Sorry for taking so long to write. I did write a blog last weekend but I did not post it. If you can believe it I thought it was too personal, too raw. I wrote it, reread it and realized I did not want to see it in print. So as helpful as it was to spew it out of my system I did not want certain people (no I am not talking about the people who love me) as this is a public blog to read it. It was just too much. I have decided to just keep a private journal for those moments from now on because this has happened before, not often because I usually reveal everything and I am a pretty open person, so it may not end up here but it will be written down somewhere. I hope you understand.
It's been a good month so far. Jason is still improving, which calms my nerves when things are bad for me. The other day he emailed me at work and we bantered back and forth about what to do this long weekend. When I said "well let's see if Jacob has planned anything for us too" he replied to my email quickly and referred to Jacob by his nickname (the nickname only Jas called him, a personal one). Jason has not referred to Jacob by his nickname since his heart attack. It was as though that had been wiped out memory wise. I had even forgot it about it myself and I did not have a heart attack. When I read that email and read that line I instantly remembered that it had not been used in almost 2 years and my eyes watered. So I am sitting at work, staring at my computer screen, and tears are slowly running down my face. Jason used that nickname with such affection for Jacob in the past and here it was again.
I replied, once I got a grip, and told him that he just made my cry and how he hadn't used that term for Jacob in so long. He replied " I know, and I did not realize it until I typed it". He typed it first and then read it and realized he hadn't used it in a long time. The human brain, or at least Jason's, continues to freak me out.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mothers
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers. To my Mom who survived me as a child in her house. She is a special individual. She managed to get me through those years without hurting myself or someone else. She raised me to believe that I can be what I want, do what I want, I just need to want to be that or do that. I was raised to be honest (not as brutually as I am sometimes, but honest) and do the right thing. Mom also let me know that she would always be there for me. I am passing her lessons on to Jacob, a legacy to be proud of.
To my mother-in-law, I have the best mother-in-law on earth. Audrey is an amazing loving caring individual who loves her family to the core of her being. She has managed to love a loud, brash, brutually honest daughter-in-law easily. There is nothing that I cannot say in front of her to make her love me less. I lucked out when I met Jason, I also lucked out when I met Audrey. Audrey and I have shared the good times and bad and there is no other mom-in-law that I would want me to go through those times.
To all of my friends that are Moms, they are an amazing bunch. Some I have known my whole life and we are still close - 36 years of friendship is a good friendship. Some of them are 10-15 year old friends. Some friends are less than a year. Friends to the end. Unconditional love and understanding is a cherished commodity. A call, a card, a gift in the mail, a hug goes a long way from an old friend. If I get down knowing they are there lifts me up. They are there because they want to be - that can keep a girl going. They know when to reach out and they know what to say, even when sometimes it is nothing. Thank you.
Some are military wives and are cut from a good cloth. The kind that allows them to move their families around the country and the world without a complaint. They have cried in the shower or the bedroom to hide their fear and unhappiness of the downside of the military lifestyle so that their children remain optimistic and hopeful and no pressure is put on their hubbies. They are military members themselves with the double whammy of being called to serve and have to kiss their children goodbye and tell them they will see them in 6 months - tearing out their own hearts to help Moms across the ocean. They arrange the childcare, the schooling, their own employment, the house, the cleaning, unpacking, grocery shopping, bill paying, cable, phone, tv, electrical/water hookups,lock changing, car maintenance, volunteer work and after school activities every 2-3 years they move. Sometimes this is done alone because their spouse is on a deployment ( a week, a month, 6 months, a year). These Moms have all the same issues a civilain Mom can have, just multiplied by being in a new community, having no family or friends, no connections, no job, they need the GPS or a map to drive around (if they have a car available to them), sometimes they are in a community with their first language is not the language of their neighbourhood. Trying to buy groceries becomes a hardship when you cannot ask for what you need. Medical issues that involve yoursel or your child are hurdles you must navigate through - imagine doing that every 2-3 years in a new province. These Moms arrange for tutoring for their child (which is covered by DEM in the first year of your move) so when they enter their 6th new school in 12 years they keep in good standing with their french immersion or math because their new class is ahead of his old one.
I have obviously gone on a rant but I will leave it. Hear me roar.
To all those Moms who love unconditionally, to those Moms who sacrifice with joy - have a wonderful day, month, year. You have earned it.
