Why do I do the things I do?

Why can I remember so much and then forget such important things that should really stick in my brain? Jacob has a doctor's appointment yesterday and I totally forgot about it. Even though I reminded myself all week about it and then comes Saturday and poof! Gone. I kept reminding myself all week because it was on a Saturday (not many appts on that day usually) but it didn't come to me until 6:30am today! Now all I can think about is calling his doc and begging forgiveness and hopefully he can get another appointment soon. It's not for any thing urgent but as you know, I have successfully made a number of trips to doctor's appts in the past while so I am horrified that I forgot about this one.
Again, why am I so hard on myself? I am my own worst enemy. I wish I was not like this. I used to think everyone was like this but then I met Jason. He does not beat himself up about much and he is happier because of it. Why can't I do that????
This is my last day of 10 days of antibiotics - I had a sinus infection due to the cold/viral flu I had over 3 weeks ago. I hope that stays away now. Jacob is feeling fine and Jason got both flu shots a while back.
Now I have to remember all doc appts, Christmas shop, clean, work like crazy (I love it but we are busy) and throw some shindigs so I can visit with friends and relax at the same time. There is my 6 week plan in a nut shell. Short term but hell, maybe then I can remember it.

Sick but still loving life

There has been a lot of sickness in the Vaters household these past two weeks. Jacob had H1N1 and after getting over that he contracted another virus (more mild) but he had to stay home from school again. My doc could not confirm if I had H1N1 but it hit me like a ton of bricks, kept me home from work for a week and I am feeling the after effects now.
The only bright light to this story is that Jason did not come down with anything. Now I think this is because I waited on Jacob hand and foot when he was battling H1N1 and thus I got it too. I have to say I was scared one of those night because his fever was so high. I called Telehealth and the nurse told me what to do, when to call 911, I even had her listen to him breathing while he was asleep. Not a good feeling.
My sinuses have been really affected by all of this and will not heal up. Hopefully next week will be a better week for that.
Jason has doc appts coming up between now and January - brain doc, cardiac doc, GP, it will be good to have him reassesed again and see how he is doing now medically. He woke me up the other when he came to bed to vent to me about somthing and I thought "Yah, another jump instead of my usual befoer the heart attack reaction "what are you waking me up for now?", ha. I smiled after we stopped talking because we used to do this to each other before and it had been one sided for quite some time. Our conversations are much more relaxed and two sided these days and I am getting used to (I am not taking it for granted though).
Now don't get that rosy pic of us in your head yet. We were argueing about something a couple of weeks ago and I told him the only reason I helped him come back from the brink of death was so I could kill him myself! Which made us both laugh out loud because the discussion was not that heated but it felt like old times again. Anyone who knows us will appreciate this.
This whole heart attack thing has been hard on me emotionally. Loving someone as much as I love Jason and the fact that I loved who he was the first time around, well, that was a toll on my psyche for quite some time. It still hits me every now and again but those moments of pure us that I get now renew my mental and physical strength. I see him going back to work and enjoying it. I am working and loving it, my job is amazing and the people I work with are too. Jacob is doing well in school. He is having his moments these days and I know they are due to what happened to Jason but we wrap around him and protect and love him as much as we can (without smothering him too much). He is a good boy, a good person and that's all we ever wanted in our son.
To all of our family and friends, military and civilian, thank you again for helping us through this. I could not have done it without you all.

Update

Jason is doing better than the last time I had written about him. He hasn't stopped improving since June 23rd/08. The most noticeable aspect being socialization, his personality. Playing cards has brought out more of Jason's personality, being home in the summer definitely helped with that as well. Doctors appts are booked for December and January, we are still waiting on his cardiac appt but I hope he gets it by Jan too. Blood work is every two weeks now. Sometimes there are problems with his INR but he is managing that with his GP. As he improves our quality of life improves as well.
I see more of more of Jason Version 1 as time goes along. Jason Version 2 is not around as much these days. I know this is an odd way to speak of the love of my life but pre heart attack and post heart attack doesn't do well for my psyche. I love both versions and I now love the blending of those 2. Every day with Jason is a gift, no matter what version. But I thought that before the heart attack.
Jacob is finally venting his feelings, his grief, his fears. I won't go into the details but he is an amazing child. Yes of course I am biased. Without Jason I would not have the greatest gift - Jacob.
I am loving my job. Jacob is doing well in school. Life is good.

All you did.

All you did.


All you did was breathe for him
All you did was tell him it was going to be OK
All you did was make him comfortable
All you did was put light in our day.

All you did was work together
All you did was pump his chest
All you did was make sure he made it to the hospital
All you did was do everything but rest

All you did was give a boy his Dad back
All you did was give his Mom and Dad their son
All you did was make us see the heroes among us
All you did was tell him he was not done.

