Acclimation is not going well

This morning I woke up crying. Now I had never done that before unless you include the times right after Jason had his heart attack when I woke up every morning and for the first few seconds I was awake I had the hope that I had been having a nightmare, that Jason was right beside me and now in a hospital in Edmonton hooked up to a ventilator. And then I would cry, I would cry on the inside.

I had a dream before I woke up this morning that I was at my work Christmas party, we were all dressed up and planning on sitting together at the same table. We spied a menu on the way into the room and I realized that they were serving hamachi. Now after I woke up I googled hamachi which is Yellowtail tuna. In my dream they had fried the fish whole but it was slot smaller than a tuna fish because it fit on the plate. Anyways, I wanted that hamachi because I ahve always wanted to try it. When we found our table everyone sat around, I had Mom and Dad there (reasons I will get into later) as well. I made sure they were sat in before I sat down and when I went to sit there was no plate for me. No room really but I figured I could go grab a plate of hamachi and squeeze in. While we were walking in I had noticed that there was hamachi (and other dishes) pre plated so I could go grab one of those and come back to my work team. The first plate of hamachi I came across was not on a plate but in a massively huge glass bowl (even I thought that was strange in my dream) so I kept going. As I looked for another plate people started sitting down and the plates of hamachi I had seen walking in now had people in front of them. Then I spied some bigwig politicians sitting down and there was no time left. All of the tables were now sat and I had no food. As I made my way back to my table I saw that everyone was eating and having a good time. Of course I felt left out. I went back to the table and told them I was going home. I had tried to get a plate of food but no luck. They immediately jumped up and tried to get me to stay (they are very nice people and they care) but Mom and Dad had finished their food and I wanted to just go home. As I got in the car in the parking lot everyone from my team showed up and asked me to reconsider. Then I had to start explaining how I was feeling and I started to cry. Then I woke up and I was crying. I am an emotional cripple.

I have been busy at work and I like that. I really do work with the best group of people so them running out into the parking lot because they care could really happen. Me looking for hamachi? Not so much. But I have concerns about some things going on there and my contract ending has constantly been on my mind so I am not entirely shocked about a work dream.

Mom and Dad were there because I think about them and worry about them all the time. I wish I was closer to home so I could visit them often. Time seems to be getting a way from us all. I wish I had the money to fly down often. A lot of wishes. Between Dad's health and Jason's I do way too much thinking and worrying. I know Mom is going through similar day to day things as I am and that weighs heavy on me.

Just yeaterday I asked Jason to replace weatherstripping around the front door. So he went out and bought it and as I was coming int he front door from my own errands he was replacing it. Awesome! When he was done I noticed a gap on the left hand top side of the door. Jas didn't know what to do and that was it. Now for some reason I am strong and I am a fighter when the big things crop up. But seeing the cold coming in and the heat going out through that opening and knowing that was OK with Jason - well, I started to get upset. I know I was being foolish. I know I am a perfectionist (I spent an hour trying to caulk around my tub faucet yesterday, not a pleasant experience) and I should just let the little things go. But I let the past get to me and Jas 3 years ago would have figured out how to fix the door. That was what really got to me. I had my one minute pity party and decided to go to the local hardware store and ask them. They did not know either - which I thought was strange. I called some friends and help is coming today hopefully. But I had to dig deep over a gap in the door jamb.

I used to think I was invincible. I was a strong and capable person but I have been feeling of late that I have a breaking point. This disturbs me. I never used to feel like that. Never. Not even when things were at their worst. Not even that day when the doc told us Jason was brain dead. So how could a gap in a door bring me to that conclusion? Talk about the straw breaking the camel's back. A friend at work yesterday told me yesterday how smart I was. She had no idea how much that comment affected me (and the conversation surrounding it). Jason used to tell me that every now and again, I think even when he didn't necessarily believe it. But he told me that because it lifted me (yes shallow I know, falsehood maybe but it worked). I haven't heard him say that with kindness in his voice since his heart attack. I notice the wierdest things these days. But when she said it I almost sobbed right in front of her. Not because I think I am smart but that was what he used to say to make me feel better, the running joke. I miss those running jokes. I grieve for pieces like that. Then I get angry for the loss and then I cry because I am fortunate to still have him and I should get over myself. I go through this daily and the stress is obviously getting to me. I used to be in control, that lack of control is what I have been trying to acclimate to since the day of Jason's heart attack.

Now I know it's not just that gap in the door. It's the build up of many different things coming at me from many different angles. And I know people are dealing with much worse situations than me. I do have perspective (Jason taught me that over the past 19 years). I just needed to purge those feelings. So I apologize for taking you through my therapy session. I know how many good people care about me, I feel it often. I know I have the best family in the world, the best friends. I know. It is true - they are what will get you through anything. They are.