The title has never been truer

These past 2 weeks make the title I picked for this blog a confirmation that my gut instinct for the title was a correct one. Jesus H Christ. Why do bad things have to happen to good people? Why? Is it necessary to test someone to the limits of their pain and suffering but then test them again?

I could go on but I only spend a few minutes a day (I started this habit 3 years ago) ranting and raving. It lets me vent but I will not let myself dwell. There is no positive energy in that. And positive thoughts, looking moving forward, is the only way.

My Uncle Vern passed away this week and the world is a lesser place for him not being here. He was a kind and gentle soul who could ask more questions than an audition for Jeopardy and he could tell the funniest stories you ever heard - all in the same conversation. Losing a loved one while you live away is a pain. You want to be there for their immediate and extended family and friends, you want to hug the ones you love.

Dealing with the medical issues in our own family, dealing with work and kid, dealing with being posted away from home for 18 years, it can take its toll. Missing home is like missing a limb sometimes. My family and friends are the most important thing to me. Thank god for my military family, my friends away from home.

We also had our next door neighbours get packed up this week, they are moving back to Nova Scotia, posted back to Halifax. They are estatic. I will miss them like crazy. Kim has been there for me for the past 3 years. Ken and the kids too, god, it's also a part of a military family's life to watch your newly acquired loved ones leave. To have them for 3 years was a blessing.

Jacob is finishing Grade 7 this week. We are "making " making him go to Montreal for his last school trip - Biodome and La Ronde. God, we are awful parents. He told us tonight that a better idea would be" let me stay home and just give me the 60 bucks". His logic is flawed, obviously.

We have lost more soldiers this month, I cry each time I read the news. I feel for those families. The launch of Family Information Line (FIL) and www.familyforce.ca was this past week as well. More options for military families. Working on the OSI videos for DMFS, which are now on FamilyForce, is one of my proudest moments - thank you Royal Ottawa Hospital and thank you Dean for letting me be a part of it. For young people living in a home with a parent with an OSI it is a great and worthwhile project.

Jason made homemade beans and bread and we had friends over to enjoy it this weekend. Nothing beats a great homemade meal, good friends and a game of cards. Hopefully we will have started up the old tradition again.

Oh and Jason went and saw a Pink Floyd tribute band here last night. Please talk to him about it. He was hilariously calling it "Pink Lloyd" and joked that he was going to buy a shirt there. And he had to bring his lawn chair to the arena because they was no seating available. Apparently "they didn't suck".

That's all for now, off to bed, a new day around the corner.

Relay For Life

Friends of mine participated in Relay For Life this weekend. I have realized that life is exactly that - a relay.

#1 You need you family and friends, your loved ones, on this relay or you will not make it through or you will make it but be a miserable sad person at the end of the race. The support of others holds you up, inspires you and pushes you forward when you do not think you can go anymore. This is why we love others.

#2 It is a struggle. It is not always easy. That is life. See #1.

#3 There are bumps in the road, sometimes you see mountains. Climbing has become your new hobby. Scaling the mountain is the journey. Know the difference between a bump and a mountain. Perspective can be a good thing.

#4 Everyone is running their own relay race. Do not forget you are not the centre of the universe. I know you want to sometimes but everyone has a race to run, everyone has a story.

#5 Sometimes the relay is scary but there are joyous moments as well. Live in those moments. Open your eyes, experience it. Do not let the fear overtake you at all times. Living in fear is not living. Just breathe.

ICD kick and moving on

So the past 2 weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind and all has ended well. My girls trip to NYC was amaze-balls (Love the crazy relaity show talk)! Sharing that weekend with Michelle, Jackie and Florence was a dream come true. Mamma Mia was an out of body experience for me, my face hurt from all of the smiling! Of course I banged into 3 women from CBS in the bathroom during the intermission. Of course. Also banged into Dawn Baker in the airport on the way down there, of course.

After all of that elation I spent a day at the Air Force Family Conference in Winnipeg - truly amazing work. It was wonderful to match faces with names and make new connections. CDS and his wife did an outstanding job connecting the dots as did Gen Blondin and his wife. The Wing Commander from Comox left a lasting impression on me. Nice guy, works for his troops and their families, wants to do more - inspiring to say the least. Love my new job, it is challenging and exciting. I am advocating for military families and there is no better job for me.

Then I get home! Jason surprises us all Wednesday evening and we are back into the medical rollercoaster. Thank you Dr. Ruddy for your amazing advice. I cannot thank you enough. Thank you to the Pacemaker clinic and its staff at the Heart Institute, Dr. Lemery and all of the Hear Institute staff - the nurses were so wonderful. Jason is doing well and feeling great. Whew. Still waiting on the letter from MOT about Jason's licence, just another bump in the road.

