Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Lady luck has a funny way of showing it
Jason was hit by a car today in an intersection, he is OK! The car, running the red, swiped the front of the truck and kept going (Jason's estimate is 100 km/h in an 80km/h zone). He was in shock and drove home. I could feel the adrenaline in him when I saw him. I was so happy to have in one piece but I knew he was in shock. I called the police and they told us to go to the nearest police station (which was next to the scene of the crime) and report it so we did. After I had him eat and drink something and chill. Then we came home, called the insurance, and now we have to fix the truck. A much easier thing to do than the what if's that have run through my head tonight. Scary stuff but he's OK.
Then later I noticed our freezer in the side by side fridge was running for a long time and when I checked it I realized the door was ajar. Inside everything was soaked due to the melted ice maker. A small pain in the butt but who needs this? I did a surface clean and I will gut it when I am not so tired.
Goodnight! Not much luck truck and fridge - wise but Jason is feeling ok.
Then later I noticed our freezer in the side by side fridge was running for a long time and when I checked it I realized the door was ajar. Inside everything was soaked due to the melted ice maker. A small pain in the butt but who needs this? I did a surface clean and I will gut it when I am not so tired.
Goodnight! Not much luck truck and fridge - wise but Jason is feeling ok.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Acclimation is not going well
This morning I woke up crying. Now I had never done that before unless you include the times right after Jason had his heart attack when I woke up every morning and for the first few seconds I was awake I had the hope that I had been having a nightmare, that Jason was right beside me and now in a hospital in Edmonton hooked up to a ventilator. And then I would cry, I would cry on the inside.
I had a dream before I woke up this morning that I was at my work Christmas party, we were all dressed up and planning on sitting together at the same table. We spied a menu on the way into the room and I realized that they were serving hamachi. Now after I woke up I googled hamachi which is Yellowtail tuna. In my dream they had fried the fish whole but it was slot smaller than a tuna fish because it fit on the plate. Anyways, I wanted that hamachi because I ahve always wanted to try it. When we found our table everyone sat around, I had Mom and Dad there (reasons I will get into later) as well. I made sure they were sat in before I sat down and when I went to sit there was no plate for me. No room really but I figured I could go grab a plate of hamachi and squeeze in. While we were walking in I had noticed that there was hamachi (and other dishes) pre plated so I could go grab one of those and come back to my work team. The first plate of hamachi I came across was not on a plate but in a massively huge glass bowl (even I thought that was strange in my dream) so I kept going. As I looked for another plate people started sitting down and the plates of hamachi I had seen walking in now had people in front of them. Then I spied some bigwig politicians sitting down and there was no time left. All of the tables were now sat and I had no food. As I made my way back to my table I saw that everyone was eating and having a good time. Of course I felt left out. I went back to the table and told them I was going home. I had tried to get a plate of food but no luck. They immediately jumped up and tried to get me to stay (they are very nice people and they care) but Mom and Dad had finished their food and I wanted to just go home. As I got in the car in the parking lot everyone from my team showed up and asked me to reconsider. Then I had to start explaining how I was feeling and I started to cry. Then I woke up and I was crying. I am an emotional cripple.
I have been busy at work and I like that. I really do work with the best group of people so them running out into the parking lot because they care could really happen. Me looking for hamachi? Not so much. But I have concerns about some things going on there and my contract ending has constantly been on my mind so I am not entirely shocked about a work dream.
Mom and Dad were there because I think about them and worry about them all the time. I wish I was closer to home so I could visit them often. Time seems to be getting a way from us all. I wish I had the money to fly down often. A lot of wishes. Between Dad's health and Jason's I do way too much thinking and worrying. I know Mom is going through similar day to day things as I am and that weighs heavy on me.
Just yeaterday I asked Jason to replace weatherstripping around the front door. So he went out and bought it and as I was coming int he front door from my own errands he was replacing it. Awesome! When he was done I noticed a gap on the left hand top side of the door. Jas didn't know what to do and that was it. Now for some reason I am strong and I am a fighter when the big things crop up. But seeing the cold coming in and the heat going out through that opening and knowing that was OK with Jason - well, I started to get upset. I know I was being foolish. I know I am a perfectionist (I spent an hour trying to caulk around my tub faucet yesterday, not a pleasant experience) and I should just let the little things go. But I let the past get to me and Jas 3 years ago would have figured out how to fix the door. That was what really got to me. I had my one minute pity party and decided to go to the local hardware store and ask them. They did not know either - which I thought was strange. I called some friends and help is coming today hopefully. But I had to dig deep over a gap in the door jamb.
