22nd anniversary is coming....

It was the 90's so do not judge my hair or my glasses too harshly. Awwwww. Damn we were so happy, newly engaged, ready to take on the world.

Time did go by too fast

For all you Moms out there,

When you spend 18 years raising your child, caring, protecting, teaching that child and everyone tells you (as they are a lot smarter and wiser than you) that times goes by way too fast and enjoy the tantrums, the arguments, the potty training, the school years, the homework and the list goes on because you will blink, and it will all be over. Well, you know what, it does happen that way. In what seems like a blink of the eye, that time has passed. So quickly. Where did it go? How did I not listen to all of those wise women before me? What was I bloody thinking?

I thought he'd stay young forever. I thought he'd be home longer. I sent all of those years trying to do the right thing and raise a mature loving intelligent caring human being who would contribute to a more positive society and make the world a better place by being in it. So you know what he went and did? He grew up to be that person I had hoped, that we, as parents, tried to guide and mentor. And then he flew the coop. Just like that. He started making big decisions about his life, on his own - what nerve - and planned out a career for himself that make us proud as hell. Damn that kid, I mean adult.

Hang on for dear life. Live in the present. Get your head out of your phone, lap top, tablet and or PC and be there for each other.

I think I moved from postpartum depression to empty nest syndrome without a break. Well, that's a lie. It has been almost 18 years. So yeah there was a break. It just went really really fast. Too fast,  I know everyone says this. So why is it so surprising? 

I am not the first nor the last. I assume it is like going through grief, or that glorious rite of passage that got me into this. I will just have to travel through it, not happy about it but it is what it is. I have gotten a lot of good advice from my friends. And of course my parents went through it. But I haven't gotten a lot of advice from only children parents so I am seeking advice from those with no "spare kids", 

Having an extra kid right now to focus on, well, that would have been a good help. They could have helped me through this transition, God, why didn't I think of this sooner? Why didn't I think of this 16 years ago? Hmmmmm. Seems I made a big mistake in not having that second one. Oh well, I made my bed.

I guess I will have to take the mature route and woman up. I will take the high road. I will creep my kid on social media, constantly text him and visit him way too often. Too much? I have a few months to figure this out, Anyone up for rotating road trips and a care package packing night?

I haven't been here in a while, I think that may be because happiness is abound or it may be that I am lazy.  Let's go with the first one.

As I get older I realize telling the truth, while it has always been my thing, may be the thing that does me in. I agree that the truth can be shared in a less blunt, in your face, like a bag of bricks experience but I never was that gentle. So in my wiser older years I am going to try to be more gentle with others. At least with the ones who deserve it. Of course that is based on my personal declaration of who is kind and who is not and my brutal honesty will be required for that task. Always a loophole....

So it turns out after all the thinking, therapy, and self observation, I am back to worrying too much again. Now I never turned it completely off, I am human, but I was wondering why my shoulders and neck are hurting. Again. It usually means I am worrying too much. So to get back on track I have to purposely remind myself not to do it and if I start doing it I have to catch myself and stop. Sounds easy for some as they are not worriers. More difficult for me.

If I listed all of the things that I have worried about in the past 3 weeks, or even the past week, you would be bored scrolling down through it. So, like an alcoholic's first step, I figure outing myself publicly is my first step towards being a non-worrier. At the very least, when you see me next time in deep thought, or frowning, then you can nudge me and remind me to stop it. Or send me a text. I say that now but you know you don't have to send me a text. Talking is still a socially acceptable way to interact, I think (this is another rant in the making).

With all of the time that will be freed up by not worrying I think I may actually sit down and write more. For some reason I moved away from it and it actually helps me worry less. It makes me happy in fact. Now I wonder why it does that? Hmmmmmmm.....

My schooling has led me to this....

The last first day of high school is happening tomorrow. Everyone asks "where did the time go?" for a reason. We simply do not get enough time. Not with our loved ones, our family, our friends. No one has ever complained about having too much time with their loved ones, not in my case anyway. I wish I could have another chat with my grandparents (or have my first one with a Pop that I never got the pleasure to meet). I would give a lot to hear my Uncle Abe's laugh or my Nan's giggle. Or see Nan Rowe smile. To have tea with my Pop. To be able to see Roland's face one more time as he sees Jacob. To have Dad ask "how is my favorite daughter?" and then laugh at his own dry jokes. I would give just about anything. My list of friends is getting longer too.

To hear my son's little boy voice ( I am guilty of watching digital footage of him over and over as a little baby and boy). And now Grade 12 is upon us. What the hell? I looked away too quickly. I took my eye off the ball. How did this happen?

I am so proud of him, The man he is becoming makes me burst. My heart walks around the house casually talking about cell phones, star constellations and coffee like he's not important, not the centre of the universe. But he would say he'd like to be with a grin. Not enough time. Before I know it graduation and then the big life event will occur and he'll walk out that door with a smile and full of excitement. His life will begin. I hope this year drags by slowly like cold molasses running up a hill. Maybe it will give me enough time to get used to it.

Adjusting to life off the rock gets harder and harder every year we come from vacation. The air was cleaner, more people were kinder, the fish was amazing, people are genuine, spending time laughing, crying, hugging, chatting with family and friends is a slice of joy and peace. Seeing Jacob laugh more, smile more, enjoy the beaches, the hugs, the home cooked meals in wonderful company is also a joy. Makes the heart swell like the ocean.

I was missing Dad and Roland yet I saw them everywhere. In memories jogged by those around around me, by family members, by everyday items, by hearing myself repeat certain phrases or jokes. That helped.

Thank goodness for vacations, thank goodness we were born in Newfoundland.