All you did was rise above us
All you did will never be forgot
All you did will always be remembered
All you did is why it will be fought

All you did can still make me cry
All you did was save his life
All you did makes you shine when I think of you
All you did was let me remain a military wife.

what you end up facing

You never know what you are going to face. Good or bad, you never know. I am hoping more good than bad for everyone, that's all I can do really. Bad stuff has to happen, we would not be human or mortal without it. But why does it have to happen continually to certain people, seemingly playing over and over like a bad record? I know life isn't fair. But does it have to be so unfair that some people never get to enjoy a moment?
Enjoy the moments, that's all we have. God, I feel preachy. Sorry about that.

Friends and Family

I have got some friends and family going through some really rough times right now. I guess at some point we all go through it and that's what makes us human. Animals don't have deal with any psychological crap like we do, do they? Physically they deal with stress but do they mentally? It can wear you down so much. I have to say that Jennifer and all of my military family helped me through the hospital in Yellowknife and the minister and social worker at the hospital in Edmonton helped me through the medical ordeal. My military family in Edmonton were superb and their dedication to detail was amazing. Audrey and Roland made me strong. Sherry made me strong. Our friends and family that visited, that called, that emailed, made us stronger too. There were hiccups along the way but I held it together for Jason. Without Jason I don't know what I would have been like. I don't know what I would have have done if all of you hadn't helped take care of Jacob. Everything I did or said was for him.
Now looking back on all of that I know how I got through. I always knew who the good people were in my life. I always knew that they would be there for us. I knew they loved us. But damn you guys are good. Thank you.
Live life. Do not let people put you down. Do not spend your time trying to improve those kind of people - it isn't going to happen. Do not waste time on drama and complication - move on. Step away. If your gut is telling you they are not good people then spend time with others. Do not waste your one time around. Do not feel guilt, only feel love. Let the fake people live with each other, be real. Stay real.
OK I am getting off my soapbox now. Jacob and I had a conversation about fakeness last night and I guess it got me going. When an 11 yr old can see through it it's a good sign that we are doing our job right.

This info is from Dave Murphy's "Thankasoldier.net" website. Read on!

From today until November 11th 11:00am MCpl Elton Adams will be donating $4.00 from each album ($15.00 cost which includes Shipping & Handling) sold to the Soldier On Program. You can purchase Mcpl Elton Adams CD on his website.

MCpl Elton Adams was born and raised in Roddickton, Newfoundland, Canada. At the age of seventeen Elton Adam enrolled inthe Canadian Forces. During his first six years was employed with the First Royal Canadian Horse Artillery in Shilo Manitoba. While serving with this Regiment worked in both B and C batteries and ventured to Bosnia on Roto 7. It was also at this time hestarted to write his own music.While with the Artillery he played and sang for the troops all of the time.

In Bosnia his band, “Guns and Hose’s”(this was our band name because the Artillery had the big-guns and we practiced in a Fire hall—hose’s) opened up for the CANCON show. Domestically, he had a band called, Dirty Laundry and performed for almost all of the Regiments functions, private parties, and local bars.he has served his country for over eight years and a Military Police-Officer based in Halifax, Nova Scotia. With only two years in the Military police trade received notification that he was to embark on a seven month tour to Afghanistan. Further, he would need to complete 8-months of work-up training in Edmonton before the tour began.

One of the songs Elton wrote, “What a Soldier Left Behind” was heard by his supervisors and the response was extremely positive. It lead to performing at our farewell parade on January 17th 2008. There were over 2000 personnel present for the parade, both soldiers and their families. The song became and is still growing into a big hit amongst the Canadian Forces community. Elton was presented with my Colonel and General’s commendation for the song."On March 20th 2008, I performed, “What a Soldier Left Behind”, in Afghanistan with Canada’s beloved rock band, Blue Rodeo, at our “support the troops” concert, again the response was incredible.

Elton received General Hillier’s, (our retired Chief of Defence Staff) commendation and I received many thank-you’s from my fellow soldiers, civilian employees and retired NHL Players (Doug Gilmour sent me a signed jersey) who were present at the show. It was unforgettable. Now that I’m back from Afghanistan I have finished recording my first album at Denmark Productions and I have just signed a major deal with music distribution company Matchbox Recordings. Matchbox Recordings will be releasing my album in the UK on March 2, 2009. " - Elton Adams[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XtQAmfTOtA]

I was talking with Kay Kennedy one night online and she had said to me "Dave have you heard the song What a soldier left behind" at the time I hadn't but thought I would go check it out. I did right away and the words hit me very hard as I have met many family members of fallen soldiers and see how this song would affect them if they heard it. I contacted Elton on Facebook and asked him if I could feature the video on my Thankasoldier.net web page and he gave me permisson to do so. It is now the video people see when they first visit the site. I have since became good friends with Elton and want to help him get his music out there.http://thankasoldier.wordpress.com/eltonadams/

Me again. There is also a Bue Rodeo/Elton Adams you tube video you can check out!