I used to think I was invincible. I was a strong and capable person but I have been feeling of late that I have a breaking point. This disturbs me. I never used to feel like that. Never. Not even when things were at their worst. Not even that day when the doc told us Jason was brain dead. So how could a gap in a door bring me to that conclusion? Talk about the straw breaking the camel's back. A friend at work yesterday told me yesterday how smart I was. She had no idea how much that comment affected me (and the conversation surrounding it). Jason used to tell me that every now and again, I think even when he didn't necessarily believe it. But he told me that because it lifted me (yes shallow I know, falsehood maybe but it worked). I haven't heard him say that with kindness in his voice since his heart attack. I notice the wierdest things these days. But when she said it I almost sobbed right in front of her. Not because I think I am smart but that was what he used to say to make me feel better, the running joke. I miss those running jokes. I grieve for pieces like that. Then I get angry for the loss and then I cry because I am fortunate to still have him and I should get over myself. I go through this daily and the stress is obviously getting to me. I used to be in control, that lack of control is what I have been trying to acclimate to since the day of Jason's heart attack.
Now I know it's not just that gap in the door. It's the build up of many different things coming at me from many different angles. And I know people are dealing with much worse situations than me. I do have perspective (Jason taught me that over the past 19 years). I just needed to purge those feelings. So I apologize for taking you through my therapy session. I know how many good people care about me, I feel it often. I know I have the best family in the world, the best friends. I know. It is true - they are what will get you through anything. They are.
I had a dream before I woke up this morning that I was at my work Christmas party, we were all dressed up and planning on sitting together at the same table. We spied a menu on the way into the room and I realized that they were serving hamachi. Now after I woke up I googled hamachi which is Yellowtail tuna. In my dream they had fried the fish whole but it was slot smaller than a tuna fish because it fit on the plate. Anyways, I wanted that hamachi because I ahve always wanted to try it. When we found our table everyone sat around, I had Mom and Dad there (reasons I will get into later) as well. I made sure they were sat in before I sat down and when I went to sit there was no plate for me. No room really but I figured I could go grab a plate of hamachi and squeeze in. While we were walking in I had noticed that there was hamachi (and other dishes) pre plated so I could go grab one of those and come back to my work team. The first plate of hamachi I came across was not on a plate but in a massively huge glass bowl (even I thought that was strange in my dream) so I kept going. As I looked for another plate people started sitting down and the plates of hamachi I had seen walking in now had people in front of them. Then I spied some bigwig politicians sitting down and there was no time left. All of the tables were now sat and I had no food. As I made my way back to my table I saw that everyone was eating and having a good time. Of course I felt left out. I went back to the table and told them I was going home. I had tried to get a plate of food but no luck. They immediately jumped up and tried to get me to stay (they are very nice people and they care) but Mom and Dad had finished their food and I wanted to just go home. As I got in the car in the parking lot everyone from my team showed up and asked me to reconsider. Then I had to start explaining how I was feeling and I started to cry. Then I woke up and I was crying. I am an emotional cripple.
I have been busy at work and I like that. I really do work with the best group of people so them running out into the parking lot because they care could really happen. Me looking for hamachi? Not so much. But I have concerns about some things going on there and my contract ending has constantly been on my mind so I am not entirely shocked about a work dream.
Mom and Dad were there because I think about them and worry about them all the time. I wish I was closer to home so I could visit them often. Time seems to be getting a way from us all. I wish I had the money to fly down often. A lot of wishes. Between Dad's health and Jason's I do way too much thinking and worrying. I know Mom is going through similar day to day things as I am and that weighs heavy on me.
Just yeaterday I asked Jason to replace weatherstripping around the front door. So he went out and bought it and as I was coming int he front door from my own errands he was replacing it. Awesome! When he was done I noticed a gap on the left hand top side of the door. Jas didn't know what to do and that was it. Now for some reason I am strong and I am a fighter when the big things crop up. But seeing the cold coming in and the heat going out through that opening and knowing that was OK with Jason - well, I started to get upset. I know I was being foolish. I know I am a perfectionist (I spent an hour trying to caulk around my tub faucet yesterday, not a pleasant experience) and I should just let the little things go. But I let the past get to me and Jas 3 years ago would have figured out how to fix the door. That was what really got to me. I had my one minute pity party and decided to go to the local hardware store and ask them. They did not know either - which I thought was strange. I called some friends and help is coming today hopefully. But I had to dig deep over a gap in the door jamb.
I used to think I was invincible. I was a strong and capable person but I have been feeling of late that I have a breaking point. This disturbs me. I never used to feel like that. Never. Not even when things were at their worst. Not even that day when the doc told us Jason was brain dead. So how could a gap in a door bring me to that conclusion? Talk about the straw breaking the camel's back. A friend at work yesterday told me yesterday how smart I was. She had no idea how much that comment affected me (and the conversation surrounding it). Jason used to tell me that every now and again, I think even when he didn't necessarily believe it. But he told me that because it lifted me (yes shallow I know, falsehood maybe but it worked). I haven't heard him say that with kindness in his voice since his heart attack. I notice the wierdest things these days. But when she said it I almost sobbed right in front of her. Not because I think I am smart but that was what he used to say to make me feel better, the running joke. I miss those running jokes. I grieve for pieces like that. Then I get angry for the loss and then I cry because I am fortunate to still have him and I should get over myself. I go through this daily and the stress is obviously getting to me. I used to be in control, that lack of control is what I have been trying to acclimate to since the day of Jason's heart attack.
