Loss and Love

How is one supposed to deal with the death of their child? We are expected to deal with life's occurences as they come at us, having our friend and family to support us through any mishap - tragic or not. But you can show me all the books, show me all the therapists but how does one accept the death of their baby? I consider myself a strong person. I thought I could handle anything. But maybe not. Maybe not. But life goes on regardless. The cruel day to day BS still exists despite losing one of the most important people in your life. People argue, there are idiots on the road and none of them value human life like you do. And your child is not there by your side. No more late night kisses as they sleep cosily int heir bed. No more silly laughs over a family running joke. No more I love you's whispered back and forth. Missing the arguements, the frantic hormones, the sauciness of a teen's vernacular.
My heart has felt like it has been bleeding since I got the news yesterday. It bleeds for her Mom and Dad, her brothers, the families and friends. Knowing that such a kind sweet loving person whom I have known now has to try and choke in the news that her daughter is gone makes me feel an ache, a pain for her and for everyone who has had the newd delivered. I know there are no answers to the why. We cannot hang onto life with fervor, it is a slippery slope that should be treated with grace and kindness, not treated with a middle finger in rush hour traffic. But even when you treat it with love and a gentle touch bad things still happen. They happen every day to someone. When it hits someone you know it affects you deeply, knowingly. All we can do is support the families, the parents, the brothers. Stand for them, hold them up when they fall to the ground in grief, they will feel your love and support, they will. When someone is not feeling strong inside other's strength acts as a makeshift spine, gives a backbone for them to lean on. Or at least hang on to for dear life.
Honour the memory, share memories, rejoce in the life they had. It was wonderous, too short but wonderous. But knowing her made you a better person. Knowing her was an honour, a priviledge. With your heart open, drive through that wall of grief one day at a time, slowly but surely.

Does everything have to come in 3's?

Late November - minor and I mean minor accident in parking lot, looks like it will cost $100, ends up costing us $1600. Not a minor bill. Jason backed into another truck after returning a movie to the local store. Broke the little pieces (2) that keep the license plate in the front bumper. That was it. The truck's whole front bumper had to be replaced in order to fix this. Moral of the story - do not hit any front bumper of any new truck.

Early December - Jason is turning left onto a street headed towards home for the evening. Light goes from gree, to yellow to red due to oncoming traffic. Jason has to make the left turn because he can legally engage the intersection in Ontario on a green and then make that turn if the light goes yellow or red (learned this during rehab). Jason goes to turn, white car flies out of nowhere, runs the complete red, hits Jason in the centre of the truck, pushes in bumper and scrapes down the side of his car and keeps going at 100 km/h (approx). Jason goes into shock, drives home. I warm him up, call the police, make him eat his supper and then back to the station we go to make a report. Apparently only if you are hurt or killed in a hit and run will someone actually go looking for the hit and runner. Our insurance will cover the damage and not increase our premiums. Jason put the truck in the auto shop for a week and now it looks great. We had to drive together for a few days, he got a ride to work with a friend for a few days - all is good and Jason was not hurt. That was a shock to my system that particular night but all is good.

Last weekend I am out running errands by myself, relaxing. Retail therapy is good for me. On my way home I have to stop at a local store for batteries for Jason. Dry clear day, I ahve to take a left into the store's parking lot. I wait for oncoming traffic to cease. I notice a silver car in the distance, she may have to stop for me because there is alot of traffic. When I look in my rear view again she is almost on top of me and when I realize she is coming fast and she is not going to stop I hear the screech of her tires and bang! She hit me pushing me forward. I got out to find out she hadn't even seen me and it's 50 km/h in that zone. I am upset for many reasons and she is a nice girl but where was she looking? My body starts to ache that night, it got so bad that I went for a massage Wednesday night and I will go for another next week. I saw the doctor and I took the car in for an assessment to the same body shop where Jason's truck was. I have some whiplash, should be good soon. I felt a bit better each day so far. My bak and neck and shoulder are still sore in spots but it is tolerable. Some scratching on my bumper and such so my car goes in next week for repair. Thank god for plastic bumpers!

I am done with accidents. I know I cannot control this but I am done. I just want to say that to the universe.

Last Thursday Jason and I are leaving for work and the front door lock breaks, I cannot get my key in it. Jacob is gone to school with a key that is useless. Thanks to BMR and Jason we have a new lock in place and we all realize we must have had a lemon of a lock put in 2 years ago because our old lock was never this smooth. Hmmmm. You learn new things as you go I guess.