Talking with one of Jason's night nurses was eye-opening for me. I was talking to her and all of a sudden she looked at me and asked "Are you seeing anyone for that?" By that she meant my worries, my nervousness, my anxieties about all things Jason and his heart. I told her I had and she said "Good. It is time you moved on. You know he may be back her again and again". Hmmmmm. The past almost 3 years have been time spent worrying about another heart attack, about how it will affect Jason and all of us, our lives. 3 years of being frightened, anxiety attacks, crying. Now I spent some of that 3 years laughing, enjoying moments in the moment, feeling warm and fuzzy. It hasn't all been bad. But it was time I moved on. Jason and Jacob did it. Why is it so hard for me? There are worse things happening to good people in the world. I need to be grateful (I am) and move on. Crap happens. So bear with me as I try to reverse old habits. I know I can.

On a happier note,
We went to the twins 3rd birthday party this weekend, we missed one and two so it was so nice to be at their 3rd. A fun time.

May 17th, 2011 in the National Post there is an article about taking out organs for organ donation from patients whose hearts have stopped for 5 mins or more (in ON). The controversy surrounding this fascinates me because 4 years ago I would have thought this was a good thing and now, not so much. It is actually frightening to me that I would have been approached 3 years ago to donate any possible organs due to cardiac death and not brain death. Families need to be accounted for in these policy decisions. Facts do too. I would be interested in hearing how many people survive cardiac death of five minutes or more in Canada. I would also be interested in having it noted in articles posted like the one I mentioned. Showing both sides of astory is important. I am in favour of organ donation, always have been.

Being Sick Sucks

How's that for a title? So eloquent, so meaningful. After doing 2 weeks of a virus/cold? a few weeks back, going through an antibiotic regimen which was killer on my stomach, apparently that treatment failed and the antibiotic resistant bacteria survived in my sinuses - or that's the theory anyway. Now I am into Day 5 of misery, wicked cough, sore throat, sinus pain. I will admit I do feel better than I did on Monday but this cough and the sneezing, I am afraid if it is something else then all my peeps at work will be exposed. Plus I don't think I could drive to work let alone actually work yet. Between the nose blowing, cough, wheezing, drinking 18 gallons of liquid and thus going to the bathroom constantly I am staying put again today. I had sinus x-rays and chest x-rays done yesterday because now there is a possibility it is pneumonia or something else. When I went in for the x-rays the tech took my sinus shots yesterday. I enjoyed seeing my spine, skull and cavities although I never got a long enough look. When she put in the chest x-ray cartridge I said "my god that's a big cartridge" and she didn't even break her stride, she replied "well you have a big chest". If I wasn't so miserable I would have laughed out loud (and not LOL either). It made my grin though, I like her. I cannot remember who sent me the thyroid cover article about the increase with thyroid cancer may be linked to exposure during x-rays (including dental) and I already have a thyroid problem so as she was covering up my ovaries, kidneys I asked for the neck piece. She found it and helped me put it on but I do not think she would have had me wear it had I not asked for it. I could not wear it for the chest x-rays but I did for the sinus shots (which were quite a few). I think everyone should be asking for extra protection when having x-rays - what could it hurt? I must go take my antibiotic and extra fluids, call my boss and tell him I yet again must stay in hibernation. I am missing work, adult conversation, even going to the grocery store, living. I hope this ends soon or becomes tolerable enough to get through my day without pj's. I wish this on no one.

Update

Ended a job on Thursday, started my new one Friday. Today I am sick, my head, my throat, cough, sinuses.....doc thinks it is sinusitis and gave me some heavy duty antibiotics, I hope it works. I am all excited about my new job so I hope I am ok on Monday to work. Had a wonderful 40th and 13th birthday party for Jason and Jacob. A great time was had by all, lots of out of town friends which was so nice. We had a great evening talking and laughing, my stomach hurt the next day. I had a dream last night, now I was feverish, that Jason's ICD went off and I watched it happen to him and then I watched him have a stroke. It was a nightmare really. I came right up off the bed, it took me a long time to settle down, it was so real. I think my nerves are a bit raw these days. Just when I stop worrying and panicking I have this nightmare. What is my subconscious trying to tell me? That I should worry? Hmmmmm.

Woe is me......

So I was sick for 5 days and got back to work on Tuesday. Wednesday I was asked to attend a meeting with my co-workers and my supervisors. I received my end of contract letter and everyone in the room seemed sad. I love my job. I love working with my co-workers - they are such a supportive team and a wonderful group of people. They all want to help military families and support them. Being able to help and provide support to military families on a national scale has been a dream job for me. Working on the education aspect within the military lifestyle was like working in a job that I wrote the job description for....can you tell I am having a bit of trouble letting go of such a beloved job?

I am trying to remain optimistic and realistic. I am applying for other jobs that interest me. And I will keep supporting military families albeit on a smaller scale but doing it fills something in me. Giving back to my military community is a must.

This week I also found out that my wonderful friends and neighbours are posted back to Halifax. They are estatic of course and I am happy for them. But I will miss them. Dearly. Of course they will be friends for life and I was lucky to have had them so close for 2 years, but July will be a sad event. Another piece of the military lifestyle. The positive side is the number of friends I have and will have always. But I have to say it sucks to have your good freinds move away. Or you move away from them.

Chin up, moving forward. I have 3 weeks to get the job well done.