Releasing, resenting and coping

Trying to cope with all of the changes coming and going has been a roller coaster ride this month. They have been all good changes in the end but we have been riding a lot of waves to get there and we are not done yet. It is true that death and taxes are inevitable but I would also add change to that list. Change has been a constant in our lives for a long time and I am thinking our future will involve many changes too which everyone experiences as they go through life.

A selfish part of me would like a break from the changes, just for a month. Just a week even, so I can catch my breath.  My soul is running away from my body again and it really disconnects my body from my brain. the good thing is that I am aware of it but it still takes some painful adjustments.

We are approaching the 5th anniversary of Jason's cardiac arrest, and we are also approaching our 19th anniversary....I am not sure where time goes but in a blink of an eye it flies by. I have to find the time to slow down, and just breathe. I will have to book it into my schedule like I do everything else. assuming I will do it is not working so well these days. The roller coaster ride will dip upwards soon.

Gifts

Adversity - it is the thing that no one wants to experience but yet everybody does. Everyone does. We just all experience it differently. Different experiences make us who we are, what we are to the world. The rough spots make the sweet spots sweeter. How we rise up to meet the adversity tells us a lot about ourselves, about what we are made of, who we want to become - the test arrives.

I always thought I was strong, resilient, capable. After all we have been through as a family I know I am strong, resilient and capable. Thinking you are and knowing you are is a gift. Would I have preferred to not experience this gift?  Not the way I did but I am grateful so many positives have come forward in my life.

I have an amazing family, amazing in-laws and unbelievably kind, sweet and generous friends. My family has to love me unconditionally. The women in my life, and who have been in my life, have been amazing role models and I look up to them. Their belief in supporting other woman friends and standing beside each other is something I hold dear and I hope to experience this with my friends into old age. Another gift.

I hope to keep supporting my family and friends like they have done for me. To give back to them and to our military community. Gifts.

Resentment

I read that resentment is most powerful when it is felt toward someone whom the individual is close to or intimate with. 

Resentment is an emotionally debilitating condition that, when unresolved, can have a number of negative results on the person experiencing it, including touchiness or edginess when thinking of the person resented, denial of anger against this person, and provocation or anger arousal when this person is recognized positively. By contrast, resentment does not have any direct negative effects on the person resented, save for the deterioration of the relationship involved.Resentful feelings are dangerous to live with and need to be dealt with. 

Psychologist James J. Messina recommends five steps to facing and resolving resentful feelings. (1) Identify the source of the resentful feelings and what it is the person did to evoke these feelings, (2) develop a new way of looking at past, present and future life, including how resentment has affected life and how letting go of resentment can improve the future, (3) write a letter to the source of the resentment, listing offenses and explaining the circumstances, then forgive and let go of the offenses (but do not send the letter), (4) visualize a future without the negative impact of resentment, and (5) if resentful feelings still linger, return to Step 1 and begin again.

Research suggests constant bitterness can actually have negative effects on our physical health.

Moving on may be a better alternative to bitterness. People can reduce stress by letting go of unattainable goals, which may actually decrease levels of cortisol. Getting rid of grudges may also reduce anxiety and lower blood pressure; in some people, forgiveness may improve cardiovascular health. 

Releasing is a messy business

Back to routine today. Jason went looking for his bus pass at 11:30pm last night. No luck there. Then he needed to move my car so he could take his in the morning (I was parked in front of him) so he did that after 11:30 pm while he was looking for his pass. He ordered a new one last night so I am sure it will show up today somewhere in the house. Murphy's Law. I give him credit though - he looked almost everywhere. I tried helping too but no luck.

He started organizing all of his kit yesterday from the Army so our basement floor is covered with gear. He has return everything that is on a list he was given or he has to pay for any missing items. Now these items were issued during his 22 years so the items issued in 1991 require some digging. So our furnace room, under the stairs, closests, rubbermaids galore have all been ripped open. I love a good mess. Not. But it has to be done so just as well do it now before I stack all of the Christmas gear on it, which is also everywhere because it cannot go back in the furnace room packed away until he turns in his kit.

2013 he will be released from the forces so we are being practical, well, he is.

It's been a while...

Good morning everybody!

I have been horrible at updating this blog but it's a new year and I am going to try again. Great thiings have happened this fall. Jason went back to school. He started a Computer IT security course that will take hiim 3 years to complete. Presently it is part of his Return To Work program with the IPSC but he does have a release date in March. He has asked for an extension until his semester this winter is over but he sent in that request in September and of course he has heard nothing back yet. But his marks were amazing for his first semester and his schedule looks better this semester coming up tomorrow so all is good.

I travelled a lot in the fall but I am hoping that subsides for the winter but who knows? I am also writing again. I am going to attempt to write much more than I have in the past and it started out as a book about what happened over 4 years ago but it will turn into more of a "how to not get your ass kicked when the chips are down" kind of a book I think. Going back to that day and trying to remember everything is impossible but I remember not giving up hope, as useless as some thought that was. I made a conscious decision that Jason was going to breathe, pull through and get back on his feet. Now I had no idea what that would entail, what it would look like but in survival mode you don't care about the details. The big things like breathing on your own are too important.

So from time to time I may put a blurb that I am working on here so I can get your feedback hopefully, if you have time. You can FB me, email me, or put your comments here and let me know what you think. I do have to go back in time to that medical history that happened but I do not want it to be a "woe is me" book. Our family has never been about that ad both of us were not raised like that either. May be the same reason why we got through it.

Happy New Year!

Soldier On is a program for the ill and injured in the Canadian Forces. It is a program that includes Jason in it's midst.  All of the soldier and family programs and services are talked about, promoted, ignored, donated to and volunteered for but I am not sure if the effects of these programs on families are understood or appreciated. 

It would be easy I imagine to talk about them when you never had a personal need for them. I hear people talk about them and I see it through their eyes. Having patience is a virtue and I do not say that lightly. Trying to keep my big gob shut for this example and in others is a trying exercise (to all of you who know me you know this to be true).  I am hoping I can become more quiet, more reserved but it is very difficult. Plus I am not even sure I can do it but I know Jacob would appreciate it. ha 

I still see things through my eyes from 4 years ago. June 23rd is the 4th anniversary. I do feel like the edge I got from that is waning finally which is a lot less stress for me. And for others around me. It is not a great place to witness everything from. That axis is a harsh one.

Soldier On Objectives

 

The primary objectives of Soldier On are to:

 

a.   Facilitate, support and integrate resources and opportunities for ill and injured military personnel to fully and
      actively participate in physical, recreational or sporting activities;

 

b.   Create awareness of Soldier On among ill and injured military personnel, other CF personnel, the general public
      and corporations; and

c.   Investigate, foster and enhance partnerships with Canadian organizations and allied nations offering relevant
      programs and services.

https://public.cfpsa.com/en/SupportOurTroops/OurFunds/Pages/Soldier-On.aspx

A lot of stuff going on, like everyone I guess. It feels like normalcy (whatever that is) is in the air.

We had a fabulous trip to Washington on the May 2-4 weekend. The Osmonds were amazing hosts, as usual, and we had a wonderful time with them, seeing the sights and enjoying the company. DC is a great place to visit - so much to see and so much to do! It's the first road trip we have taken together in a while, thank god Jacob has a lot of patience. It was a long drive but totally worth it.