Jason had a cardiologist appointment last week. I went there to discuss the whole difibrillator incident where his heart doc said he needed it and the electrophsyio guy couldn't understand why he needed it. I did not want Jas to have a surgery that wasn't necessary. A surgery where they will hve to stop his heart to test the darn thing. The last time his heart stopped I did not do so good. I didn't want to go through that or put Jason through the surgery (and the month of no driving after it) if it wasn't a need. Well it is a need. Everything got clarified in that meeting. In order to give Jason some insurance if his heart stops again then the defib would be needed. His heart is scarred and not working well due to the arrest 2 years ago and the doc said if it was him or his son who had Jason's medical issues he would do it. It may be able to give him another 40 years of life. Not one person has said that since Jason's heart attack. Not one. I wanted to kiss his doc right then and there but I kept myself in check. My heart leapt with joy instead of fear (which is what it usually does in these meetings). We may not get another 40 years, who knows how many we have, but he opened up the possiblity to me which was the first time in 2 years that I have had hope offered to me on a silver platter. Thank you doc for giving me back hope. I had hope the whole time Jason was in the hospital but as he progressed and came back to the living more and more doctors were telling me the realities of what our life may be and hope began to dissipate into those realities. But another lesson learned. Never give up on hope. It can pull you throught he darkest of days. I know some of you reading this see your religion in this way and I do respect that. I think I call it hope and some call it God. And that's OK.

Now that I have vented, a happier note. Jacob had a wonderful report card (progress report) and we went to the parent teacher meeting. We have one smart cookie of a son who is well liked and is doing awesome in school. Math wise - I will say it - a genius. My time to brag. His teachers all look like they stepped out of the school from Glee. Good looking, wonderful, well spoken, no Sue Sylvester present. Make no wonderful he loves school this year. Great staff and it was a good night for me and Jason - we heard how well Jacob was doing and we got to beam with pride. One teacher told us that sometimes while teaching a new idea she saw Jacob staring off and she figured he wasn't paying attention so she quizzed thinking she would catch him off guard. He answered her question correctly and she realized that even though he looked like he wasn't listening, he was! He takes after his father. Of course when one teacher said he was a little chatty at times (I told you how nice his teachers were) I told her I don't know where he gets that! ha

James Blunt - If Time Is All I Have (Live at 1 Mayfair)

Lady luck has a funny way of showing it

Jason was hit by a car today in an intersection, he is OK! The car, running the red, swiped the front of the truck and kept going (Jason's estimate is 100 km/h in an 80km/h zone). He was in shock and drove home. I could feel the adrenaline in him when I saw him. I was so happy to have in one piece but I knew he was in shock. I called the police and they told us to go to the nearest police station (which was next to the scene of the crime) and report it so we did. After I had him eat and drink something and chill. Then we came home, called the insurance, and now we have to fix the truck. A much easier thing to do than the what if's that have run through my head tonight. Scary stuff but he's OK.

Then later I noticed our freezer in the side by side fridge was running for a long time and when I checked it I realized the door was ajar. Inside everything was soaked due to the melted ice maker. A small pain in the butt but who needs this? I did a surface clean and I will gut it when I am not so tired.

Goodnight! Not much luck truck and fridge - wise but Jason is feeling ok.

Acclimation is not going well

This morning I woke up crying. Now I had never done that before unless you include the times right after Jason had his heart attack when I woke up every morning and for the first few seconds I was awake I had the hope that I had been having a nightmare, that Jason was right beside me and now in a hospital in Edmonton hooked up to a ventilator. And then I would cry, I would cry on the inside.

I had a dream before I woke up this morning that I was at my work Christmas party, we were all dressed up and planning on sitting together at the same table. We spied a menu on the way into the room and I realized that they were serving hamachi. Now after I woke up I googled hamachi which is Yellowtail tuna. In my dream they had fried the fish whole but it was slot smaller than a tuna fish because it fit on the plate. Anyways, I wanted that hamachi because I ahve always wanted to try it. When we found our table everyone sat around, I had Mom and Dad there (reasons I will get into later) as well. I made sure they were sat in before I sat down and when I went to sit there was no plate for me. No room really but I figured I could go grab a plate of hamachi and squeeze in. While we were walking in I had noticed that there was hamachi (and other dishes) pre plated so I could go grab one of those and come back to my work team. The first plate of hamachi I came across was not on a plate but in a massively huge glass bowl (even I thought that was strange in my dream) so I kept going. As I looked for another plate people started sitting down and the plates of hamachi I had seen walking in now had people in front of them. Then I spied some bigwig politicians sitting down and there was no time left. All of the tables were now sat and I had no food. As I made my way back to my table I saw that everyone was eating and having a good time. Of course I felt left out. I went back to the table and told them I was going home. I had tried to get a plate of food but no luck. They immediately jumped up and tried to get me to stay (they are very nice people and they care) but Mom and Dad had finished their food and I wanted to just go home. As I got in the car in the parking lot everyone from my team showed up and asked me to reconsider. Then I had to start explaining how I was feeling and I started to cry. Then I woke up and I was crying. I am an emotional cripple.

