our communication that we shared before all this happened is being revived and nothing could make me happier right now. But as it begins to wake up it is also a reminder of what it hasn't been in the past year and a half. I missed him and he was right in front of me. Living with that has been hard but celebrating all of that coming back has been a joy. I know I am blathering on and yammering and not really making any sense but if I expel all of this out of my head I end up feeling better, relieved by unloading to my shrinks out there. That's you by the way.
2009 was better than the last half of 2008. The beginning of 2010 leaves me hopeful. I am not sure whats in store but I look forward to doing it with Jason and Jacob and I know that's all that matters. More good days than bad days is my goal. I hope the same for you.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
2009 is almost done
Jacob is between boyhood and manhood. What a strange thing puberty is. I remember it well. I may be turning 40 soon but you remember puberty like you remember childbirth - painful but something you have to go through in order to get to the good stuff. His body is changing, his voice has recently started to change, he is officially a bit taller than me and he wears size 9-10 mens shoes. OMG.
I see a baby and think "Was it that long ago?" He is almost 12 and 12 years doesn't seem like much in the big scheme of things but he went from weighing 5 lbs to weighing 105 in 11 years. It is pretty cool to be able to go see "Sherlock Holmes" with him or talk about girls and other topics I cannot discuss here (I won't be able to afford the therapy for him if I discuss our previous chats).
Turning 40 is a hurdle that I am happy to jump. Not having another birthday is not a good option, obviously. Plus I will get to see the boy become the man. But I will miss him. He brought me plenty of messy kisses, lots of sleepless nights and a lot of dirty diapers. Soon he'll begiving away his kisses to someone else, causing me to have more sleepless nights but at least there won't be more dirty diapers anytime soon.
I see a baby and think "Was it that long ago?" He is almost 12 and 12 years doesn't seem like much in the big scheme of things but he went from weighing 5 lbs to weighing 105 in 11 years. It is pretty cool to be able to go see "Sherlock Holmes" with him or talk about girls and other topics I cannot discuss here (I won't be able to afford the therapy for him if I discuss our previous chats).
Turning 40 is a hurdle that I am happy to jump. Not having another birthday is not a good option, obviously. Plus I will get to see the boy become the man. But I will miss him. He brought me plenty of messy kisses, lots of sleepless nights and a lot of dirty diapers. Soon he'll begiving away his kisses to someone else, causing me to have more sleepless nights but at least there won't be more dirty diapers anytime soon.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas!
So many things to be grateful for, humbled by and to think about. Our second Christmas since that awful day. A fallen soldier on his way home. A happy and excited boy who still believes in Santa Claus (thanks to his Mom's hidden tactical procedures). A quiet cup of tea while waiting for that boy to wake up. Close friends who are more like family who invite you over for Christmas dinner and share their special day with visiting family members from Newfoundland with you and your family. Family and friends from near and far who sent cards, emails, presents and love this week. Thoughtfulness is always something to be grateful for.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Christmas is coming....
I have experienced more roller coasters since the last post and I have had some really great times and some really low ones. I had to remind myself of what we have gone through and how we can get through any situation. Bad things have to happen in life, there have to be bumps in the road. That is life for all of us. Good friends and family are what matter.
Last weekend I took a road trip with 3 fantastic ladies to go shopping across the border. Great deals were had by all and we laughed as much as we shopped. A definite high.
This weekend we threw our 2nd Annual Vaters Christmas Party and it was a party! We got to see lots of old friends and some new ones. Everyone brought yummy food, Jerome, Annette and Tony played some wonderful music (Newfie of course) and we got to dance, laugh and mingle with wonderful people.
Jason was the "belle of the ball" mixing and gabbing with everyone. It was something to watch. I got warm fuzzies watching him enjoy himself. If watching your significant other laugh warms your heart then you know it's love. Having friends make him laugh warms my heart as well. I had a wonderful time and I prayed to the Church of Tracy this morning because she stayed at cleaned up last night and I got up to a clean house this morning! Jason and Jacob slept in and I enjoyed my Christmas decorated house with a cup of tea. Another high. Working on our annual Christmas puzzle with Jacob - another high.
It is in those highs that I pull through the low times, keeping them in my mind through the struggles. I know I am stronger for them.
Please come visit us during the holiday season if you get the chance. Let's have more highs than lows.
Last weekend I took a road trip with 3 fantastic ladies to go shopping across the border. Great deals were had by all and we laughed as much as we shopped. A definite high.
This weekend we threw our 2nd Annual Vaters Christmas Party and it was a party! We got to see lots of old friends and some new ones. Everyone brought yummy food, Jerome, Annette and Tony played some wonderful music (Newfie of course) and we got to dance, laugh and mingle with wonderful people.
Jason was the "belle of the ball" mixing and gabbing with everyone. It was something to watch. I got warm fuzzies watching him enjoy himself. If watching your significant other laugh warms your heart then you know it's love. Having friends make him laugh warms my heart as well. I had a wonderful time and I prayed to the Church of Tracy this morning because she stayed at cleaned up last night and I got up to a clean house this morning! Jason and Jacob slept in and I enjoyed my Christmas decorated house with a cup of tea. Another high. Working on our annual Christmas puzzle with Jacob - another high.
It is in those highs that I pull through the low times, keeping them in my mind through the struggles. I know I am stronger for them.
Please come visit us during the holiday season if you get the chance. Let's have more highs than lows.
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