To my mother-in-law, I have the best mother-in-law on earth. Audrey is an amazing loving caring individual who loves her family to the core of her being. She has managed to love a loud, brash, brutually honest daughter-in-law easily. There is nothing that I cannot say in front of her to make her love me less. I lucked out when I met Jason, I also lucked out when I met Audrey. Audrey and I have shared the good times and bad and there is no other mom-in-law that I would want me to go through those times.
To all of my friends that are Moms, they are an amazing bunch. Some I have known my whole life and we are still close - 36 years of friendship is a good friendship. Some of them are 10-15 year old friends. Some friends are less than a year. Friends to the end. Unconditional love and understanding is a cherished commodity. A call, a card, a gift in the mail, a hug goes a long way from an old friend. If I get down knowing they are there lifts me up. They are there because they want to be - that can keep a girl going. They know when to reach out and they know what to say, even when sometimes it is nothing. Thank you.
Some are military wives and are cut from a good cloth. The kind that allows them to move their families around the country and the world without a complaint. They have cried in the shower or the bedroom to hide their fear and unhappiness of the downside of the military lifestyle so that their children remain optimistic and hopeful and no pressure is put on their hubbies. They are military members themselves with the double whammy of being called to serve and have to kiss their children goodbye and tell them they will see them in 6 months - tearing out their own hearts to help Moms across the ocean. They arrange the childcare, the schooling, their own employment, the house, the cleaning, unpacking, grocery shopping, bill paying, cable, phone, tv, electrical/water hookups,lock changing, car maintenance, volunteer work and after school activities every 2-3 years they move. Sometimes this is done alone because their spouse is on a deployment ( a week, a month, 6 months, a year). These Moms have all the same issues a civilain Mom can have, just multiplied by being in a new community, having no family or friends, no connections, no job, they need the GPS or a map to drive around (if they have a car available to them), sometimes they are in a community with their first language is not the language of their neighbourhood. Trying to buy groceries becomes a hardship when you cannot ask for what you need. Medical issues that involve yoursel or your child are hurdles you must navigate through - imagine doing that every 2-3 years in a new province. These Moms arrange for tutoring for their child (which is covered by DEM in the first year of your move) so when they enter their 6th new school in 12 years they keep in good standing with their french immersion or math because their new class is ahead of his old one.
I have obviously gone on a rant but I will leave it. Hear me roar.
To all those Moms who love unconditionally, to those Moms who sacrifice with joy - have a wonderful day, month, year. You have earned it.
Friday, May 7, 2010
I started thinking about the changes that are recent and I noticed that I has not noticed that Jaosn stopped doing the freaky eye thing. Now either you have noticed it in the past or you never saw it but for a long time Jason's eyes would look different. Especially when he got tired. But somewhere along the way his eyes stopped doing it. The healing process is a weird thing. It's slow and fast at the same time. I watched Jason so close for so long - how could I miss this?
My brother and his wife came to visit and Jaosn insisted on hugging my brother good bye. Now usually I have to wink, touch, remind but not that time. He is remembering all sorts of stuff I cannot remember and that was how it usually was. Before the heart attack.
Before and after. I am glad there is an after but I thought it was always going to be before and after. As time goes by I am feeling that slip, slowly but surely. Heaven. My version anyway. Jason is back to work for 3 days a week and he will be reassessed in June, maybe 5 days a week then.
There are still some things that bug me but there are many things that make me smile, laugh and love him even more. And let's face it he always did things that bugged me ( I am trying to be nice). Thank god for modern medicine and stubborness.
Congratulations are in order for the whole Osmond clan - Jared has joined the family - another boy right Connor?!!! 7 lbs 2 oz of pure joy. Aren't babies wonderful?
I am still trying to get us flights home for this summer - wish me luck!! It has been harder than I thought!
My brother and his wife came to visit and Jaosn insisted on hugging my brother good bye. Now usually I have to wink, touch, remind but not that time. He is remembering all sorts of stuff I cannot remember and that was how it usually was. Before the heart attack.
Before and after. I am glad there is an after but I thought it was always going to be before and after. As time goes by I am feeling that slip, slowly but surely. Heaven. My version anyway. Jason is back to work for 3 days a week and he will be reassessed in June, maybe 5 days a week then.
There are still some things that bug me but there are many things that make me smile, laugh and love him even more. And let's face it he always did things that bugged me ( I am trying to be nice). Thank god for modern medicine and stubborness.
Congratulations are in order for the whole Osmond clan - Jared has joined the family - another boy right Connor?!!! 7 lbs 2 oz of pure joy. Aren't babies wonderful?
I am still trying to get us flights home for this summer - wish me luck!! It has been harder than I thought!
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