Thanks

Thanks to all of our family and friends who love us unconditionally, without your support, emails, phone calls, and visits, we would not be where we are today. I am grateful for Suzye, Brian, Ron, Derryck and Bruno, and all of our military family; the staff at the Royal Alex, the brain rehab centre at the General and the Heart Institute. I am grateful for all of my extended family at work - my so-called sanity is intact.

Some of our friends are more family now than friends - a bonus to being a military family.

From heaven to hell

Again the phrase Your Life is For Rent is drove home again and again and again. Damn. Jack Layton, Resolute Bay, damn. My heart goes out to all of the families, friends, loved ones who are mourning today. We mourn with you.

Our trip to Newfoundland this year once again showed us how precious life is...from listening to the laughter shared by Jacob, my three adorable nephews and my parents to watching Jacob go down to the shed with Pop and measure his height to seeing Jason smile at his grandmother and me sitting down at Maria's wedding with my aunts and uncles having a drink and talking about old times. Reconnecting to those who love us is an annual ritual of ours that we have not taken for granted. Playing cards in Millertown with my aunts, surrounded by the Lanes, including the puppies, is a gift. Playing cards with Fred and Brenda, before Jacob got sick, another gift. Watching Jacob play with their new puppy - a gift. Having a meal at Gros Morne with Marie and her friend, spending an afternoon with Paula, one of my nearest and dearest friends, as she cut and coloured my hair (Thank you!), eating Audrey's muffins, having a laugh with Dena and Bill, watching Jacob have a laugh with Aaron, watching Jason enjoy crabs legs at Ida's and Cater's, sitting with Roland as got his chemotherapy treatment - all a gift. Newfoundland brings me back to my soul, every time.

Attending the Cullen double retirement in Gananoque after we got back from NF (I didn't know it was a double until John let it out of the bag!) and spending an evening with the Cullens, the Osmonds and meeting new friends was a night of pure joy. The authentic sharing of love and respect in that room that night was painfully noticed by me. Why do people act fake? Why are people not themselves 24/7? I do not know how to live any other way and I am grateful. The food, drinks and laughs never stopped until we went to bed that night. Thank you John and Dodi for including us, we miss you.

Arrrrggggggh!

Health care insurance - a wonderful thing that prevents us from paying tons of money for our needed pharmceuticals. Unless you want them now. I go to Costco to pick up my drugs that I called in online (convenient). When I get there they tell me they cancelled filling one of my drugs and would I mind waiting 5 mins for them to do it (not convenient)? I wait. Oh still not ready, can you wait 5 more mins? I ask "Are you sure it's another 5 mins?" She says now "5-10 mins?" I tell her if she's guessing then I am not playing. I called ahead so I would not have to wait, although I waited in line to get served. Do I have to wait in line again. No. OK. Hurry up. Then the pharmacist shows up - you cannot geet your drugs filled unless you are 7 days away from taking the last pill. So I ask - what about vacations? She says our drug plan makes the rules. I can transfer the prescription if I am going away or pay the whole price and TRY and get my money back from my drug plan company. Try I ask?? Try??? What is this? And why wasn't this in bold print when the drug cards were issued? I obviously have to talk to my drug plan company and put in a complaint (not convenient). So I did the stubborn thing and left without the drug because knowing my luck I would not be able to get reimbursed the cash. Dollars to doughnuts. So if you are a family member of the Canadian Forces community, RCMP family member, etc, good luck with trying to get your drugs and have your bases covered ahead of time. Good luck. Another positive experience with the computerization of our planet.

The title has never been truer

These past 2 weeks make the title I picked for this blog a confirmation that my gut instinct for the title was a correct one. Jesus H Christ. Why do bad things have to happen to good people? Why? Is it necessary to test someone to the limits of their pain and suffering but then test them again?

I could go on but I only spend a few minutes a day (I started this habit 3 years ago) ranting and raving. It lets me vent but I will not let myself dwell. There is no positive energy in that. And positive thoughts, looking moving forward, is the only way.

My Uncle Vern passed away this week and the world is a lesser place for him not being here. He was a kind and gentle soul who could ask more questions than an audition for Jeopardy and he could tell the funniest stories you ever heard - all in the same conversation. Losing a loved one while you live away is a pain. You want to be there for their immediate and extended family and friends, you want to hug the ones you love.

Dealing with the medical issues in our own family, dealing with work and kid, dealing with being posted away from home for 18 years, it can take its toll. Missing home is like missing a limb sometimes. My family and friends are the most important thing to me. Thank god for my military family, my friends away from home.

We also had our next door neighbours get packed up this week, they are moving back to Nova Scotia, posted back to Halifax. They are estatic. I will miss them like crazy. Kim has been there for me for the past 3 years. Ken and the kids too, god, it's also a part of a military family's life to watch your newly acquired loved ones leave. To have them for 3 years was a blessing.