I have been busy at work and I like that. I really do work with the best group of people so them running out into the parking lot because they care could really happen. Me looking for hamachi? Not so much. But I have concerns about some things going on there and my contract ending has constantly been on my mind so I am not entirely shocked about a work dream.

Mom and Dad were there because I think about them and worry about them all the time. I wish I was closer to home so I could visit them often. Time seems to be getting a way from us all. I wish I had the money to fly down often. A lot of wishes. Between Dad's health and Jason's I do way too much thinking and worrying. I know Mom is going through similar day to day things as I am and that weighs heavy on me.

Just yeaterday I asked Jason to replace weatherstripping around the front door. So he went out and bought it and as I was coming int he front door from my own errands he was replacing it. Awesome! When he was done I noticed a gap on the left hand top side of the door. Jas didn't know what to do and that was it. Now for some reason I am strong and I am a fighter when the big things crop up. But seeing the cold coming in and the heat going out through that opening and knowing that was OK with Jason - well, I started to get upset. I know I was being foolish. I know I am a perfectionist (I spent an hour trying to caulk around my tub faucet yesterday, not a pleasant experience) and I should just let the little things go. But I let the past get to me and Jas 3 years ago would have figured out how to fix the door. That was what really got to me. I had my one minute pity party and decided to go to the local hardware store and ask them. They did not know either - which I thought was strange. I called some friends and help is coming today hopefully. But I had to dig deep over a gap in the door jamb.

I used to think I was invincible. I was a strong and capable person but I have been feeling of late that I have a breaking point. This disturbs me. I never used to feel like that. Never. Not even when things were at their worst. Not even that day when the doc told us Jason was brain dead. So how could a gap in a door bring me to that conclusion? Talk about the straw breaking the camel's back. A friend at work yesterday told me yesterday how smart I was. She had no idea how much that comment affected me (and the conversation surrounding it). Jason used to tell me that every now and again, I think even when he didn't necessarily believe it. But he told me that because it lifted me (yes shallow I know, falsehood maybe but it worked). I haven't heard him say that with kindness in his voice since his heart attack. I notice the wierdest things these days. But when she said it I almost sobbed right in front of her. Not because I think I am smart but that was what he used to say to make me feel better, the running joke. I miss those running jokes. I grieve for pieces like that. Then I get angry for the loss and then I cry because I am fortunate to still have him and I should get over myself. I go through this daily and the stress is obviously getting to me. I used to be in control, that lack of control is what I have been trying to acclimate to since the day of Jason's heart attack.

Now I know it's not just that gap in the door. It's the build up of many different things coming at me from many different angles. And I know people are dealing with much worse situations than me. I do have perspective (Jason taught me that over the past 19 years). I just needed to purge those feelings. So I apologize for taking you through my therapy session. I know how many good people care about me, I feel it often. I know I have the best family in the world, the best friends. I know. It is true - they are what will get you through anything. They are.

The Gift of Cancer

If you check out Eve Ensler's speech in the The Huffington Post (www.huffingtonpost.com) - The Gift of Cancer, it may open your eyes. An intersting way of looking at her own battle. She is the author of the Vagina Monologues in case you were wondering why that name was familiar.

Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving to those overseas, those ordinary citizens who have it in them to not only serve their country but do it away from their families, their loved ones. Missing birthdays, holidays, anniversaries without complaint. But missing their children, their partners, their right hands and their beds so bad sometimes that they cannot even relay that to the people they work with or to the padre who asks them how they are feeling. Thank you for helping others. Thank you for representing us in the world. Thank you for being you.
We think about you a lot. We even sometimes cry while driving in our cars if a soppy endearing song comes on the radio because we know you would love to be home, would love to be hugged. We think about you at work, in school and on the bus. You are in our thoughts. We all want you to come home safe. We could not do what you are doing and we respect you for it.
Thank you to all the members of the Canadian Forces and their families. Thank you to the little boy who asked his Mom this afternoon why Daddy was not there this year. Thank you to the little girl at school who wrote her Thanksgiving speech about missing her Mom for the whole school to hear. They heard the pride in her voice. Thank you to the parents who cxonstantly check all the news networks daily and who hang on the phone calls and emails they get whenever possible. Thank you to the children who are with their grandparents this year for turkey because both Mom and Dad had to be away today. Thank you to the all of the gay partners who are spending today with family and friends without their loved one by their side. Thank you to the friends who raise a glass for their buddies today and await their tours to be over.

Thank you to all of those Canadians who thanked somebody today.