Now I know it's not just that gap in the door. It's the build up of many different things coming at me from many different angles. And I know people are dealing with much worse situations than me. I do have perspective (Jason taught me that over the past 19 years). I just needed to purge those feelings. So I apologize for taking you through my therapy session. I know how many good people care about me, I feel it often. I know I have the best family in the world, the best friends. I know. It is true - they are what will get you through anything. They are.
Friday, October 29, 2010
The Gift of Cancer
If you check out Eve Ensler's speech in the The Huffington Post (www.huffingtonpost.com) - The Gift of Cancer, it may open your eyes. An intersting way of looking at her own battle. She is the author of the Vagina Monologues in case you were wondering why that name was familiar.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Thanks
Happy Thanksgiving to those overseas, those ordinary citizens who have it in them to not only serve their country but do it away from their families, their loved ones. Missing birthdays, holidays, anniversaries without complaint. But missing their children, their partners, their right hands and their beds so bad sometimes that they cannot even relay that to the people they work with or to the padre who asks them how they are feeling. Thank you for helping others. Thank you for representing us in the world. Thank you for being you.
We think about you a lot. We even sometimes cry while driving in our cars if a soppy endearing song comes on the radio because we know you would love to be home, would love to be hugged. We think about you at work, in school and on the bus. You are in our thoughts. We all want you to come home safe. We could not do what you are doing and we respect you for it.
Thank you to all the members of the Canadian Forces and their families. Thank you to the little boy who asked his Mom this afternoon why Daddy was not there this year. Thank you to the little girl at school who wrote her Thanksgiving speech about missing her Mom for the whole school to hear. They heard the pride in her voice. Thank you to the parents who cxonstantly check all the news networks daily and who hang on the phone calls and emails they get whenever possible. Thank you to the children who are with their grandparents this year for turkey because both Mom and Dad had to be away today. Thank you to the all of the gay partners who are spending today with family and friends without their loved one by their side. Thank you to the friends who raise a glass for their buddies today and await their tours to be over.
Thank you to all of those Canadians who thanked somebody today.
We think about you a lot. We even sometimes cry while driving in our cars if a soppy endearing song comes on the radio because we know you would love to be home, would love to be hugged. We think about you at work, in school and on the bus. You are in our thoughts. We all want you to come home safe. We could not do what you are doing and we respect you for it.
Thank you to all the members of the Canadian Forces and their families. Thank you to the little boy who asked his Mom this afternoon why Daddy was not there this year. Thank you to the little girl at school who wrote her Thanksgiving speech about missing her Mom for the whole school to hear. They heard the pride in her voice. Thank you to the parents who cxonstantly check all the news networks daily and who hang on the phone calls and emails they get whenever possible. Thank you to the children who are with their grandparents this year for turkey because both Mom and Dad had to be away today. Thank you to the all of the gay partners who are spending today with family and friends without their loved one by their side. Thank you to the friends who raise a glass for their buddies today and await their tours to be over.
Thank you to all of those Canadians who thanked somebody today.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Stress Leave
I got adjusted by my Naturopath today and she told me I am very tense, holding all my stress in my neck and shoulders. I have stretching exercises to do every day now to keep the stress out of my upper body - so now where is it going to go?
Monday, October 4, 2010
Giving Thanks
After seeing all of the news from home about Igor and the destruction left behind I felt I had to try something. So I created an event on FB called Giving Thanks to Home as a means for Friends to send me a loonie in support of a family in Trouty that may be suffering as we speak. I saw Josephine from Trouty on CBC News one night and all I could do is cry along with her. She was overwhelmed and in shock, I could easilyrecognize it. I thought if we could help one family then one family will benefit and that's Giving Thanks to Home.
Newfoundland is a place of giving, caring and hard as a rock human beings that can take just about anything thrown at them. I think that's why I want to help. I want to also let them know that Newfoundlanders living away from home care, people care. The apathy I saw on TV and in newspapers regarding New Orleans was sad. It still is. But one by one, people jumped in to help. Not the government, not corporations, it started with ordinary citizens helping each other.
I have raised $72 so far and I want to keep going until Thanksgiving Day officially asking for your loonie but then I promise, I will stop. I will write a check for the full amount raised and sent it to a family in Trouty. It may not make them rich but it may represent the care we have for others.
Newfoundland is a place of giving, caring and hard as a rock human beings that can take just about anything thrown at them. I think that's why I want to help. I want to also let them know that Newfoundlanders living away from home care, people care. The apathy I saw on TV and in newspapers regarding New Orleans was sad. It still is. But one by one, people jumped in to help. Not the government, not corporations, it started with ordinary citizens helping each other.
I have raised $72 so far and I want to keep going until Thanksgiving Day officially asking for your loonie but then I promise, I will stop. I will write a check for the full amount raised and sent it to a family in Trouty. It may not make them rich but it may represent the care we have for others.
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