Jacob is finishing Grade 7 this week. We are "making " making him go to Montreal for his last school trip - Biodome and La Ronde. God, we are awful parents. He told us tonight that a better idea would be" let me stay home and just give me the 60 bucks". His logic is flawed, obviously.

We have lost more soldiers this month, I cry each time I read the news. I feel for those families. The launch of Family Information Line (FIL) and www.familyforce.ca was this past week as well. More options for military families. Working on the OSI videos for DMFS, which are now on FamilyForce, is one of my proudest moments - thank you Royal Ottawa Hospital and thank you Dean for letting me be a part of it. For young people living in a home with a parent with an OSI it is a great and worthwhile project.

Jason made homemade beans and bread and we had friends over to enjoy it this weekend. Nothing beats a great homemade meal, good friends and a game of cards. Hopefully we will have started up the old tradition again.

Oh and Jason went and saw a Pink Floyd tribute band here last night. Please talk to him about it. He was hilariously calling it "Pink Lloyd" and joked that he was going to buy a shirt there. And he had to bring his lawn chair to the arena because they was no seating available. Apparently "they didn't suck".

That's all for now, off to bed, a new day around the corner.

Relay For Life

Friends of mine participated in Relay For Life this weekend. I have realized that life is exactly that - a relay.

#1 You need you family and friends, your loved ones, on this relay or you will not make it through or you will make it but be a miserable sad person at the end of the race. The support of others holds you up, inspires you and pushes you forward when you do not think you can go anymore. This is why we love others.

#2 It is a struggle. It is not always easy. That is life. See #1.

#3 There are bumps in the road, sometimes you see mountains. Climbing has become your new hobby. Scaling the mountain is the journey. Know the difference between a bump and a mountain. Perspective can be a good thing.

#4 Everyone is running their own relay race. Do not forget you are not the centre of the universe. I know you want to sometimes but everyone has a race to run, everyone has a story.

#5 Sometimes the relay is scary but there are joyous moments as well. Live in those moments. Open your eyes, experience it. Do not let the fear overtake you at all times. Living in fear is not living. Just breathe.

ICD kick and moving on

So the past 2 weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind and all has ended well. My girls trip to NYC was amaze-balls (Love the crazy relaity show talk)! Sharing that weekend with Michelle, Jackie and Florence was a dream come true. Mamma Mia was an out of body experience for me, my face hurt from all of the smiling! Of course I banged into 3 women from CBS in the bathroom during the intermission. Of course. Also banged into Dawn Baker in the airport on the way down there, of course.

After all of that elation I spent a day at the Air Force Family Conference in Winnipeg - truly amazing work. It was wonderful to match faces with names and make new connections. CDS and his wife did an outstanding job connecting the dots as did Gen Blondin and his wife. The Wing Commander from Comox left a lasting impression on me. Nice guy, works for his troops and their families, wants to do more - inspiring to say the least. Love my new job, it is challenging and exciting. I am advocating for military families and there is no better job for me.

Then I get home! Jason surprises us all Wednesday evening and we are back into the medical rollercoaster. Thank you Dr. Ruddy for your amazing advice. I cannot thank you enough. Thank you to the Pacemaker clinic and its staff at the Heart Institute, Dr. Lemery and all of the Hear Institute staff - the nurses were so wonderful. Jason is doing well and feeling great. Whew. Still waiting on the letter from MOT about Jason's licence, just another bump in the road.

Talking with one of Jason's night nurses was eye-opening for me. I was talking to her and all of a sudden she looked at me and asked "Are you seeing anyone for that?" By that she meant my worries, my nervousness, my anxieties about all things Jason and his heart. I told her I had and she said "Good. It is time you moved on. You know he may be back her again and again". Hmmmmm. The past almost 3 years have been time spent worrying about another heart attack, about how it will affect Jason and all of us, our lives. 3 years of being frightened, anxiety attacks, crying. Now I spent some of that 3 years laughing, enjoying moments in the moment, feeling warm and fuzzy. It hasn't all been bad. But it was time I moved on. Jason and Jacob did it. Why is it so hard for me? There are worse things happening to good people in the world. I need to be grateful (I am) and move on. Crap happens. So bear with me as I try to reverse old habits. I know I can.

On a happier note,
We went to the twins 3rd birthday party this weekend, we missed one and two so it was so nice to be at their 3rd. A fun time.

May 17th, 2011 in the National Post there is an article about taking out organs for organ donation from patients whose hearts have stopped for 5 mins or more (in ON). The controversy surrounding this fascinates me because 4 years ago I would have thought this was a good thing and now, not so much. It is actually frightening to me that I would have been approached 3 years ago to donate any possible organs due to cardiac death and not brain death. Families need to be accounted for in these policy decisions. Facts do too. I would be interested in hearing how many people survive cardiac death of five minutes or more in Canada. I would also be interested in having it noted in articles posted like the one I mentioned. Showing both sides of astory is important. I am in favour of organ donation, always have been.